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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
All I Want for Christmas is a PA - 4 December 2007
Could it be that the solution to your Christmas gift giving dilemma is a simple £4.99 purchase?
The Little Red Riders Book: The Backstage Requests Of Rock 'n' Roll's Most Famous Artists.
Perhaps not the most inspiring of titles. Nevertheless, it could be enough to satisfy the vicarious
desires those on your Christmas list.
Pensioners who can only occasionally recall their rock star drummer dreams of fame whenever
they hear the word ‘cream’. Over extended, over stretched mothers who daydream of a PA and
spa life style as they apply anti-nit solution to their children’s locks yet again. Teenagers who
choreograph their binge drinking/drug taking after Amy Winehouse/Kate Moss/ Pete
Doherty/Princes Harry and WillIiam/etc. Children with ambition to be celebrities without talent.
The X in Xmas = the X Factor.
For example the famed for diva behaviour, Mariah Carey. Remember her? She will be forced to
throw a Naomi Campbell if she doesn’t get her two air purifiers and box of bendy straws.
Bendy…hmmm. Plus one ‘special attendant’ to dispose of her used chewing gum. Just one? Do
you suppose Maria spits it into the upheld hand of said special attendant? “Here it comes! Oh
shit. I missed again.” She must also have cute puppies and kittens to cuddle. “You love me even
if I can’t aim, don’t you….”
Lily Allen also needs the assurance of a guarantee puppy cuddle -but only for the night. Ring the
RSPCA.
Mr "Sex Machine" himself, James Brown needed "two girls under the age of 21 and a ladies' hair
dryer". Was that two under aged students of hair dressing techniques? Was he inspired by Elvis’
demand for two under aged in (white) underpants?
Sammy Davis Jr expected to be greeted by an assortment of ‘groovy chicks’. Surely this implies
he thought of himself as equally … groovy. I think not. Was this a matter of mix + match?
The Rolling Stones require HP sauce, shepherd's pie and a toilet on wheels… moving it from
room to room? Placing it by the bed? Planning to take it with them? “It’s my turn. Bring it over
here. Mick!” Keith wants a guitar strap. What has he been using? Rope?
Most celebrities need masses of champagne, whiskey, beer - except Paul McCartney who
undoubtedly sneaks in his own. He needs to be able to hide in nineteen leafy 6ft plants and four
leafy 4ft plants.
The thoroughly repellent James Blunt must-haves include: 120 bottles of beer, 12 bottles of
Magners cider, 4 bottles of vodka, 3 bottles of white wine, 2 bottles of champagne all in order
for him to tolerate himself or to seduce any female breathing. “Yer butiful….”
Oasis go for lots of: "Lots of" Guinness, "lots of" beer, "lots of" red wine, "lots of" vodka, a bottle
of whisky. Let’s not forget lots of Monster Munch, Wotsits, Doritos and dip. And for lots of detox?
Everyone’s favourite name-changer, identity-confused Puffy, Sean John, P Diddy, Chinless
Challenged expects to be greeted by 204 towels, 20 bars of soap, 2 bottles of Hennessy
cognac, 2 bottles of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio, 2 bottles of Veuve Clicquot, 2 bottles … one
of Dom Perignon and one of Grey Goose vodka. Is le Petite Puff into numerology? Perhaps not;
only one $300,000 bullet-proof Maybach.
Jamie Cullum refuses to perform without 20 bottles of Moet & Chandon, 20 bottles of good-
quality lager/beer, 12 small bottles of still mineral water, 4 cans of Guinness, 2 bottles of a good-
quality red wine and a good-quality white wine, a half-bottle of Myers rum. Non specific Marks &
Spencer sandwiches. Crisps, nuts, yoghurt, bananas, apples, grapes, pineapple. Ice but with no
straight edges. You do begin to wonder…. A full-length mirror which must have lights around it,
and a deck. Who would have guessed this little faux-jazz guy could ingest all of the above for a
single gig.
Why are so many of these celebs uneven-number phobic? Where are the favourites: 7, 11, 23?
Again. The Pogues will swig 24 bottles of beer, a bottle each of gin, vodka, dry white wine,
Martini, brandy, champagne, ginger beer, Rock shandy, 2 bottles of non-alcoholic Beck's. Huh?
Is someone driving? Marlboro Red and Lights. Benson & Hedges. Chocolate.
At the other end of things, Barbra Streisand won’t lower her ample bum without first examining
the toilet bowl for floating rose petals. Is that after every flush then? Does Babs require a
‘special attendant’ in attendance? “Pink! I said pale pink! No red, no yellow, no white! Are you
deaf? Hurry up! Replace those. I have to pee.”
We are all familiar with Madonna and her new toilet seat requirement, plus 25 cases of Kabbalah
water…to flush? “Attendant!”
Beyonce demands her toilet be scrubbed with disinfectant. She wants a two-person love seat in
a 78ft sweet/chocolate/crisp-free dressing room. 78ft exactly. I must ask why?
While still on the subject, Robbie Williams must have soft loo paper. Is there something Robbie
wants to share with his public? Or perhaps with himself in the mandatory 2 full-length mirrors. “I
can love/hate myself twice as much.”
Prince or whoever he is now; RF… religious fanatic, JW… Jahovah’s Witness wants all food is to
be covered in clear plastic wrap accompanied by a physician. To check for poisons?
More self-indulgent madness: Jennifer Lopez sees in black and white only. White flowers. White
tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Lowwatt lightbulbs. Okay so far, but
wait. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise. Is that café latte?
Hopefully the rather pointless Jools Holland hopes for friends: fifty clean pint glasses…I suggest
the staff try dirty just for fun. 5 bottles of good quality champagne and 12 local postcards with
1st class stamps licked and pasted to prove that he doesn’t do 2nd class and is popular
everywhere. Really.
Marilyn Manson practices cryogenics with air-conditioning always on full, a bottle of Absinthe and
a bald hooker with no teeth. What do you suppose he does with her after taking the piss?
Unpleasantly chauvinistic Motley Crue have need of mayonnaise, (rubbish) Grey Poupon Dijon
mustard, (yucky) creamy peanut butter and how could they live another day without a 12ft-long
boa constrictor. No mice, chickens, baby rabbits, kittens, puppies then? A sub-machine gun and
the ever essential Local Alcoholics' Anonymous meeting schedules.
Almost certainly the ultimate in hedonism is David Hasselhoff who can’t live without a life-size cut-
out of himself - to remind himself who he is? “Hey. Look. There are two – wait - three of me!” No
mention of his alcohol requirements.
Drugged dumb, surgically enhanced, surrounded by sycophants what could they want for
Christmas? Simply ask their PAs.
Could it be that the solution to your Christmas gift giving dilemma is a simple £4.99 purchase?
The Little Red Riders Book: The Backstage Requests Of Rock 'n' Roll's Most Famous Artists.
Perhaps not the most inspiring of titles. Nevertheless, it could be enough to satisfy the vicarious
desires those on your Christmas list.
Pensioners who can only occasionally recall their rock star drummer dreams of fame whenever
they hear the word ‘cream’. Over extended, over stretched mothers who daydream of a PA and
spa life style as they apply anti-nit solution to their children’s locks yet again. Teenagers who
choreograph their binge drinking/drug taking after Amy Winehouse/Kate Moss/ Pete
Doherty/Princes Harry and WillIiam/etc. Children with ambition to be celebrities without talent.
The X in Xmas = the X Factor.
For example the famed for diva behaviour, Mariah Carey. Remember her? She will be forced to
throw a Naomi Campbell if she doesn’t get her two air purifiers and box of bendy straws.
Bendy…hmmm. Plus one ‘special attendant’ to dispose of her used chewing gum. Just one? Do
you suppose Maria spits it into the upheld hand of said special attendant? “Here it comes! Oh
shit. I missed again.” She must also have cute puppies and kittens to cuddle. “You love me even
if I can’t aim, don’t you….”
Lily Allen also needs the assurance of a guarantee puppy cuddle -but only for the night. Ring the
RSPCA.
Mr "Sex Machine" himself, James Brown needed "two girls under the age of 21 and a ladies' hair
dryer". Was that two under aged students of hair dressing techniques? Was he inspired by Elvis’
demand for two under aged in (white) underpants?
Sammy Davis Jr expected to be greeted by an assortment of ‘groovy chicks’. Surely this implies
he thought of himself as equally … groovy. I think not. Was this a matter of mix + match?
The Rolling Stones require HP sauce, shepherd's pie and a toilet on wheels… moving it from
room to room? Placing it by the bed? Planning to take it with them? “It’s my turn. Bring it over
here. Mick!” Keith wants a guitar strap. What has he been using? Rope?
Most celebrities need masses of champagne, whiskey, beer - except Paul McCartney who
undoubtedly sneaks in his own. He needs to be able to hide in nineteen leafy 6ft plants and four
leafy 4ft plants.
The thoroughly repellent James Blunt must-haves include: 120 bottles of beer, 12 bottles of
Magners cider, 4 bottles of vodka, 3 bottles of white wine, 2 bottles of champagne all in order
for him to tolerate himself or to seduce any female breathing. “Yer butiful….”
Oasis go for lots of: "Lots of" Guinness, "lots of" beer, "lots of" red wine, "lots of" vodka, a bottle
of whisky. Let’s not forget lots of Monster Munch, Wotsits, Doritos and dip. And for lots of detox?
Everyone’s favourite name-changer, identity-confused Puffy, Sean John, P Diddy, Chinless
Challenged expects to be greeted by 204 towels, 20 bars of soap, 2 bottles of Hennessy
cognac, 2 bottles of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio, 2 bottles of Veuve Clicquot, 2 bottles … one
of Dom Perignon and one of Grey Goose vodka. Is le Petite Puff into numerology? Perhaps not;
only one $300,000 bullet-proof Maybach.
Jamie Cullum refuses to perform without 20 bottles of Moet & Chandon, 20 bottles of good-
quality lager/beer, 12 small bottles of still mineral water, 4 cans of Guinness, 2 bottles of a good-
quality red wine and a good-quality white wine, a half-bottle of Myers rum. Non specific Marks &
Spencer sandwiches. Crisps, nuts, yoghurt, bananas, apples, grapes, pineapple. Ice but with no
straight edges. You do begin to wonder…. A full-length mirror which must have lights around it,
and a deck. Who would have guessed this little faux-jazz guy could ingest all of the above for a
single gig.
Why are so many of these celebs uneven-number phobic? Where are the favourites: 7, 11, 23?
Again. The Pogues will swig 24 bottles of beer, a bottle each of gin, vodka, dry white wine,
Martini, brandy, champagne, ginger beer, Rock shandy, 2 bottles of non-alcoholic Beck's. Huh?
Is someone driving? Marlboro Red and Lights. Benson & Hedges. Chocolate.
At the other end of things, Barbra Streisand won’t lower her ample bum without first examining
the toilet bowl for floating rose petals. Is that after every flush then? Does Babs require a
‘special attendant’ in attendance? “Pink! I said pale pink! No red, no yellow, no white! Are you
deaf? Hurry up! Replace those. I have to pee.”
We are all familiar with Madonna and her new toilet seat requirement, plus 25 cases of Kabbalah
water…to flush? “Attendant!”
Beyonce demands her toilet be scrubbed with disinfectant. She wants a two-person love seat in
a 78ft sweet/chocolate/crisp-free dressing room. 78ft exactly. I must ask why?
While still on the subject, Robbie Williams must have soft loo paper. Is there something Robbie
wants to share with his public? Or perhaps with himself in the mandatory 2 full-length mirrors. “I
can love/hate myself twice as much.”
Prince or whoever he is now; RF… religious fanatic, JW… Jahovah’s Witness wants all food is to
be covered in clear plastic wrap accompanied by a physician. To check for poisons?
More self-indulgent madness: Jennifer Lopez sees in black and white only. White flowers. White
tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Lowwatt lightbulbs. Okay so far, but
wait. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise. Is that café latte?
Hopefully the rather pointless Jools Holland hopes for friends: fifty clean pint glasses…I suggest
the staff try dirty just for fun. 5 bottles of good quality champagne and 12 local postcards with
1st class stamps licked and pasted to prove that he doesn’t do 2nd class and is popular
everywhere. Really.
Marilyn Manson practices cryogenics with air-conditioning always on full, a bottle of Absinthe and
a bald hooker with no teeth. What do you suppose he does with her after taking the piss?
Unpleasantly chauvinistic Motley Crue have need of mayonnaise, (rubbish) Grey Poupon Dijon
mustard, (yucky) creamy peanut butter and how could they live another day without a 12ft-long
boa constrictor. No mice, chickens, baby rabbits, kittens, puppies then? A sub-machine gun and
the ever essential Local Alcoholics' Anonymous meeting schedules.
Almost certainly the ultimate in hedonism is David Hasselhoff who can’t live without a life-size cut-
out of himself - to remind himself who he is? “Hey. Look. There are two – wait - three of me!” No
mention of his alcohol requirements.
Drugged dumb, surgically enhanced, surrounded by sycophants what could they want for
Christmas? Simply ask their PAs.
