| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture |
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Smile, You're On Candid Camera - 7 November 20006
I’m watching you, watching me… once every 4.8 minutes. Time for a total make-over because
one certainly won’t want to be caught out not looking one’s very best. In the UK you are captured
on more than 300 CCTV screens every day. There is one CCTV camera for every 14 people…4.
2 million CCTV cameras. Britain is now ranked along with Russia and China as ‘endemic
surveillance societies’.
I’m watching you, watching me… once every 4.8 minutes. Time for a total make-over because
one certainly won’t want to be caught out not looking one’s very best. In the UK you are captured
on more than 300 CCTV screens every day. There is one CCTV camera for every 14 people…4.
2 million CCTV cameras. Britain is now ranked along with Russia and China as ‘endemic
surveillance societies’.
I Can't Breathe in This - 16 August 2006
I can’t breathe in this: rubble, coffin, burka. Is it just a matter of time before we find ourselves -
buried under our beds… dead… burka-ed in Britain?
I can’t breathe in this: rubble, coffin, burka. Is it just a matter of time before we find ourselves -
buried under our beds… dead… burka-ed in Britain?
Is It Hot or is it Hell? - 29 July 2006
Stop. Shop windows on Regent Street filled with…I can barely bring myself to say it…tweed.
Remember tweed? Nubbly, thick, body-hugging, slightly scratchy tweed. To die for…literally.
Best to look away before a fainting spell comes on.
Stop. Shop windows on Regent Street filled with…I can barely bring myself to say it…tweed.
Remember tweed? Nubbly, thick, body-hugging, slightly scratchy tweed. To die for…literally.
Best to look away before a fainting spell comes on.
Be Ashamed...Be Very Ashamed - 2 July 2006
I’ve gnawed my fingernails down to the nub, I’m cancelling my holiday to Portugal this year, and I
won’t be doing my Scottish accent at parties. I’m gutted…inconsolable…bereft…oh yes, and
bothered.
I’ve gnawed my fingernails down to the nub, I’m cancelling my holiday to Portugal this year, and I
won’t be doing my Scottish accent at parties. I’m gutted…inconsolable…bereft…oh yes, and
bothered.
Tall Tales - 2 December 2006
They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere. The Thetans have arrived. Xenu is watching you. Scientologists are
taking over. They have wooed the posh and powerful as well as the police force. Prepare for the
invasion.
They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere. The Thetans have arrived. Xenu is watching you. Scientologists are
taking over. They have wooed the posh and powerful as well as the police force. Prepare for the
invasion.
Show Me the Money - 31 December 2006
All right. It’s over. Tree needles, congealed gravy, too small, too large, wine-stained white shirts,
fried cheese ball canapes underfoot, ad inf. If you are uber-rich you probably received still
another bespoke private jet. “Oh Darling. I had Damien Hirst monogram it especially for you.” If
you are merely filthy rich you probably received a bespoke Ferrari. “Oh Darling. I took one of
your Ozwald Boateng - or was it Hardy Amies - shirts and had them match the lilac exactly.” If
you are a common person you probably received stripey Marks & Spencer socks. “Oh Darling.
Sorry about that. I’m sure I can find the other one. Have you looked in the rubbish bin?” More
All right. It’s over. Tree needles, congealed gravy, too small, too large, wine-stained white shirts,
fried cheese ball canapes underfoot, ad inf. If you are uber-rich you probably received still
another bespoke private jet. “Oh Darling. I had Damien Hirst monogram it especially for you.” If
you are merely filthy rich you probably received a bespoke Ferrari. “Oh Darling. I took one of
your Ozwald Boateng - or was it Hardy Amies - shirts and had them match the lilac exactly.” If
you are a common person you probably received stripey Marks & Spencer socks. “Oh Darling.
Sorry about that. I’m sure I can find the other one. Have you looked in the rubbish bin?” More
Beckham Banks It - 15 January 2007
Dear, dear me. This Brand Beckham relocation to La La Land is certainly proving to be a look-
away-quickly affair.
When David Beckham was interviewed on US morning TV he was obviously being instructed to
put on and keep on a convincing all American happy face. To his credit, he did manage a
deer/headlights grimace…unsettling at the very least, Faustian at the very worst. More
Dear, dear me. This Brand Beckham relocation to La La Land is certainly proving to be a look-
away-quickly affair.
When David Beckham was interviewed on US morning TV he was obviously being instructed to
put on and keep on a convincing all American happy face. To his credit, he did manage a
deer/headlights grimace…unsettling at the very least, Faustian at the very worst. More
Bag It - 4 March 2007
If you just happen to have an extra £23,484 at the bottom of one of your designer handbag, and
are mentally and emotionally challenged, Louis Vuitton has created an item expressly for you.
They have gathered up their own handbags, 17 in all, slapped and stitched them together to
produce one £23,484 handbag…thus creating the new ‘must have’…how clever. Better than
having all those déclassé bits flogged on eBay. More
If you just happen to have an extra £23,484 at the bottom of one of your designer handbag, and
are mentally and emotionally challenged, Louis Vuitton has created an item expressly for you.
They have gathered up their own handbags, 17 in all, slapped and stitched them together to
produce one £23,484 handbag…thus creating the new ‘must have’…how clever. Better than
having all those déclassé bits flogged on eBay. More
YOU SPIN ME ROUND - 2 February 2007
“My nerves made me do it…I was a guinea pig. It’s ruined my life. How is Shilpa Poppadom
racist?” Ah, no mea culpa at the Celebrity Big Brother house then. “I don’t remember.” “Did I
really say that?” Yes. And a lot more. More
“My nerves made me do it…I was a guinea pig. It’s ruined my life. How is Shilpa Poppadom
racist?” Ah, no mea culpa at the Celebrity Big Brother house then. “I don’t remember.” “Did I
really say that?” Yes. And a lot more. More
IF IT’S TUESDAY, IT’S SPAGHETTI BOLONESE - 21 March 2007
Even the expat “escargot pour moi” French have acknowledged London as a culinary capital. No
more soggy chips, tasteless take-a-ways, sugary baked beans. These French, who have made
South Kensington a ‘Little Paris’, prefer baguettes bought locally. Mon Dieu! However, after the
report today, they might have a change of mind. More
Even the expat “escargot pour moi” French have acknowledged London as a culinary capital. No
more soggy chips, tasteless take-a-ways, sugary baked beans. These French, who have made
South Kensington a ‘Little Paris’, prefer baguettes bought locally. Mon Dieu! However, after the
report today, they might have a change of mind. More
LET THE EGGS ROLL - 6 April 2007
So you thought Easter was all about biliously-yellow-dyed marshmallow chicks crammed into a
transparent lidded box, enormous fair-trade organic darkest of dark chocolate eggs swathed in
gleaming gold foil or a La Maison Du Chocolat Easter egg ‘delectable and delicious’ surrounded
by small delicate eggs filled with praline sitting in a egg-shaped and caramel coloured box at
Harrods for £62. Milk chocolate, white chocolate, solid, hollow rabbits/chicks/hens/ducks. No, no,
no. Where’s the fun in all that? More
So you thought Easter was all about biliously-yellow-dyed marshmallow chicks crammed into a
transparent lidded box, enormous fair-trade organic darkest of dark chocolate eggs swathed in
gleaming gold foil or a La Maison Du Chocolat Easter egg ‘delectable and delicious’ surrounded
by small delicate eggs filled with praline sitting in a egg-shaped and caramel coloured box at
Harrods for £62. Milk chocolate, white chocolate, solid, hollow rabbits/chicks/hens/ducks. No, no,
no. Where’s the fun in all that? More
The Empress' New Clothes - 6 May 2007
12 seconds, £3 million pounds. Not bad for a few seconds spent at the office.
Kate Moss stood dressed in her £200 limited edition red dress (check eBay to view) in the
windows of Selfridges’ department store demonstrating a rather surly expression on her prized
face for 12 seconds. “Where’s the check, Phil? Is that it in your hand?” More
12 seconds, £3 million pounds. Not bad for a few seconds spent at the office.
Kate Moss stood dressed in her £200 limited edition red dress (check eBay to view) in the
windows of Selfridges’ department store demonstrating a rather surly expression on her prized
face for 12 seconds. “Where’s the check, Phil? Is that it in your hand?” More
Holier-Than-Thou Foods - 15 June 2007
After a year of pushy, persistent press coverage and a 2000 people party opening that required
velvet ropes and bouncers - ‘Whole Paypacket’ aka Whole Foods unlocked its doors last week:
10,000 products, 500 staff that includes ‘personal nutritionists’, 80,000 square feet, 3 storeys,
$6.35 billion in sales of US celebrity endorsed hype. More
After a year of pushy, persistent press coverage and a 2000 people party opening that required
velvet ropes and bouncers - ‘Whole Paypacket’ aka Whole Foods unlocked its doors last week:
10,000 products, 500 staff that includes ‘personal nutritionists’, 80,000 square feet, 3 storeys,
$6.35 billion in sales of US celebrity endorsed hype. More
Brave New World - 1 August 2007
If only all those owners of floating beige leather sofas had slipped on a flower petal pre record
breaking flooding, they would be £1.5 million richer; sod the insurance claims. More
If only all those owners of floating beige leather sofas had slipped on a flower petal pre record
breaking flooding, they would be £1.5 million richer; sod the insurance claims. More
'The Dingo is Innocent' - 15 September 2007
How British. A mystery to solve… or not. Bumbling investigators, leaked rumours, lost forensic
evidence, conflicting witness statements, bereft parents, darling child missing… rich and famous
supporters, endless family members’ press conferences, PR teams, meticulous media
management, a breezy blog, phone calls to newspaper editors, high-powered lawyers, new
pristine outfits daily, journalists’ ‘You (the public) Are All Guilty’ accusations, newly released
childhood photographs of Kate at her first Communion and Gerry as captain of his local football
team. As it turns out, this is no Sherlock Holmes afternoon drama; this is an addictive celebrity
construct. More
How British. A mystery to solve… or not. Bumbling investigators, leaked rumours, lost forensic
evidence, conflicting witness statements, bereft parents, darling child missing… rich and famous
supporters, endless family members’ press conferences, PR teams, meticulous media
management, a breezy blog, phone calls to newspaper editors, high-powered lawyers, new
pristine outfits daily, journalists’ ‘You (the public) Are All Guilty’ accusations, newly released
childhood photographs of Kate at her first Communion and Gerry as captain of his local football
team. As it turns out, this is no Sherlock Holmes afternoon drama; this is an addictive celebrity
construct. More
Are You Taking the Piss? - 16 November 2007
Ah. Male inhabitants of the British Isles shave their heads, paint their tattooed bodies red, run
around half naked, and can hit a target when peeing. No. Not the Celts. Not the Vikings. The
skin-heads. Or so say the Belgians. More
Ah. Male inhabitants of the British Isles shave their heads, paint their tattooed bodies red, run
around half naked, and can hit a target when peeing. No. Not the Celts. Not the Vikings. The
skin-heads. Or so say the Belgians. More
I'm Not Bovered - 4 January 2008
My New Year’s resolution will please everyone; I am not going to get annoyed.
I am not going to get annoyed at or with:
Gordon Brown’s ‘jaw-jutting’ punctuating his every other word. Sign language is a definite option.
More
My New Year’s resolution will please everyone; I am not going to get annoyed.
I am not going to get annoyed at or with:
Gordon Brown’s ‘jaw-jutting’ punctuating his every other word. Sign language is a definite option.
More
"I Love Making Tylenol" - 15 January 2008
I went to New York for Christmas and got sick. Having not been there for seven years, I wasn’t
sufficiently acclimated to American TV to resist the unrelenting barrage of endemic health
problems: inevitable sleep disorders, constipation and diarrhoea, bloating, breathing difficulties,
diabetes, allergies, colds and flu, depression and/or anxiety, arthritis, hair loss, heart disease,
high blood pressure, kidney/liver/thyroid dysfunctions, incontinence, indigestion, epilepsy,
emphysema, osteoporosis, nail fungus, muscle pain, memory loss and I have forgotten the rest.
More
I went to New York for Christmas and got sick. Having not been there for seven years, I wasn’t
sufficiently acclimated to American TV to resist the unrelenting barrage of endemic health
problems: inevitable sleep disorders, constipation and diarrhoea, bloating, breathing difficulties,
diabetes, allergies, colds and flu, depression and/or anxiety, arthritis, hair loss, heart disease,
high blood pressure, kidney/liver/thyroid dysfunctions, incontinence, indigestion, epilepsy,
emphysema, osteoporosis, nail fungus, muscle pain, memory loss and I have forgotten the rest.
More
The Screaming Brits: Highlights - 20 February 2008
“Get off the stage you pissed bastard!” Okay. The embarrassingly ear-piercing Brit Awards took
place with mandatory screeching: it was the Osbournes en masse. More
“Get off the stage you pissed bastard!” Okay. The embarrassingly ear-piercing Brit Awards took
place with mandatory screeching: it was the Osbournes en masse. More
Bag it, Bin it, Binbag it - 7 March 2008
Committing suicide by availing yourself of a plastic bag will soon cost you. The food division of
department store, Marks & Spencer, who happen to offer the incomparably cheery chartreuse
carrier bag, are ready to charge us to carry the bags out of the shop. There is a crusade to
create Britain the land of the plastic-bag-free. More
Committing suicide by availing yourself of a plastic bag will soon cost you. The food division of
department store, Marks & Spencer, who happen to offer the incomparably cheery chartreuse
carrier bag, are ready to charge us to carry the bags out of the shop. There is a crusade to
create Britain the land of the plastic-bag-free. More
'B' is for Bimbo - 27 March 2008
Twenty-three year old (or is it ‘young’) French-born creatively-challenged web designer Nicolas
Jacquart is responsible for press and parent frenzy over the now familiar internet game Miss
Bimbo, which is exponentially increasing faster than a liar blinking - from rien to 200,000
members aged between 9 and 16 in a matter of weeks and after all the endless publicity, now
there must be millions of bimbo-ettes. Mon dieu! More
Twenty-three year old (or is it ‘young’) French-born creatively-challenged web designer Nicolas
Jacquart is responsible for press and parent frenzy over the now familiar internet game Miss
Bimbo, which is exponentially increasing faster than a liar blinking - from rien to 200,000
members aged between 9 and 16 in a matter of weeks and after all the endless publicity, now
there must be millions of bimbo-ettes. Mon dieu! More
Dirty Sexy Money - 5 April 2008
The Arts Council has been axing grants for art organisations faster than a Guinness Book of
Records challenge. More than fifty arts organisations in London have lost millions.
“Be alert. Axe coming down.” One centre had its entire grant - £40,000 – wiped out with one
swing. The method appears to be totally arbitrary, but their new blackmail endeavour clearly
isn't. More
The Arts Council has been axing grants for art organisations faster than a Guinness Book of
Records challenge. More than fifty arts organisations in London have lost millions.
“Be alert. Axe coming down.” One centre had its entire grant - £40,000 – wiped out with one
swing. The method appears to be totally arbitrary, but their new blackmail endeavour clearly
isn't. More
Breast-Blitz - 18 April 2008
Oh joy. Breasts served up with finger-lickin’ chilli dogs and buffalo wings. Yo macho men! More
American ‘culture’ on its way.
Beware. Hooters, the chain restaurant where patrons are served rubbish American ‘cuisine’ by
tight T-shirt-ed and tiny short-ed in-your-face, on-your-plate breast-ed waitresses is coming to a
high street near you. More
Oh joy. Breasts served up with finger-lickin’ chilli dogs and buffalo wings. Yo macho men! More
American ‘culture’ on its way.
Beware. Hooters, the chain restaurant where patrons are served rubbish American ‘cuisine’ by
tight T-shirt-ed and tiny short-ed in-your-face, on-your-plate breast-ed waitresses is coming to a
high street near you. More
The Emperor's New Clothes - 17 May 2008
“Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. I’m painting blindfolded and with my left hand, standing on
my right foot. Such a genius. Ring Christies. It’s ready to sell.”
Under-talented, over-rated, decidedly smarmy, ‘the greatest living painter in Britain’ Lucian
Freud's - big in size and corpulence– 1995 painting, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping has set a
record for the most expensive auction painting by a living artist at Christies New York: £17
million. Rumour has it an American bought it. More
“Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. I’m painting blindfolded and with my left hand, standing on
my right foot. Such a genius. Ring Christies. It’s ready to sell.”
Under-talented, over-rated, decidedly smarmy, ‘the greatest living painter in Britain’ Lucian
Freud's - big in size and corpulence– 1995 painting, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping has set a
record for the most expensive auction painting by a living artist at Christies New York: £17
million. Rumour has it an American bought it. More
No Fun for You - 30 May 2008
No lights, no decorations, no costumes, no Virgin Mary, no eggs, no flags, no fun. Standard
holidays have been removed from the British calendar, most traditional enjoyable outdoor
activities have been terminated and now that summer is upon us, the forward-thinking fascism of
the Health and Safety (Hindrance and Stupidity) councillors have been active the month of May.
More
No lights, no decorations, no costumes, no Virgin Mary, no eggs, no flags, no fun. Standard
holidays have been removed from the British calendar, most traditional enjoyable outdoor
activities have been terminated and now that summer is upon us, the forward-thinking fascism of
the Health and Safety (Hindrance and Stupidity) councillors have been active the month of May.
More
Woops-a-Daisy - 7 June 2008
Boys just want to have fun. Champagne swigging Royal Bank of Scotland banker, Alexandre
Graham is taking the tube to Heathrow. After spending the last legal chance of drinking on the
underground with thousands of drunken punch-up partying Facebook friends, he’s inexplicably
moving to South America – to ‘consider his future’. No pressuring from the bank then. The “travel
bug has also hit me…planning on hitting South America for six months sabatical [sic] (hopefully
Mr Graham will be taking an English dictionary in his suitcase) after my grad scheme finishes in
2008.” Evidently standing, panting, crushed in 40 degrees Celsius was the inspiration for his
imminent travel adventure south of the equator. Six stations had to be closed, assaults on police,
tube staff and each other clearly created a night to remember. Woops-a-daisy. More
Boys just want to have fun. Champagne swigging Royal Bank of Scotland banker, Alexandre
Graham is taking the tube to Heathrow. After spending the last legal chance of drinking on the
underground with thousands of drunken punch-up partying Facebook friends, he’s inexplicably
moving to South America – to ‘consider his future’. No pressuring from the bank then. The “travel
bug has also hit me…planning on hitting South America for six months sabatical [sic] (hopefully
Mr Graham will be taking an English dictionary in his suitcase) after my grad scheme finishes in
2008.” Evidently standing, panting, crushed in 40 degrees Celsius was the inspiration for his
imminent travel adventure south of the equator. Six stations had to be closed, assaults on police,
tube staff and each other clearly created a night to remember. Woops-a-daisy. More
The Mad Hatters - 20 June 2008
I was planning to make an appearance at Royal Ascot, but my hat frightened me when I saw my
reflection. It looked like several dead birds had attached themselves to my hair and nestled
among the excessive roses. More
I was planning to make an appearance at Royal Ascot, but my hat frightened me when I saw my
reflection. It looked like several dead birds had attached themselves to my hair and nestled
among the excessive roses. More
You Can't Be Se-e-e-e-e-e-r-r-rrrious - 1 July 2008
My idea of tennis hell used to be Tracy Austin’s whiny inane commentary in combination with
Sharapova’s orgiastic shrieks. Argh. “Oh look. She returned the ball!” Not so Sharapova. She
was knocked out faster than you could say “Sorry Serena. I just had to do it!” Not this year,
darling. “There’s the little peanut…” referring to the 11 year old daughter of a player. In Britain
the ‘peanut’ would have sex next week and be pregnant by 12. “He has ants in his pants.” I think
that says enough. More
My idea of tennis hell used to be Tracy Austin’s whiny inane commentary in combination with
Sharapova’s orgiastic shrieks. Argh. “Oh look. She returned the ball!” Not so Sharapova. She
was knocked out faster than you could say “Sorry Serena. I just had to do it!” Not this year,
darling. “There’s the little peanut…” referring to the 11 year old daughter of a player. In Britain
the ‘peanut’ would have sex next week and be pregnant by 12. “He has ants in his pants.” I think
that says enough. More
And the Point is...
Sophie King has said: “As I was walking down the tram platform, the shoe snapped and I went
over on it. It was really painful, but I didn’t want to ruin the night for everyone so we went on to
the first bar. I began to feel better after a couple of drinks. But then the next thing I knew I’d
passed out and was in the back of an ambulance." More
Sophie King has said: “As I was walking down the tram platform, the shoe snapped and I went
over on it. It was really painful, but I didn’t want to ruin the night for everyone so we went on to
the first bar. I began to feel better after a couple of drinks. But then the next thing I knew I’d
passed out and was in the back of an ambulance." More
Hey, Big Spenders - 20 July 2008
In almost audible tones, ranting and raving, we hand over a mandatory £139.50 licence fee to the
public funded BBC. That amounts to £3.4 billion a year. This so that the BBC can insult us with
crap comedies - and I use that word ‘comedies’ guardedly; After You’ve Gone seriously makes
me lose the will to live. Further insults regarding the way they have been splashing out on
transport for guests and newsreaders - £5.3m on taxis with another £5.2m for private car hire,
£13.8m for door to door cab service, all totalling £19m a year. And please, adding more insult to
injury, let’s not forget those all vital pay raises. Limo delivered caviar and champagne for all
deserving execs. More
In almost audible tones, ranting and raving, we hand over a mandatory £139.50 licence fee to the
public funded BBC. That amounts to £3.4 billion a year. This so that the BBC can insult us with
crap comedies - and I use that word ‘comedies’ guardedly; After You’ve Gone seriously makes
me lose the will to live. Further insults regarding the way they have been splashing out on
transport for guests and newsreaders - £5.3m on taxis with another £5.2m for private car hire,
£13.8m for door to door cab service, all totalling £19m a year. And please, adding more insult to
injury, let’s not forget those all vital pay raises. Limo delivered caviar and champagne for all
deserving execs. More
Wake up and Smell the Perfume - 8 August 2008
Curious this; it seems that all around the world, women do all the work. Men talk, drink, give
orders, bond. The television series, Tribal Wives, set various British women up to ‘discover’
something about themselves by living with an African tribe for a month. Forget the teary Brits and
their self-discovery; what about all those women building huts, fetching water, cooking, milking
goats, splitting wood, genitally mutilating their own little girls. More
Curious this; it seems that all around the world, women do all the work. Men talk, drink, give
orders, bond. The television series, Tribal Wives, set various British women up to ‘discover’
something about themselves by living with an African tribe for a month. Forget the teary Brits and
their self-discovery; what about all those women building huts, fetching water, cooking, milking
goats, splitting wood, genitally mutilating their own little girls. More
It's a Barbie Olympics - 22 August 2008
Dancing girls sporting bikinis waving seductive diaphanous fabrics, semi-transparent bikinis,
skimpy outfits and Playboy. It must be the summer Olympics. More
Dancing girls sporting bikinis waving seductive diaphanous fabrics, semi-transparent bikinis,
skimpy outfits and Playboy. It must be the summer Olympics. More