LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
8 April 2017
Deluded Dave                           

Remember ex-PM Call Me Dave? Of course you do. He is responsible for the
total destruction of Britain. Oh. Now you remember. Well, CMD has taken a few
minutes out of his busy money-making stratagem via 30 minute talks to financial
organisations adding to his £30m bank account. Kerching. Ah, Dave. But I’m
distracted.

CMD is back to defend his decision to ‘save’ Britain by calling for that history-
changing referendum. Now he is telling us that holding the vote was necessary.
Really. He is saying, “because this issue had been poisoning British politics for
years.” What? No it hasn’t, Dave, and you know it hasn’t as you knew it hadn’t.
Tut tut.

Evidently for most of the decade the percentage of people citing and seething
that Europe as one of the main issues facing Britain was in the single digits. We
all know it was fear of losing votes to Ukip that ‘inspired’ CMD. Oh and lest we
forget – as well as all those rabid anti-EU Tories.

So CallMeDave took an insignificant, basically non-issue and extraordinarily
turned it into one that according to Dave “really could poison British politics for
years”. Well, he surely achieved that. Nice Dave. Note to Dave: history will hold
you responsible. Nice.


Teflon Theresa

It just never ends, does it? Oh it’s just another leaked Cabinet Office document.
The latest one exposing how Theresa ‘sabotaged’ a Government-wide plan to
explain the benefits of immigration to her deluded British public. It is truly
unfathomable how Theresa is so popular with the populous.

It was a paper seen by
The Independent where it appeared that Theresa
prevented the bid to explain the ‘positive impacts’ immigrants bring to the NHS
and the economy.

Chuka Umunna, the Labour MP and former shadow Business Secretary, said:
“She is now compounding the cost by putting extreme migration cuts ahead of
economic growth and jobs, leaving the single market based on the fantasy that
the same benefits can be secured outside of it. It’s time to drop the tens of
thousands migration target.”

Hmmm. Possibly no worries. A veto by the 751-seat European Parliament could
scupper it all. Ha. MEPs must pass the final agreement by a simple majority
vote. And…MEPs can disrupt or even slow the proceedings by issuing even
more resolutions. Ha. Ha.

According to, Guy Verhofstadt, the EU Parliament’s Brexit point man who told
MEPs that Britain would probably seek to rejoin in the future. He said: “There will
be a young man or woman who will try again…who will lead Britain again into the
European family once again and a young generation that will see Brexit for what
it really is: a cat fight in the Conservative party that got out of hand. A loss of
time. A waste of energy and I think stupidity.” Exactly. Whew. Can we sleep
now?


Dressed to Unimpress

Theresa stamped her little flat pump and refused to wear the mandatory
headscarf on her visit to our best friends, the Saudis. Pressure to increase our
arms deals with the Saudis? Oh surely not. Pressure on their appalling human
rights violations? Oh surely not.

Theresa was there to ‘inspire oppressed women’. No. Really. She said she
hoped her visit would show “what women can achieve and how women can be in
significant positions”. I must stop to put my head in my hands while emitting a
silent scream. Well, they won’t be achieving it via physical education. If you
don't know - conservative clerics oppose physical education for girls as
‘immodest’. It is not included on the school curriculum. Thank God Theresa is
there to inspire all those burka-clad girls to play hockey or lacrosse.

During her three-day visit, Theresa was nearly apoplexic in her condemnation of
Cadbury and the National Trust’s decision to not call an egg and egg. OK. Not
quite, but what they really did was to rename their annual egg hunt from ‘Easter
Egg Trail’ to ‘Cadbury’s Great British Egg Hunt’. Possibly creating an
opportunity for the new and unimproved Cadbury to do egg hunts all year long.
Father’s Day, Halloween, Valentine’s Day…unlimited ways to make even more
money with inedible ‘chocolate’ eggs.

Theresa’s over-reaction to changes in the Easter egg hunt? She announced it
as ‘absolutely ridiculous’. Theresa. Saudi Arabia is a country which sentences
people to death for converting to Christianity and where all public Christian
worship is illegal. Oh oops, Theresa. She should be livid that a US company was
invited to buy Cadbury and we know what they did to it. Hmmm. Possibly not the
best time to do a Christian rant, was it Theresa? Her religious fervour took
precedent over her arms dealing? Oh. I forget. She was there as a role model….


Barry & Garry

Nooooooo! Noooooo! Say it isn’t so. Barry Manilow is – gay? Barry Manilow is –
married? Nooooooo! The 73 year-old singer has been in a relationship with his
manager, Garry, for nearly forty years and married for three. Evidently he ‘Can’t
Smile Without You’. Ah.

Who knew? Well, we knew – clearly – but not about his marriage. Barry was
afraid of disappointing his fans. Let’s believe that and not that it might have
affected his brand. OK? BM said: “I’m so private…I thought it would have
disappointing fans if they knew I was gay. When they found out that Garry and I
were together, they were so happy. The reaction was so beautiful – strangers
commenting. ‘Great for you’ I’m just so grateful for it.” Oh dear. One fan wasn’t:
“Barry would not marry a man and that is definite – he loves ladies.”  This said
by a delusional Brexiteer possibly?

‘Looks Like We Made It’. Yes. You did.
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