LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
16 September 2016
A Cowardly Surrender

It’s tissues all round. It’s no longer CallMeDave. It’s CalculatingCowardDave
now. I know. Group hug.

£74,000 salary as MP. Oh let’s not be silly here. A mere £74,000?
CalculatingCowardDave deserves so much more. See out his five-year term? Oh
be serious now. He has lasted 10 days – “as a distraction” to Theresa May
apparently. A distraction? Really. Oh CallMeDave, habits are so hard to break -
how humble when you totally f***ed the entire country and its future.

Why work – work? – did he ever? - when you can slaughter deer on your father-
in-law’s estate, join in to slaughter foxes, get paid ridiculous amounts to talk
about your entitled self on the after-dinner circuit, freely holidaying in black
socks and sandals and not have to question Theresa May’s decisions or your
fashion look. Lazy, liar, cowardly, thick? All and more.

Let’s try CondescendingCowardDave, OK? CCD pronounced proudly he would
serve Witney until 2020 claiming, “It is an enormous privilege to serve the people
of West Oxfordshire." Well CCD has decided to slide back down the
Westminster greasy pole.

Let’s go back to March 2011. Five years on, the Foreign Affairs committee has
published its verdict on the military intervention in Libya. It’s a damning,
damaging report on CMD and his utter stupidity, hubris in regards to
destabilising Libya with no knowledge of the area, its history, no post-conflict
plans, leaving the country in “political and economic” collapse “helped terrorist
groups such as ISIS spread across North and West Africa and the Middle East”.

In March 2011 CMD told the House of Commons the Government will “learn the
lessons” of Iraq, this time they would “plan for the future” to help reconstruct the
country. In September 2011 when visiting Libya, CMD told them, “Your friends
in France and Britain will stand with you as you build your democracy, as you
build your country for the future” I’m thinking there is a possibility of ‘blood on
his hands’…? Well, he is untouchable isn’t he. Rather like his role model, Tony
and Iraq. Bye CCD.


Silence is Golden

“Oh shut up!” 84% of Brits say they spend less than 10 minutes a day enjoying
actual peace and silence. On average Brits would pay over £310 for just one
hour (!) of silence. I’m hearing desperate here.

A list of 50 annoying sounds has been published by The Mirror, but surely the
Go Compare advert theme is a clear winner – no? A few other annoying,
incensing, infuriating, rage producing are: Jimmie Carr’s laugh, pinging
mobiles, snoring, sniffling, slurping, loud eaters, loud yawning, teeth grinding,
coughing, power drills, chainsaws, phone keypad beeps, dripping taps, creaking
doors, noisy washing machines, dogs barking (oh don’t get me started with that
yappy little dog at 7am – the owner is too lazy to take it walkies), car alarms,
sweet wrappers… Now surely you are just cringing at the list so far.

But wait. All wrong. It’s that incessant, continuous, omnipresent, overwhelming
music accompaniment that drowns out any dialogue; yes, often mumbled. We all
hate, hate, hate this and producers know this – so, why, why, why is it not
turned down or better – totally deleted. Please!

As I write I am so irritated. I am having a problem remembering when I didn’t
hear a drill through concrete, power drills, sawing, sanding, hammering,
banging, knocking, etc., etc., hour after hour. No alarm needed. They begin
exactly 8 am. I won’t bore you with the details as you may also suffer, but this
destruction and reconstruction has been one flat down, two flats down, the
basement flat, next door, two doors down, across the street, across the
communal garden where they dug down for months or is it years! And not a
basement/sauna/garage/cinema in sight! Anyone else?

A salesperson from appliance home manufacturer Whirlpool, commissioned the
study to mark the first National Quiet Day, September 14th. Who noticed? Let’s
not forget those bloody motorcyclist! Just thinking out loud.


The Cookie Crumbles

Surely, you have tossed your pinny in the bin with the news that your favourite
programme (I know, I’m assuming here) is waving a spatula to the BBC and
raising a whisk to Channel 4.

Sorry, I don’t have The Great British Bake Off addiction, but Sue Perkins and
Mel Giedroyc quitting – oh no! Even I think that is catastrophic. Ok. I have only
seen them and their act with remote in hand, but you know without them there
would be no show. They were the recipe for success. The SueandMel double-
act rejected the prospect of rolling in the dough. Their double entendres will be
missed.

You may not know this; I certainly didn’t. Love Productions is 70% owned by
Sky TV! Curiously not revealed by the media. Hmmm. Just saying…hmmmm.
More fun bits. Current Chief Creative Officer of C4 and former controller of
BBC1, Jay Hunt, has been heard telling staff that Mel and Sue will never work on
Channel 4, never ever. Be very afraid. Clearly this woman has more than one -
or two – personal vendettas – the BBC as well. Yikes. Scary. No cakewalk then.
Oh wait. All has been forgiven it has been reported. Oh right!


For Want of a Better Word

Yolo! NoNoNo! Moobs - ewew! - really? Yes really. This offensive somehow
descriptive word has been added to the Oxford English Dictionary’s quarterly
update. Yolo, moobs, gender-fluid - oh ewew again. It's the 'fluid' innit?

In their wisdom the OED have added 1,200 new 'down with the kids' (sorry,
really) words you don't ever want to hear and 1,000 revised entries. Trust me
here. Cheeseball, yogalates (oh you know, yoga + Pilates...and how often do
you actually say it?), Merica (OK - it's a sarcastic term used to described things
or events that fit the American stereotype - sounds American), more
Americanism is 'bracketology' for college basketball fans (oh must we?) - 'the
activity of predicting the participating teams in a tournament (typically the NCAA
basketball tournament) and the winners of the competition’s stages, as depicted
in a diagram representing the sequence of matches'. I am so bored here. Then
there is 'Clicktivism' which 'signals support for a political or social cause by
means of the Internet, through social media, online petitions, etc., rather than by
more substantive involvement.' Wait with anticipation; more ludicrous additions to
be added in December.

To its credit, this latest edition paid tribute to Roald Dahl, born September 13,
1916. Some words used specifically by Dahl have been included frightsome,
scrummy, scrumptious, splendiferous, and splendiferousness as well as
dahlesque. Nonetheless, that is not enough to assuage their ludicrous slightly
sad additions.
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