LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
4 December 2013
Chinese Checkers

SELL! SELL! SELL! Shouts in unison in Prime Minister’s Questions? BUY!
BUY! BUY! The clever Tory boys are selling everything they can get their nasty
little hands on. Today it’s the disposal of the UK’s 40% stake in Eurostar. Surely
all those broken promises and U-turns are an integral part of their stratagem via
King of Australian Spin Lynton Crosby. WIN! WIN! WIN!

Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, has doubled the coalition's
target for the disposal of state assets to £20bn over the next six years. Inspired
by the recently undervaluing of the Royal Mail?

As the standard poodle, PM CallMeDave travelled all the way to China where
there was a chance he could have been bought in a street market and eaten for
dinner. Lucky escape, Dave.

Adventurous CMD took his ‘personal associates’ as you do - step-father-in-law,
Viscount Astor and good City PR chief friend, Alan Parker to sell what he could
immediately offer: speed rail going north and nuclear power plants.

Surprisingly our boy Dave didn’t offer the latter to the Japanese. Or possibly he
had tried. They were probably still busy trying to clean up their radiation mess

Now what do we need? Massive...massive...massive new housing. Much more
important to get to the centre of the world, Birmingham 20 minutes quicker.
Right? Think tank Centreforum and the public agree this should not go ahead.
Regardless the Chinese will supply us with the controversial high-speed rail,
HS2.

CMD apparently is unaware of the fact there have been 2 fatal crashes due to
their expertise and that the former Chinese Rail Minister and principle architect
– former because he’s in jail – oops – due to die due to corruption. Oh dear.
And will the Chinese take the nuclear waste with them? They could take it to
Africa where they have been raping, oh sorry, reaping the riches of the
continent for 30 years now.

Will their new projects be stamped with Made in China I wonder. Maybe not.

While this new rail line will surely be a white elephant, beware of Chinese
bearing gifts – particularly if they are made of ivory. Bloody gifts – literally.
Bloody elephants.

The Chinese are responsible for the slaughter of elephants in unprecedented
numbers. There is an insatiable demand for ivory in China. You do wonder why
this need to decimate the elephant population for what? Small statues?
Bracelets? What is the newly burgeoning middle class doing with all the ivory of
52,000 carcasses annually – leaving possibly only 250,000 of the magnificent
creatures left in Southern Africa.

The UN and PM Gordon Brown have elephant blood on their collective hands
when they gave China a gift on a plate in 2008 with approval of ‘Approved Ivory
Trading State’ – thus ‘a licensed buyer’ of ivory – provided the elephant
population was healthy and thriving; a license to kill. Something lost in the
translation then? I think not. Dire warnings were issued at the time.

Do you suppose the Chinese offered an elephant or two here or there for
British zoos? CallMeDave didn’t say.

And now it’s (London mayor) Boris’s turn. The thick will always be thick and the
rich will always be rich. So simple. So stupid.

Last week as part of the annual Margaret Thatcher lecture, Boris told his
superiorly intelligent audience that 16% of "our species" had an IQ of less than
85 and 2% more than 130 and that inequality is essential to fostering "the spirit
of envy" and greed is a "valuable spur to economic activity. Whatever you may
think of the value of IQ tests, it is surely relevant to a conversation about
equality...” Boris insisted his remarks regarding the dim had been
misinterpreted. But when asked IQ questions live on London radio Boris
became part of that 16%.

The radio presenter Nick Ferrari offered him 3 questions; he failed two and
refused to answer the third.

Question 1: A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction,
each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is
it?
Boris: The bear is probably brown. I haven't got a clue what the colour of the
bear is nor is it relevant to this discussion.
Correct answer: White. The house must be at the North Pole for all sides to
have a southern exposure so therefore it is a polar bear. [Now how hard was
that one? Not.]

Question 2: How many apples would you have if you took two apples from three
apples?
Boris: You've got loads of apples mate, you've got one apple left.
Correct answer: You took two apples, so you've got two apples. [Oh Boris.]

Question 3: I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound my alarm
clock to set the alarm for nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours' sleep
will I get before the alarm goes off?
Boris: Well I slept like a log because I was looking forward... we’re waiting for
some more sensible questions.
Correct answer: An hour as a wind-up clock only has 12 hours. [Everyone
knows the answer is in the question...except Boris.]

Boris: No one said IQ is the only measure of ability.

You did Boris. Surely to-the-manor-born-Boris doesn’t owe his ‘success’ to his
birth background.

I’m not experiencing the joys of greed or envying Boris at the moment. He’s not
clever enough.
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