|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
15 March 2015
|Don't Make Me Cry for Argentina
A massive cyclone, Pam (Pam? Really?), creating total devastation in the South
Pacific, Alexander McQueen’s brilliant and largest retrospective Savage Beauty
at the V&A, the unveiling of a statute of Ghandi in Parliament Square of media
interest? Not really. What has received endless media coverage? I don’t need to
tell you do I?
Best friend of PM Dave’s, highest paid BBC star, the multi-millionaire ‘eeny,
meeny, miney, moe’ ‘n’ word user Jeremy Clarkson and his most recent fracas
refuses to fade away. If you have spent the last week in an ashram, I’ll explain.
It has been reported that Clarkson punched his Top Gear producer Oisin Tymon
in the face which split his lip. Ouch! This after a 40-minute rant. "Where's our
hot food, you lazy fucking Irish cunt?” Ouch! Clarkson wanted hot food.
Clarkson wanted his sirloin steak. Are you with me here? Wish you weren’t?
Hotel eyewitnesses have claimed that after three hours in the pub Clarkson told
Oisin that he would see to it that “he would be losing his job." First, Oisin had to
go to A&E. Oh dear.
If addicted to Top Gear you need to know that the BBC has axed the last three
Top Gear programmes and are planning an internal investigation. This will not
please those 350 million obsessed fans, will it?
The statistics are quite impressive if not incredible. 4.6 million Twitter followers,
Top Gear sold to 212 territories, BBC's biggest global brand loved by millions,
£150m a year for the BBC, 3 billion requests on iPlayer (yikes!), is in the
Guinness Book of Records as the most watched factual programme (more
yikes!), 78pc of fanatical fans think he should keep his job, more than 950,000
have signed a save-our-Jeremy protest petition to have Clarkson reinstated
(begun by Guido Fawkes and the most popular petition ever – you know that is
just so sad). “We want our Jeremy! Give us our Top Gear! We want Jeremy to
have his steak – a just prepared perfect steak!"
Clarkson clearly must see himself as terribly anti-establishment; the cool image
for the unfit rather unattractive middle-aged. Not easy when you write for the
Sun (ew), Sunday Times (he is ‘close’ to the radical Murdochs (yes, I know,
sarcasm and irony), adored by PM CallMeDave who has ardently come to the
aid of his “friend and a great talent” (oh Dave, really, your low-brow cultural bias
is showing), you view all those underlings, serfs and peasants with contempt.
He's a rather belligerent combination of self-mockery and superiority, all rather
unpleasantly presented to his adoring public.
Rather than burden you with all the stories of Clarkson and his notorious
behaviour, I doubt you know about his pen pique. Do you? It concerns a well-
placed biro - in the neck of Private Eye editor and I’ve Got News for You
regular, Ian Hislop. You read it right. Neck! Another ouch!
Clarkson propelled the projectile when he was arguing about Manchester. Huh?
That alone would cause him to display his uncontainable temper. Huh? OK. It
was in 2008, but Ian revealed it on Question Time this week. “He refused to
believe it was blood. He said it was a red biro and then apologised to me
afterwards. If he is going to be done for assault I want other offences
[considered].” Time to start a petition.
Simply unable to resist, here are a few of examples of his infamous
performances. There is that furore over the Falkland’s and the dubious number
plate, Clarkson’s use of the derogatory word ‘slope’ in Burma, ‘lazy and
feckless’ to honour Mexicans (inspired by Prince Philip perhaps?), making
'jokes' about lorry drivers murdering sex workers and what about "I would take
[striking workers] outside and execute them in front of their families." Not pretty.
And you know he was caught out snogging a blonde who wasn’t his wife, lovely -
but no worries really.
Sources say BBC Director General, Lord Hall, has his support and then there
are all those rich and famous friends. The press is certain every channel is
desperate to get him on board while Clarkson says he is “intensely relaxed” in
regards to the BBC decision. His contract is up at the end of the month….
Clarkson is scheduled to appear alongside co-hosts Richard Hammond and
James May at four live shows in Norway on March 27 and 28. A decision on
whether to go ahead is expected early next week. Expect another public outcry if
the ‘wrong’ decision is made. Hmmm. Their contracts expire three days after
Norway. This could render any disciplinary hearings redundant.
Clarkson is called a massive star. You can call him that, but really, isn’t he an
emotionally-challenged, self-promoting provocateur who’s clearly in need of an
anger management course? I think he’s a “do you know who I am” idiot.
The Daily Mail has been doing their research and this week they discovered
that other than Uncle Gary Goldsmith (remember him? Ibiza? Maison de Bang
Bang? Etc.) there is another black sheep that Ex-Waity can claim. So there is a
It’s Simon Harrison, a second cousin of Carole (why can’t I be queen?)
Middleton. Harrison shares a great-grandfather with Carole, you know, that
Durham miner we already know about. Harrison is a former drug smuggler who
spent nine years in prison. Oh dear oh dear.
Before Harrison did time, he was a big-time cannabis importer in the eighties,
smuggling cannabis into the country from Holland. As you do. After prison,
Harrison ran catering and cleaning businesses. He married a Filipina wife and
they had a daughter.
The reformed cousin has tried to contact his new-found relatives, but to no avail.
“Just before Kate’s wedding, I wrote three letters to the Middletons saying ‘Hi’
but I didn’t receive a reply, which made me very sad, as newspapers keep going
on about how family friendly the Middletons are,” Harrison explains.
He now lives alone in a one-bedroom council flat in Woking along with his cat
fittingly named Katie – but he dropped the ‘Waity’. Neither one will ever get past
the guards Ex-Waity-Kaity has possibly installed to keep those related low-lifes
Sorry Simon. But feel pity for poor Pippa who isn’t doing a whole lot better since
her desperate desire to be on America’s NBC Today programme has ‘stalled’.
“Network sources said a test segment filmed by the Duchess of Cambridge’s 31-
year-old sister last November at a hoedown in Jackson Hole, Wyo., didn’t
convince “Today” producers to immediately sign her up.” All that hoe-downing
for naught then.
"Sometimes I pray I'll get invited to a garden event so I have an excuse not to
wear stilettos". Mowing the grass? What staggeringly pointless (sorry – no
really) ‘actress’ made this earth-shattering announcement? Oh come on – think
about who tells us her every thought (every thought) and appears in public 15
hours a day. Yes. It was Jennifer Aniston as reported by Popbitch. A self-
absorbed, self-admiring, self-indulgent, self-involved, self-interested, self-serving
can be just so exhausting. N’est pas? But don’t let her on the golf green….
Really Really Sad
A 36 year old Iraqi man who had survived three wars, saved his money for over
a year to escape, arrived in Texas to be with his wife who had been sent ahead
in late 2013 was shot with a rifle and killed less than a month after his arrival.
Ahmed-Al-Jumali was photographed by his wife as he experienced snow for the
first time. CCTV showed four men who were seen leaving the area on foot.
“He had a lot of faith in his future” said his father-in-law.