Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture
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Walk This Way - 22 September 2009
Walk This Way: Normal women can’t walk. Normal women’s thighs are too fleshy to walk.
Normal women are too heavy for 8” stilettos. Normal women need not apply. ‘Normal women’
being that euphemism for fashion reject. Oh it must be London Fashion Week and the ever mind-
numbing subject of skinny 14 year olds vs ‘normal women’ simply must be thrashed out in the
papers, on news programmes, on any and every radio and TV programme willing to bore us
comatose. But it is ‘the walk’ that has the botoxed anorexics talking.
Oh whoops Whoopi. Would you do it Woody? Obviously Woody would as he has already
including incest and I don’t mean Soon-Yi. Whoopi gives her version of rape regarding the Roman
Polanski arrest.
"What I'm saying is that he did not rape her, cause she was aware, and the family, apparently
was aware ... he was not charged ... I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else
but I don't believe it was rape-rape."
“Oi Bob, Ian, Frank. Take a look at this one.”
“Blimey! That beats my last one by at least three inches!”
“Do you think he’s a porn star?”
“Dunno. But I’ll be checking it out now. This opens up a whole new world.”
“I’m with you, Bill.”
The X Factor-Y - 13 December 2009
Saturday and Sunday nights are free again. We can answer the phone, walk the dog, go to the
pub, order on line, have a bath.
After 2 1/2 months of off-key boring voices all vying for super stardom. Yes. Simon Cowell’s
cash cow is finally over – for this year.
It's 2009 All Over Again - 8 January 2009
Who Let the Dogs Out?
The odious Otis Ferry has begun the decade still foaming at the mouth after ripping foxes to
bloody pieces with his teeth for the  last ten years, still willing to pontificate on the entitlement of
the landed gentry even after an extended prison visit.
Everybody Hurts - 15 February 2010
“I won!”
I won!”
The public seems to have decided that grief-stricken-Gordie has beat devastated-Dave in the
crying game/competition that will decide who takes office at the General Election.
It's a Man's World on International Women's Day - 8 March 2010
“She’s a man’s man.” “She’s made a butch film.” “She’s directed the film like a man.” “She’s
directed from a man’s point of view.”  “Is she a man?” “It’s a male movie.”
Evidently creativity is gender-based. Who knew? The critics just couldn’t allow her to be a
woman director who won; they had to make her into a man.
Losing My Religion - 28 March 2010
‘Do unto other as you would have them do unto you.’ Unfortunately that is precisely what they
did. “You put your hand in my pants while I put mine in yours. That’s good – oh so good.”
Get out the Rack - 27 June 2010
Germany could have played with blindfolds on, legs tied together, and backwards and still won
the match. That was the worst England game I have ever seen.
London Mayor Boris has rolled out his plan to make London into Amsterdam. But not quite. The
city where riding a bicycle en mass is mandatory as tourists demand picturesque postcards.
Having experienced the look-left-look-right in England, and the look-left-look-right-look-forward-
look-back modus operandi in Amsterdam, I rather dread the ‘Borisbikes’ onslaught.
The Silly Season Gets Sillier - 22 August 2010
“When I grow up I want to eat myself sick.”
‘Tis the ‘silly season’, but seriously....
Extreme eating is coming to a high street near you. Bring out the bunting and the sick bags. It
has been the fastest growing ‘sports’ event in the US for the past 15 years. Who knew? 80
official competitions, with many simply for the sheer joy and disgusting side-effects... the obvious
vomiting, diarrhoea but with a bit more effort and foot-long hotdogs – ulcers and digestive
“Oh look, Mummy. Look at that funny car.”
“That’s the Popemobile, Darling.”
“Look at that funny man waving, Mummy. Is that Yoda in there?”
Seven Days of Narcissistic Vacuity - 24 September 2010
Some of Channel Four’s new ‘reality show’ Seven Days cast:
Laura = wants a music career and unconditional praise
Sam = Make Me a Supermodel model, flat mate of gum-chewing Laura  
Mini-Me-Me-Me - 10th October 2010
Lies, manipulation, scripted spin, covert operations, style consultants, financial incentives. No it’s
not the Tory ‘Coalition’ government, but the ‘It’s
everything to me’ X Factor.  More
THE XXX FACTOR - 12/12/10
Smarmy, pervy porn, deceitful, dishonest, fixed; it must be Simon Cowell’s cash cow –
the formulaic X Factor.