LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 September 2013
Do You Know Who I Am


Marmite Miley: love porn or hate it, Miley has decided to celebrate her coming
of age, nineteen, by creating as much media coverage (oops) as possible.

Forget her ‘twerking’ at the MTV Video Awards, she has moved on to nubile
naked pop idol rides wrecking ball and ardently licks a sledgehammer in her
new video. Wait. It has a deeper meaning according to Miley. Could the tears
be the clue? What do you think. She tweeted the wrecking ball symbolises a
"destructive relationship" and her amorous response to the sledgehammer is "to
show that I secretly still love the pain". So far 60 million have viewed her pain.
‘Do you know who I am’? Yet another celebrity desperately trying way too hard
to set an example of sexually surrendering to the masses. Hasn’t Rihanna got
that covered?

More painful was watching MC gyrate with one of her 5 piece dwarf band –
shimmying bums (one in silver lame the other in sprayed on black vinyl) in
concert on channel 4’s Chatty Man (with Alan Carr).  Am I inhabiting a parallel
universe? If so, I want out – now.

Her 52-year-old country singer father, Billy Ray Cyrus, said it was evidence of
her "God-given talent".... Oh god. Do you know who I am? Not Hannah
Montana. Got it?

****

Do you know who I am? I am a female living in India and will probably be raped
in 20 minutes.

A quarter of all Asian men ‘admit to rape’ according to the UN because of
sexual entitlement (the most popular), entertainment and punishment.

The UN interviewed 10,000 men in Bangladesh, China, Cambodia, Indonesia,
Sri Lanka and Papa New Guinea (where it’s 60% of men). Doesn’t look
appealing as a possible holiday destination.

****

‘Do you know who I am’ Gwyneth (Paltrow) is certain you do. Surely you are
aware of her every movement, inane thought, silly photo op and now, her latest
demand; boycott Vanity Fair.

Oh dear. The magazine is no longer willing to support the ridiculous and usually
talent-challenged A-list the world is obsessed with. No longer the champion of
the Emperor’s (Empress’) New Clothes illusion, there was an article planned to
investigate why some people ‘love to hate her’ – with her face on the cover.
Hmmm. So which side are they on?

What did the famous solipsistic star do next? Why she did a group email to all
her famous friends: "If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline.
Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again." After all. Do you
know who I am? I do and now I am going to buy and distribute the magazine to
all my famous friends....

Publicist for stars, Leslee Dart, (Les-lee? Is that another way to spell Leslie? Oh
I do hope not, but you just know it is) - Tom Hanks, Woody Allen, Meryl Streep
– announced that Vanity Fair is in for a "rude awakening". "Celebrities and
their publicists can now circumvent traditional media outlets and communicate
with their fans directly through Twitter and Facebook. Magazines are less
relevant." But this issue isn’t.

Vanity Fair editor (from 1992), Graydon Carter said: "We wouldn't be doing our
job if there wasn't a little bit of tension between Vanity Fair and its subjects." Do
you know who I am?

****

8,500 Britons want a one-way ticket to Mars. That’s madness. The Tories are
determined to make life hell on earth, but choosing Mars as the alternative?
Really?

In 10 years we could be waving goodbye. 202,586 people want to live on the
desolate planet. It could get a bit crowded.

The Mars One Selection Committee will train the applicants for 7 years and
expect the chosen ones to land on Mars in 2023.Do you know who I am? A
future Martian? Insane?

Bob Geldof will spend £64,000 to be the first Irishman in space for an hour.
Unfortunately he hasn’t signed up for the one way flight. He’s booked for 2014.
Bob wanted us to know: “It was not only a fantastic honour but mind-blowing.
The first rock astronaut space rat! Elvis may have left the building but Geldof
(does he refer to himself by his surname?) will have left the planet! Wild!” Count
the days.

****

The Pippa parody is back to entertain us all as Pippa continues to astonish us
with her unprecedented intelligence. A reminder: “Make batches of your own
ice and store in freezer bags.” Ah. Won’t those future Martians miss such
thoughtful suggestions.

However, hurry as Pippa’s lawyers are trying to delete the equally
indispensable tips from Twitter memory. Go to @pippatips for their suggestions.
You may not be able to tell the difference. “Shoes go on your feet”.

Now it has been said that pointless-Pippa was paid £650,000 (£650,000!) for
her Celebrate book failure. Do you know who I am? I wish we didn’t, but
certainly not the newly named Not Pippa Middleton site.
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