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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Make Mine a Double - 19 March 2008
“Hazel. Get me the catalogue. It’s time for my annual kitchen.”
“The John Lewis catalogue, Sir?”
“Precisely.”
It’s time to turn to the “John Lewis list”. So-called because it is based on prices at the
department store that specialises in top-of-the-range goods, where MPs avail themselves of
£22,000 of merchandise a year that comes out of our thread-worn pockets.
“This year, I’ll have four £300 air-conditioners…because I can. Never mind that there was no
summer last year. I’ll be prepared for that global warning my constituents keep banging on
about. It’s my right.”
“Oh yes. Your divine right, Sir.”
If their multiple bathrooms are demanding a makeover, we are happy to allow them £6,335 per,
as well as a bed - £1000, free-standing mirror - £300, wardrobe - £700, television and stereo -
£1500, sideboard - £795, suite of furniture - £2,000, dressing table - £500, dining table - £600,
kitchen - £10,000. Does that include VAT and delivery? Evidently our MPs have no idea that
there are cheaper alternatives – Argos, Ikea, Home Base, etc – we all know the sources; we
who don’t live in a self-governing reality.
The gits in bespoke suits can also claim up to £400 a month for shopping without receipts. Travel
expenses, breakfasts, lunches and dinners, the salaries they set themselves, plus the most
generous pension scheme in the world. It’s like having your own bank…pre-financial hysteria
naturally. The most recent figures show the average MP claims more than £135,000 in
allowances. Do they pay for anything? “Where is that 99p toothpaste receipt?”
A senior MP who sits on the Speaker’s review of pay and expenses, Sir Stuart Bell: “Of course
we accept the outrage and we accept the loss of public trust and public confidence…our job is to
get that back and that’s what we’re going to do.” Trust, confidence? No, no. We want the cash
back…or at least that TV/stereo combination. Outrage? Understatement.
“Hazel. Where is that John Lewis catalogue? New bedroom suites for every family member.
Don't forget the free-standing mirrors. I can afford it…ha, ha.” They are a magnanimous lot.
Labour MP Ken Purchase (I am not making this up) has questioned: “Why I should be pestered
on an almost daily basis…and what purpose will it serve?” Us. The EU makes most of our laws
and these clever MPs simply add to our misery with totally inappropriate policies when they
aren't spending our money on yet another superfluous £250 coffee maker.
According to Conservative MP Stephen Hammond, MPs often secretly share houses while both
claiming the £22,000-a-year second-home handout, officially known as the additional costs
allowance. I want one of those. They also use their second-homes allowance twice to buy
furniture and art works for their second homes in London on expenses, transfer them to their
main constituency home – then use the allowance to buy another set for their London home…as
you do. “One MP claimed the allowance for a property in North London and a main residence in
Northumberland, yet represented a constituency in West London. This type of abuse is
widespread.” Tip…iceberg.
MPs have not just been buying art for their walls and wallets; they have been paying family
members for their ‘contributions’ (and that would be ‘son as muse’?) as well as petty cash
remuneration.
The Commons Members Estimate Committee said it had considered forcing MPs to submit
receipts for all petty cash expenses, but decided that would be impractical. Next month, they
must submit a receipt for any expenditure over £25, a tenth of the current limit of £250.
Expenses would also be reduced from £250 to £50 per month. Right.
“Hazel. Get me the catalogue. It’s time for my annual kitchen.”
“The John Lewis catalogue, Sir?”
“Precisely.”
It’s time to turn to the “John Lewis list”. So-called because it is based on prices at the
department store that specialises in top-of-the-range goods, where MPs avail themselves of
£22,000 of merchandise a year that comes out of our thread-worn pockets.
“This year, I’ll have four £300 air-conditioners…because I can. Never mind that there was no
summer last year. I’ll be prepared for that global warning my constituents keep banging on
about. It’s my right.”
“Oh yes. Your divine right, Sir.”
If their multiple bathrooms are demanding a makeover, we are happy to allow them £6,335 per,
as well as a bed - £1000, free-standing mirror - £300, wardrobe - £700, television and stereo -
£1500, sideboard - £795, suite of furniture - £2,000, dressing table - £500, dining table - £600,
kitchen - £10,000. Does that include VAT and delivery? Evidently our MPs have no idea that
there are cheaper alternatives – Argos, Ikea, Home Base, etc – we all know the sources; we
who don’t live in a self-governing reality.
The gits in bespoke suits can also claim up to £400 a month for shopping without receipts. Travel
expenses, breakfasts, lunches and dinners, the salaries they set themselves, plus the most
generous pension scheme in the world. It’s like having your own bank…pre-financial hysteria
naturally. The most recent figures show the average MP claims more than £135,000 in
allowances. Do they pay for anything? “Where is that 99p toothpaste receipt?”
A senior MP who sits on the Speaker’s review of pay and expenses, Sir Stuart Bell: “Of course
we accept the outrage and we accept the loss of public trust and public confidence…our job is to
get that back and that’s what we’re going to do.” Trust, confidence? No, no. We want the cash
back…or at least that TV/stereo combination. Outrage? Understatement.
“Hazel. Where is that John Lewis catalogue? New bedroom suites for every family member.
Don't forget the free-standing mirrors. I can afford it…ha, ha.” They are a magnanimous lot.
Labour MP Ken Purchase (I am not making this up) has questioned: “Why I should be pestered
on an almost daily basis…and what purpose will it serve?” Us. The EU makes most of our laws
and these clever MPs simply add to our misery with totally inappropriate policies when they
aren't spending our money on yet another superfluous £250 coffee maker.
According to Conservative MP Stephen Hammond, MPs often secretly share houses while both
claiming the £22,000-a-year second-home handout, officially known as the additional costs
allowance. I want one of those. They also use their second-homes allowance twice to buy
furniture and art works for their second homes in London on expenses, transfer them to their
main constituency home – then use the allowance to buy another set for their London home…as
you do. “One MP claimed the allowance for a property in North London and a main residence in
Northumberland, yet represented a constituency in West London. This type of abuse is
widespread.” Tip…iceberg.
MPs have not just been buying art for their walls and wallets; they have been paying family
members for their ‘contributions’ (and that would be ‘son as muse’?) as well as petty cash
remuneration.
The Commons Members Estimate Committee said it had considered forcing MPs to submit
receipts for all petty cash expenses, but decided that would be impractical. Next month, they
must submit a receipt for any expenditure over £25, a tenth of the current limit of £250.
Expenses would also be reduced from £250 to £50 per month. Right.
