LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 December 2011
Christmas Cheer


Up You EU

Not the brightest bulb on the Downing Street Christmas tree yet shining with a
noticeable orange glow, PM CallMeDave told Brussels: “You play the new
London Monopoly board game according to my rules or I am taking it and
going back to my little island. Ring my mum and tell her to pick me up in ten
minutes. I’ll be waiting outside before it gets dark.”

CMD is back and smug as ever. Quite the shame he has no idea how daft,
arrogant, immature he looks. “Sarkozy and I are still terribly good friends.” That
explains why Sarkozy specifically blanked him then.

He didn’t take any aides with him, no plan, didn’t inform/strategise with Clegg
for 9 hours. “Hi Nick. Guess what I did today. I changed the history of Britain.”

Conservative isolationists surely formed a circle, held hands, jumped up in a
celebratory mood. “We won! We won! We won! We’ll soon be true to our
indigenous heritage. Britain for the British! Rule Britannia. You know - the
Celts, Romans, Vikings, Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Spanish, Normans.” “But they
were from Norway, Denmark, Germany, central Europe, Italy, Spain and
France.””Really?”

CMD sold out when he aligned his party with the super-right-wing fascists in
2009, removing the Conservatives from the mainstream centre-right of Merkel
and Sarkozy. CMD won’t be offered a party hat or party favour as he won’t find
a seat at the table in the future. He has no friends outside his own inner Eton
circle. Ohhh. Poor self-serving CMD.

40% of our trade comes from Europe. Well thought out forward thinking
decision making CMD. Inept, unimaginative, undiplomatic CallMeDave – a
stratagem for election? No going back now CMD. ‘We’re all in this together.’
City financial institutions packing off to Europe? European revenge? All in all,
what a mess.


IN THE MIX

X Factor ‘winners’ Little Mix will make the 2012 Olympics’ opening ceremonies
memorable as the featured performers. Who makes these decisions? An
attempt to impress the world with Britain’s musical legacy? Perhaps it is a better
than Sir Cliff singing
Congratulations....

The choice: so cool. So contemporary.  So now. So wrong. But no worries.
They won’t be singing anyway – if they ever did. Every potential pop ‘star’
mimes out of necessity: over-produced, over-dubbed and rarely talented.
Simon Cowell plans to transform the girl band into the Spice Girls of the
century, James Corden is a fan – now that tells you something doesn’t it....
Morris dancers have banded together in protest. Look for them to create ‘flash
mobs’ as they mingle with the crowds along the torch procession route and at
the Games. They will demonstrate their 600 year old skills with unbridled
enthusiasm. Now that bit of anarchy should make things quite fun.


TOP TIPS

Goodness me. The Duchess of Cornwall is giving ex Waity Kaity more beauty
advice. No really. Having gotten the better of facials, Camilla is ready to
undertake hair. No really. Camilla wants ex WK to have those premature grey
hairs coloured by top stylist Jo Hansford whom Camilla has been seeing for the
last 20 years. A regular revealed: ‘When Camilla was last in the salon, she was
talking about how she has been trying to get Kate in to see Jo.’ Evidently no
one in the salon has mentioned that road kill/nest/straw perched on Camilla’s
head is not a good look.

A source has revealed that ‘Camilla loves Kate’s long thick hair but she thinks
she should cut it or colour it and do something a bit different. She has
recommended Jo for a bit of a makeover. She is always giving Kate tips and
handy hints. Camilla has been a big influence on Kate – more than people
realise.’ Sounds ominous.

“We know pandas are au courant, but Darling, you are scaring young children
with that eyeliner. And those silky women-of-a-certain-age dresses hanging off
your bones. Think young. Think contemporary. What about one of those Mary
Portas tunics? Here. Have another mince pie. And no more visits to the loo.”

The question is why? Why is Camilla making herself indispensable, a mentor, a
personal stylist? Oh what would Diana have to say? Still. It’s a comfort the two
are so similar in their Machiavellian MO.
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