LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
6 July 2014
Do The Maths


Count The Days:

A nine date tour will permanently end the touring of the Who. The 50 year
anniversary tour will herald their retirement.

The Who Hits 50 kicks off in November. When it’s over, it’s over. They will do
gigs, but no tours. I hope they don’t die before they get old.

Originally called The High Numbers, they plan to leave on a high. But it will
simultaneously be a low. But there will be no substitutes –
ever.


Five and Counting:

“Anyone-but-England” Murray posed his own maths dilemma.  After shouting,
as you do, no, as he does, “Shut the fuck up!” during the quarter-final
Wimbledon match, followed by mumblings and mutterings, followed in the 3rd
set when he returned to his shouting: “Five minutes before the fucking match!”

Oh dear. Trouble in paradise. It’s been hinted, trouble with perfect-hair-carer
girlfriend, Kim Sears. A tiff before the match. Ah. Murray has set the precedent
for arrested emotional maturity. Again.


The Numbers Add Up:

PM CallMeDave and intentionally-tossled-haired Boris are waiting on the court
to play ‘the ultimate tennis match’. A doubles match with the boys has been sold
off by the toff Tories for £160,000. Lubov Chernukhin, the banker wife of the
banker of former deputy finance minister in Putin's government is counting the
days. This is not the first attempt to glean favour; both have offered masses of
cash to the party.

Oh tell me you’re surprised. What is a surprise is that the buyer was finally
named after much arm-twisting (not really, but it surely would have influenced
their match). The Tories judiciously hide their wealthy donors. Curious that.

1+1+1/2+1/2 = £160,000. The two halves, Australian election chief Lynton
Crosby and co-chairman, Lord Feldman will be on their toes and on the ball by
acting as ball boys. What do you reckon? Tennis bag full of cash handed over
to the ball boys?

The Guardian and the Bureau of Investigative Journalism revealed that the
corporate, banking and private fundraisers’ total wealth last year was £11bn.
You know the usual suspects: hedge funders, oligarchs, plutocrats, heirs and
heiresses, the nouveau riche, those looking for a title, ad inf. But let’s name
names. At the paid-for-access event at The Hurlingham Club, Sir Micheal
Hintze and James Lupton have each given more than £1million. Buying the next
election? Surely not. Slovian financier Darko Horvat, California businessman
Jared Carney, German/American philanthropist Nicolas Berggruen. Not familiar
names?

Tables at the auction: £12,000, champagne with Margaret Thatcher’s signature:
£45,000, pheasant shoot: £80,000, a personal jar of minister Hugo Swire’s
honey: £15,000. Who’s counting....


Multiply By:

When Chancellor of the Exchequer, Georgie-Boy, was asked simple questions
by children at a question and answer session.

When asked what seven multiplied by eight equalled, GB had to duck and dive:
“I’ve made it a rule in life not to answer a whole load of maths questions.” Oh
dear. He can’t even add. It was one question, George. One.

Naturally, the young lad had to tell him the answer. Good rule, George. That
gives us total confidence in your ability to manipulate the economy at the cost
of privatising all services which requires literally billions from us before we get
totally ripped off. Clever George.

More encouraging, CallMeDave and Boris were off by 50% regarding the cost
of bread and milk respectively. They don’t get out much do they.


Number One:

One Direction's, Louis Tomlinson is ready and waiting for those hysterical
hoards of fans in the hundreds to hand over £250 to him if they feel they will die
from disappointment if they miss a chance for a selfie with him.

Louis wants the cash to fund his newly acquired football team. I’m not
mentioned which one, as you might be tempted to actually give the multi-
millionaire the cash. Don’t even think about it. It’s a rubbish ‘band’ – if a band at
all. All that miming, technological ‘enhancement’. Please. Wonder what he’ll
charge to watch the matches – particularly if he plays. Holding my breath.


It All Adds Up:

The i published a list of what money can buy if you have any. Coffee: £75 a
cup for berries eaten and released at the other end by an Asian palm civet
(appealing)...grapes the size of ping pong balls are £570 for 770g (if you can
fit them in your mouth)... macarons for £4,300 made with peanut butter, red
wine (oh my god, they can’t be that good – peanut butter - really)...cake for a
2,000 diamond encrusted wedding cake merely £32.4m (Heimlich manoeuvre
might be required)... bacon butty for £150 served with black truffles, gold leaf,
gold dust and saffron...washed down with a £180 pot of tea left to mature for 80
years (yuck, think of the mould)...water: £235 for 750ml bottle of Hawaiian
seawater to reduce stress (the price would certainly cause it)...all eye-watering
as well as obscene.
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