|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
28 March 2014
|Consciously Uncouple Me
The scoop from Goop. You know. Gwenny’s self-promoting online lifestyle bible
(well, her son is named Moses) with instructions for how to live in true
enlightened perfection – just like her. Nauseating...unless you were searching
for the perfect – oh say – cashmere cardy for a mere $1200 – so that you too
could be perfect like surely LA’s most solipsistic celebrity. Okay. One of them.
TV pundits thought it was so ‘sad’ that Paltrow and Martin were splitting up. No.
It’s sad that they thought it was so sad. They said P&M were ‘the perfect
couple’ while some said they were ‘a normal couple’ just living their lives. WTF.
What reality do these people live in? Whoever thought P&M even lived together
One clue: the demand that they never be caught in the same photographic
frame. Darling. Soooo normal. Perhaps normal for self-obsessed-self-important
Here it is yet again – 2000 word “Conscious Uncoupling” for all those who feel
for Gwenny, who feel they know her, who feel the need for a sick bag
“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have
been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it
separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have
come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain
We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer
than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly
wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be
respected at this difficult time.
We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we
consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same
Love, Gwyneth & Chris.”
‘Love’ you two too. If they are now “closer than we have ever been” – hmmmm
– not too close then.
But what about Beyonce and Jay-Z...the 8 homes...the millions? How will they
ever consciously uncouple these attachments in the divorce settlement?
“Let’s just divide up the houses. Two for you, two for me, two for each of the
“Oh yeah. The kids. I forgot. I’m just so busy. I want Beyonce.”
“No. I want Beyonce. She’ll help my career.”
“She reads Goop. She’s mine.”
“You always get everything.”
“Ten years and you just figured that out. Wake up and smell the Kopi Luwak
coffee at $1000 a pound or $90 a cup. I know I have.”
With Vanity Fair about to spill the organic mung beans on Gwenny’s ‘non-
affairs’ with Miami billionaire Jeffrey Soffer, who recently married (the nasty
and annoying) Elle Macpherson and powerful entertainment ‘power lawyer’
Kevin Yorn – powerful entertainer Gwenny forced them to put the lid on it.
And those public kisses on the lips of an ex-boyfriend Donovan Leitch at an LA
Dogers game was an illusion according to her over-worked publicist. The
Vanity Fair article was to be entitled: ‘The Paltrow Affair’. Really. Editor
Graydon Carter referred to “accusations of serial infidelity”. Oh dear. Imperfect
In one of the endless revelatory interviews Gwenny gives every hour she
wanted us to know the ‘best decision’ she had ever made was “to marry my
Gwenny now says she wants more ‘me’ time. Wait. Wait a minute here. Isn’t
that what we have all been subjected to for the last 10 years? Me-me-me-me-
me-me time after time after time?
If only we could be ‘consciously uncoupled’ from this couple.
I tried not to, the critics warned me, the ratings dropped, but I simply couldn’t
help myself. I am guilty. I laughed at Michael McIntyre’s new talk show. I
laughed at Michael McIntyre.
Yes. It’s OTT – he’s OTT. He’s a comedian. He makes people laugh. Critics say
he’s not Graham Norton. Really? The Graham Norton who nearly falls on the
floor to kiss the shoes of his big celebrity guests? “It’s...[fill in over-hyped,
under-talented American celebrity]...YES! IT’S... (oh okay) TOMMMMMMM
CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZ!!!! YES! IT IS!!! RIGHT HERE!” Admit it. All that
sycophantic hysteria is nauseating and cringe-making.
When MM squeals: “It’s...(add at least four adjectives here for each guest)....
[fill in British celeb]!” At least he doesn’t supplicate himself in front of them
before they have even sit down. He does seem to dance around a bit though.
MM isn’t as camp as Alan Carr, but then who is? Chatty man seems quite sweet
and possibly an amusing friend, but funny? Not so much.
Hanging there tenuously is Jonathan Ross of course. Clearly a clever guy and
willing to push the sexual innuendo envelope until his guest squeals and he does
make people laugh. But for some inexplicable reason, all that McIntyre
exaggerated comic act is actually entertaining. Even if you don’t dare tell
The Book Stops Here
Did I miss something? When did magazine subscriptions, spare socks and
underpants become major threats? Add books and it all comes clear. These are
seriously dangerous items in a prison environment. Huh?
Clearly Justice Secretary Chris Grayling is enjoying a Kim Jong-un minute.
“The restrictions on access to parcels by prisoners are necessary because of
the need to limit the ability of offenders to get hold of drugs and contraband.”
Contraband is a euphemism for single black cotton sock? Clearly he is having a
laugh and enjoying a malicious moment. Mandatory hair cuts are sure to follow.
Writers have rallied. Susan Hill: “Banning books is the first thing dictators in
totalitarian states do.” Philip Pullman: “One of the most disgusting, mean,
vindictive acts of a barbaric government.” Anthony Horowitz: “Books represent
humanity and civilisation, two abstracts which may be in short demand in the
prison environment.” After all; knowledge is a dangerous thing. Remember
So it’s all crime and punishment, not a book at bedtime. No rehabilitation
through inspiration, research, education, enlightenment, self-help, self-
improvement, self-development. Obviously reading opens the mind. Life in a cell
24 hours a day surely does the opposite.
Prisons minister Jeremy Wright defended the bonkers book ban when he
appeared before the Justice Select Committee: “It simply isn't practical to have
unrestricted access from the outside to prisoners for books or anything else”.
Let's keep those Tories in power.