LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
30 March 2012
LET THEM EAT (COLD) PASTIES

Goodness me. PM CallMeDave was caught out telling porkies - yet again. It's
becoming a habit. Pasties, petrol, grannies, recession....

We saw CallMeDave with half a pasty stuffed in his mouth clearly without taking
a moment of enjoyment - more of repulsion. CMD claimed he had enjoyed his
last pasty at Leeds railway station (Dave takes the train?) - clearly lying through
his clenched teeth. "I'm a pasty eater myself. I go to Cornwall on holiday (in
France?). I love a hot pasty. I think the last one I bought was from the West
Cornwall Pasty Company. I seem to remember I was in Leeds station at the
time. The choice was to have one of their small ones or their large ones. I've
got a feeling [sic] I opted for the large one and very good it was too." But
newspaper reporters revealed that the station's pasty shop had closed in 2007.
Brilliant.

Chancellor George Osborne couldn't recall the last time he had one. Try never.
"What's a pasty?" "It's peasant food, George." "What's Gregg's?" "A rubbish  
bakery where they are sold I've been informed." "Where the peasants shop?"
"Indeed." Surely not served to CallMeDave's dining donors who came for
'kitchen suppers'.  

Originally created for miners in the pits: meat and veg plus jam all in one. The
perfect solution when soot covered hands could use the crust edge as a handle.

Osborne has slapped the pasties with 20% tax if the customer leaves the shop
with a pasty warmer than the temperature in the shop. "Let them eat them cold"  
was his suggestion. So upper crust, George.

Ed Miliband and shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls rushed to find the closest Gregg's
while the odious co-chairman of the Tory Party, Baroness Warsi is said to find
peasant pasties delicious and fascinating. Does 'what idiots' come to mind?


RUNNING ON EMPTY

The Cabinet Office Minister, Francis Maude continued to manipulate the press
after donor-dinner-gate. He attempted to create panic moving from food to fuel
farce.

He told people to hoard ever-increasingly expensive petrol by filling up jerry
cans to store in their garages (which most of 'the people' don't have) because
tanker drivers were (considering) going to go on strike. With the Easter holiday
coming up, the mob went mad; queuing for hours hauling jerry cans, filling jam
jars, washing up liquid containers, paint tins - utter madness until petrol stations
went dry. Oh dear. Time to renege - with £32m added to the Treasury.

After a woman set herself alight in her kitchen filling jerry cans while cooking -
resulting in 40% disfiguring burns over her body, junior transport minister Mike
Penning was dragged out and hired to put out the fire, figuratively and ironically
as he had previously been an Essex firefighter - and looked like a pasty-eating
peasant. Possibly he's the only 'ordinary person' in a cabinet of out of touch
toffs.

What next? After the obvious plots to distract from dinner-gate: granny tax,
pasty tax, disrupting the peasants' Easter plans by blaming the Labour backed
Unite union (of potential strikers) we are left with the failure of George's
economic scheme. I think I'll simply watch them self-destruct.


My Dinner With Dave

The invites were sent out: Come Dine with Me, The Man Who Came to Dinner,
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Dinner at Eight, La Grande Bouffe, Ravenous
and the dinner-desiring donors responded to the prixe fixed menus. The list PM
CalllMeDave was humiliated into revealing will surely surpass the 17 who have
added £25 million to the Tory coffers.

"CallMeDave..."
"No Sam Cam. At home you can call me David."
"Oh right. But then I want to be called Samantha. No Dave then? "
"No Dave."
"David. I'm confused. Which skinny belt should I wear?"
"Your most pricey. This donor is writing a million point two pound cheque."
"You said you were cooking."
"Are you mad? Keep Heston hidden in the kitchen."

When leader off the opposition in February 2010,CMD: "I believe that secret
corporate lobbying, like the expenses scandal, goes to the heart of why people
are so fed up with politics. It arouses people’s worst fears and suspicions about
how our political system works, with money buying power, power fishing for
money and a cosy club at the top making decisions in their own interest. Only
joking."

Unelected, with no mandate, CMD is dishing out pudding in order to change the
entire foundation of the country.

“If he wants to have friends around, that’s a matter for him,” said a
spokeswoman.

"We've got one donor who will pay for the concreting over of the countryside,  
another who wants to bring in masses of foxes so that we can continue to say
we must murder the vermin, another who wants a second swimming pool in
Notting Hill despite the planning board's rejection."

Party Treasurer, Peter Cruddas, Britain’s 15th richest man explained to a team
from the Sunday Times, who posed as potential donors, what their cash could
buy: "One hundred grand is not Premier League...it's not bad…but two hundred
grand to 250 is premier league…what you would get is, when we talk about
your donations the first thing we want to do is get you at the Cameron/Osborne
dinners. It'll be awesome for your business. You'll be…well pleased. Because
your guests will be photographed with David Cameron. We do that, you know.
If you're unhappy about something, we will listen to you and put it into the policy
committee at Number 10...we feed all feedback to the policy committee."

"Oh David. Can we have pigs in a blanket like the Obama's? Pleeeeeassse."
"Really Sam Cam."
"I'll  chat with your donor."
"No! No! You can have those pigs in a blanket."
"That's awwwwwesome! Can we have a sleep-over like they do in the White
House?"
"Did you actually say
awesome?"

CMD announced his plan for the nasty Tories to investigate the nasty party
while making a speech on dementia. Was he hoping no one attending would
notice the obvious or even remember?

Labour is ahead by 11% according to the poles. The first time in 7 years.
Evidently Ed Miliband couldn't fit all the trade union members in his house for a
take-away.

Eat the Rich anyone? Bon Appétit.
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