|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
8 October 2016
|The 'C' Words
Oh right. It was the sound of the pound suddenly, dramatically dropping.
Dropping to an historic low due to possibly ‘black box trading’. We can move on
as it recovered after the shock - and a wider lack of confidence and the loss of
pounds per person is not pretty. OK. It’s £5,625. Ouch! Ouch! So all UK assets
are worth less – all right, not worthless – but less than they used to be.
So let’s find out what the Conservative Party Conference was up to. All those
enthusiastic, positive Conservatives. Gag-reflex here.
Don’t you just know Britain is ‘A Country That Works For Everyone’ – like us.
Hahahahaha. Us being them of course. Oh those tricky Tories. Hahaha. The
Tories just love you. The Tories want the best for you. The Tories want you to
work hard. The Tories want “genuine social reform”. The Tories want fairness
and justice. Are you shouting out your window? Repressing your gag reflexes?
Hitting your head on your desk? Well you know you should be.
At the conference, Theresa wanted us to hold out our collective and individual
hands to help others, to “help when one of us falters”. Theresa wants her
government “to reach out to the ‘ordinary working class’". Oh dear. I am really
nauseous now. Ah, those Tories in Labour’s clothing. Theresa’s ‘vision’: “Come
with me…come with me…come with me…come with me and together let’s seize
the day!” Clearly she didn’t think we knew carpe diem.
See: the ‘c’ words: country, collective, come, comrades – oh oops, not the last
or even the one you are thinking. Let’s not forget cunning. Using Labour’s
ideology to win over – and convince - Labour voters who don’t find socialism –
or the vile John McDonnell – an attractive alternative. Or let’s add confusion.
Again. What party is she actually representing? Oh right. The centre-left. Did
you notice another ‘c’ word here? She used the word ‘change’ 29 times and no
referencing of CallMeDave. Oh. Let’s just use the ‘c’ word – not that one,
another one. Corbyn. He has reshuffled, demoted, elevated until Corbyn has
removed the disloyal, the dissenting, the disobedient with his promised olive
branch. Promises. Promises.
Tea for two. Not exactly. Closer to tea for millions. Evidently those millions drink
on average 165 million cups of tea a day. You know you needed to know this
More facts: 1.1 million kettles were boiling when England lost the 1990 World
Cup. Painful as it is to remember, it was the semi-final penalty shootout against
West Germany. Ouch! Crying in their tea? Absolutely. And they still are.
Now this you might not think would result in 20 million cups of tea being drunk. It
was 2001. Have you guessed? OK. It was when Phil got shot on EastEnders.
See. You did know and you drank at least one cup of tea.
Be secure in knowing that you will possibly sip – no slurping ever, ever – even
gulp down 17,031 cups of tea in your lifetime, alternating with coffee of course.
Naturally tea comes out on top.
But let’s compare. We drink 70 million cups of coffee per day. The average
British male coffee drinker drinks 13 cups per week, average British female
coffee drinker drinks 11. And don’t even think about instant. Not coffee. Not
Oh those Ukip members. It’s always something isn’t it? Handbags at dawn this
time. Poor Steven Woolfe was so hopeful of the leadership position after what’s
her name (just joking but you get the point) Diane James suddenly threw in her
handbag after only 18 days.
A punch up in Brussels with Ukip MEP Mike Hookem? Yes. No. Yes. Hookem
has adamantly denied punching Woolfe in the face which resulted in him going
unconscious – flat out on the floor that is – two hours later. Not good. Woolfe
was immediately hospitalised. Life-threatening injuries. Brain scans et al.
Hookem suggested “He hit his head.” Well, yes, when he fell to the floor surely.
“Oh he hit his head on the wall.” “Wait. He hit his head on a pipe.” “No. It was
the floor.” Any other excuses?
Now known as the Big Bad Woolfe, he had invited Hookem to “settle it outside”
mano a mano. Really! Woolfe removed his manly jacket, clearly suggesting they
“settle it” through male physical prowess. Not such a good decision as Hookem
is Ukip’s defence spokesman and a former commando. Oops. So will Wolfe
stand? I know….
The response to those Ukip MEPs brawling in the corridors of the European
Parliament of Strasbourg: “What do you expect? These are angry people.” I’m
thinking angry children on the playground.
Evidently Hookem took exception when Woolfe admitted he considered defecting
to the Conservatives. You know; the ‘nasty’ party. Ha.
The argument continues as to who did what to whom. Oh really. Clowns.
While still on the ‘cs’, Time Out – I’m leaving it to them to report – has
announced something new you surely have been craving (Get it? Craving? Oh
forget it): “We’re always the first to bring you breaking news…that a restaurant
specialising in crisps is about to open at 49 Old Compton Street in Soho.
‘Hipchips’ is a mere building site at the moment, but from what we could see
(well, it was clearly written on the window) it will be serving ‘fresh crisps’ and
‘fresh dips’." Hip chips? Hip anything?
“Are we about to see London’s first artisan crisperie? Or is this just a brazen,
salty marketing ploy for a new brand (which we presume is American, as no self-
respecting Brit would call them ‘chips’)? We’ll bring you crisp updates as we
Oh please don’t. Clue. Two words: crisps and chips. How hard is it to
distinguish? They curiously can’t figure it out. So those US entrepreneurs will be
offering crisps called chips. How hip – and not clever.