7 July 2018
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Closing Ranks

All right. Possibly best to sit down. Time for military manoeuvres. Our ‘Brexit
President’ is coming with military might on display. As you do if you are a
militaristic country. “Wait. Are you telling me there’s a country we haven’t gone
into, executed – oh oops – removed the head of and taken over in the world?
Really? Oh right. England. Oh. It’s Britain? Anyway, get ready…I’m about to
enter with great fanfare. Whooooopie!”

Here we go: choppers at the ready. More than 150 US agents will ‘swoop’ into
the UK for The Donald’s three-day visit next Thursday. Riot vans, helicopters,
mounted officers, search dogs, public order units and protest removal units will
join counter-terrorism and specialist protection.

But let’s start off with the cash. The bill for the three-day trip is estimated to be
more than £30 million between both countries. The largest contingent of US
secret service agents and up to 10,000 British police officers – but who is

The ‘mine’s bigger than yours’ statistics? Army of agents flew in on one of the
world’s largest military planes - the Super Galaxy C5 – you knew about that
plane surely. It’s also carrying The Don’s ‘protective’ vehicle “The Beast” AKA
“Limo One.” It’s a hi-tech £1.2 million Cadillac which is part of a £15 million
armoured car fleet. That Super Galaxy C5 is also packed with limousines and
SUVs, each fitted with medical and blood supplies, weapons, radio
communications equipment and protective clothing. Sigh.

Lying down yet? Not yet. Best to be en garde. AND, the aircraft carrier carries
Black Hawk helicopters ready to conduct a rescue mission after a terror attack
or breakout of war! and Twin rotor Osprey V22 aircraft will be on standby.
Preparations for going into a war zone? Now what does this tell you? A military
dictatorship? OK. Just military war-mongering country.

Dummies at Dawn

First we had the Trump Baby 20-ft high balloon in nappies, and in the spirit of
typical American competition, then we had crowdfunding for a baby balloon of
London Mayor Sadiq Khan to hover over Parliament.

It was possibly assumed this might be the result of Sadiq being behind the big
Trump Baby. Sorry, guys. Not so. He granted permission. Well, he is the Mayor
isn’t he? So what did he do? Granted permission. You can complain about
Sadiq, but he doesn’t suffer from arrested development.

An environmental campaigner, Leo Murray, and Matt Bonner created the Baby
Blimp Trump which will fly from Parliament Square Gardens next to Houses of
Parliament…thankfully in nappies if you were worried. And anyway, The Don
has been doing that obvious activity on the UK all by himself. He’s that advanced.
The organisers said: “Donald Trump is a big angry baby with a fragile ego and
tiny hands…he seems to hate it when people make fun of him.”

If the Baby goes ahead, it will fly between 9.30am and 11.30am on Friday 13
July timed to coincide with protests around London. 1,000 helium balloons will be
handed out, these with the picture of the big Baby during the more than 50,000
protesters greeting his arrival. A pity the big baby Donald will by-pass London on
his way to see the Queen. He’ll miss the party.

But Baby Donald will be made available to other cities and countries expecting a
visit from him…just to annoy him. Thinking one of his snipers will shoot it down.

Born to Be Blond

Nige bleaches his hair blond!? Seriously. Farage’s attempt at ‘separated at birth’
or simply his attempt at besties with our boy in Washington? The reason for the
change in colour? Oh, “It was simply being reflected in Brussels' summer sun”.
Right. That blinding tropical sun Brussels is famous for.

Perhaps he was trying go incognito from the revelations by Bloomberg. Peer
Lord Foulkes said: "…there was a secret conspiracy between the polling
companies and the hedge funds to manipulate currency levels in order to make
billions of pounds, in which Nigel Farage appears to have been one of the
conspirators.” Shock, horror! Not Nige!?

Lord Foulkes said he was "astonished" when Nige conceded defeat at around
10pm on the night of the referendum - even though, he "apparently knew" that
the result was "entirely the opposite.

"When the actual result was announced, the pound dropped and the hedge
funds made a huge killing - billions of pounds - because they had this inside
information that they had paid all that money for." Now who doesn’t love corrupt
capitalism with blond ambitions?

What to say, what to say? Well, we know that EastEnder’s Danny Dyer had
quite a lot to say and now Hugh Grant. And what were they ranting about? Oh,
just one of our favourite Tories, welfare chief Esther McVey, and the repeated
overt, outright, outrageous lies she told about her Work and Pensions

Now one of our revered actors, after his beyond brilliant portrayal of Jeremy
Thorpe, Hugh delivered a brutal attack on the Department for Work and
Pensions and the government:

The most fuck awful government in the history of fuck awful governments.
— Hugh Grant (@HackedOffHugh) July 2, 2018

Ah. Thank you, Hugh. So succinctly put.

Oh and curiously, the nation’s most revered, admired and loved broadcaster Sir
David Attenborough had been told to cease and desist from making any more
disparagingly accurate comments about Brexit a year ago.

A friend: “Sir David was shocked that he should be cautioned in this way at his
time of life. He cherishes freedom of speech above all things.”

Sir David said that the referendum was an “abrogation of democracy” and said
he was alarmed by “the rise of nationalism”. He also suggested Michael Gove
either couldn’t – or wouldn’t – grasp the implications of leaving the EU. Thus, it
was the Daily Mail wot done it. Remember Mikey and that hideous shouty Mail
columnist, Sara Vine, who happens to be his wife? Hmm. Sir David has been
silenced. Charming.

The devastating NAO (the national audit watchdog) study in the Commons last
week revealed the six-in-one benefit has not delivered value for money and its
rollout has been slower than promised. We know that Esther made "incorrect"
claims about benefits in Parliament, thus disowning its Universal Credit report.

Her own civil servants disagree with her, Sir Amyas of the NAO wrote to Esther:
"Our report was fully agreed with senior officials in your department. It is based
in the most accurate and up-to-date information from your department.” The
DWP's own surveys showed 40% of claimants were experiencing financial
difficulties while waiting for 11 weeks or more. A quarter of new claims, 113,000,
were not paid in full on time last year. Reality bites, Esther.

Naturally, Esther has been ‘unavailable’ to meet with NAO. “What is the matter
with these bloody peasants? Let them go to those food banks. Let them eat cake
for god’s sake! and really, the weather is just lovely. They can sleep in the

What she really said: "I am open, I am straight, I say it like it is.” She tries so
hard to convince herself, really. Not us though. Here she tries again: “The result
will be a tailor-made system based on the individual. This is a unique example of
great British innovation. And we are leading the world in developing this kind of
person-centred system." And we know she deliberately lied about knowing there
were problems.

When her speech was finished, she smiled and gave a thumbs up. Ew. How old
is she? Twelve?  Suspicions arose when Esther gave a speech about how well
the DWP was doing. We all know lying is her modus operandi, rather like her
boss, yes, Theresa.

When caught out in two lies in one day, she lied during her 'apology' and again
during an urgent parliamentary debate about the lies in her 'apology'; she did
the: “What I wanted to say was…” but we weren’t listening. Her resignation has
been demanded.

Esther’s predecessor Iain Duncan Smith, described the NAO report as a
"shoddy piece of work", adding "Who really polices this policeman? Because
this piece of work does them no credit at all." Esther reiterated: “I meant to say,
I meant to say…” What exactly, Esther? We thought you already said it –
emphatically punctuated with your thumb.

A Bit Rich

Meanwhile, what were the rich doing other than making money? They were
spending it – by financially supporting the humanity-loving Tories with tens of
thousands of pounds at a secret lavish fundraising event. Nothing new there

Meanwhile, a senior UN investigator is set to examine the impact of the
government’s extraordinarily austere austerity policy and the rise of poverty in
the UK. A bit shocking don’t you think? That bad.

Let’s remind the many Tory-backing millionaires that in the UK, over 14 million
people now live in poverty. Oh we can’t can we. They are drinking and eating
‘lavish food’ they paid a mere £1,500 for and bidding for ‘top Tory prizes’. Now
who doesn’t love a ‘top Tory prize’? Ready? Pheasant and partridge shoots and
– wait – a ride in Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Bentley. One of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s
Bentley. Ah. Buying access to ministers. Quelle surprise.

So now we know Moggy drives around in a Bentley. Did we know that? Not only
that, but ONE of his vintage Bentleys. Ah. Isn’t life grand when you live a terrible
posh existence in another decade….

Another option? Dinner with Mikey! Oh the thrill. Lest we forget: At a previous
Tory fund raising party, Tories accepted £160,000 from Lubov Chernukhin –
wife of Vladimir Putin's deputy finance minister – in payment for a tennis match
with Boris. Remember that? The same donor paid £30k for lunch with Defence
Secretary Gavin Williamson. Now that is a thrill. Do you suppose his ‘pet’
tarantella had it’s own seat at the table?

Lost in Translation

He’s baaaacckkkk. Thomas Markle fears daughter will never see him again -
telling pals: “I haven’t talked with Meghan and Harry in a long time." But wait. He
apparently may not recognise her voice…new voice that is. Those who have
fawned all over her during her meet&greet along with the Queen…I know, really,
with the Queen…have gone on twitter with a video of her doing hair flipping with
every so earnest “Thank you, thank you, thank you…”  

Possibly help from Ex-Waity, who had to have Received Pronunciation lessons
to obtain that cut-glass accent? As well as with the hair flipping? Hmm. Possibly
not as not the best of friends now we know.

If this is the result of two months, imagine six. “Ohhhh, daaaahhhling.” Come on
now, join in. “Thankkk youuuu sooooo very much…how’m I doin’? Like ya know
- huh? Boy! I’m sucha faaaab actress.”

Mr Markle fears they may not “ever be together again” and believes the royal
couple are now “shot” of him. Oh dear. “Shot” of him? What does that mean in
American English exactly? Yes, we can figure it out. Just saying. He has been
telling friends: “I haven’t talked to Meghan and Harry for a long time. I think
they're shot of me now.”

A source said: “Thomas is heartbroken. He is at a complete loss as to why he
has been excluded.”

Mr Markle now fears Megan will never visit him in Mexico, saying: “I don’t know if
she’ll visit. I told her not to come and visit when I was in hospital. I think that
relationship is lost now.”

We have heard all this before, but for his sake, why not repeat it? A friend:
“Throughout his life, Thomas helped his kids out whenever he could. He had a
good well-paid job as a lighting director working incredibly long hours to support
his family.

“He never wanted to see them go without, particularly Meghan. She wanted for
nothing. But when Thomas retired he felt like he was just dropped as the money
was no longer there. He thought in his dotage, the money would be coming back
the other way, but it never did.”

Hmm. Is this the last we will hear from Mr Markle? I rather doubt it. Poor man.
MM’s self-professed daughterly devotion: dismal display. “But my public needs
me. They love me, they are devoted to me and I am now the new fashion queen.
Tell Mr Markle I have moved – address unknown. Oh thank you. Let me give you
a big hug.”

Reasons to Be Very Cheerful

Gareth Southgate interviewed with ITV: “We have the chance to affect
something bigger than ourselves. We’re a team with our diversity and our youth
that represent modern England. In England we have spent a bit of time being a
bit lost as to what our modern identity is. I think as a team we represent that
modern identity and hopefully people can connect with us.” A god.
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