Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics

Dear Diary,

Success!!! I am certain I will be crowned king 6th of May!!! This last debate decided my fate –
my divine right to rule. What are we aristocrats for – other than fox hunting. BBC blanked Nick,
like the anti-Clegg-media has all along. Good thing as he is the only one with ideas and did win
all 3 debates. But it was all me, the deserving one dismissing Gordon, the useless loser. Nick
may be posh, but he’s no toff so he’s not one of us. I’m delightfully smoooooooth – terribly slick.

Must make a memo to sack George as Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer asap and have
Sam get some free wallpaper before I do. I’ll have to ask him what tax relief on capital
expenditure is before he is asked to leave the building. Could possibly include more wisteria for
me. Although I rather doubt he’ll know.

I’ll set up a meeting with all the corporate CEOs to divide up the distribution of potential public
service profits - true to my Thatcher roots. I’ll raise taxes on the poorest, raise retirement age to
85, close the job centres, jail all youth beyond 10 years of age - I’m feeling giddy all over. All
welfare cheats will replace those annoyingly efficient immigrants picking asparagus and drug
addicts will build their own gaols. I’ll sell off the schools to the American religious right. This will
create racial and religious tension and riots. I’ll cut all ties with Europe except for the Neo-Nazis.
Britain for Britons – white naturally. Oh. And no gays. The flag of St George will replace the
Union Jack. Unadulterated power feels so good. To quote muppet, Gordon – “get real”! We
are
the Tory party. We
are the nasty party. We are the oligarchy or is it plutocracy? Sometimes I
wonder if I’m a bit thick. I’d ask Sam, but she is definitely dim.

Those millions for the American spin doctors was so worth it. I could become president, after
Tony. Oh dear me. I will have to do one of those ghastly American accents. Argh. And a perma-
tan. Although my hair is perfect. I’ll probably have to buy one of those washable M&S suits. That
subtle referencing to JFK worked a charm.

I wonder who planted that bigot, Gillian Duffy. Surely it was us.

I’m making a deal with Boris. I’m giving him a £16b budget and massive new powers. It’s a Tony
– Gordon sort of thing. He can be PM after me. Blimey! We’re baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!    Love,
‘Dave’ xx