29 July 2017
A Chicken in Every Pot

Liam Fox is annoyed. The International Trade Secretary has called the media
“obsessed” with the issue of US-UK trade deals in regards to chlorine-rinsed
battery chickens.

“Really. Me? Ha. You are joking. I wouldn’t
touch a chlorinated-chicken. Ha.
We're delighted to have sub-standard, chemically-filled, GM food and animal
feed and hormone-injected meat. Alright. I exaggerate. It isn’t proper food as we
know it. Damn those Europeans. I’m thinking we could have the passed their sell-
by-date Frankenstein chickens to be tossed off the back of a lorry while the
plebs run after. Oh. What!? I have to – erm – eat one? I have a chlorine allergy.
God I’m clever. And surely The Donald will want to include GM babies. Who
couldn’t love a genetically modified baby?”

Be prepared to eat all those unhygienic, bacteria-ridden ‘foods’. The US says:
no salmonella chicken, no deal. So you think chlorine is the only problem? Oh
really. How naïve. Arsenic, anti-histamines, steroids and ketamine have been
found in them. I know. What’s not to love, Liam?

"There's no food safety issue with chlorine-washed goods because the EU
themselves say that's perfectly safe." Not exactly. The EU bans the import of
poultry which has been rinsed with chlorine.

Now Environment Secretary, Michael Gove, has vowed to block the chicken deal
in an ‘incendiary escalation’ of a Cabinet row with LF. Mikey has insisted there
would be no dilution of current UK food standards after Brexit. Who knew? Who
knew back-stabbing Mikey would defend the peasants? OK. We have to give him
credit and hope he doesn’t suddenly change his position when Liam twists his
arm back or possibly holds him for ransom or rings up The Donald to come to
the rescue. Remember; Liam does think he’s – cue: laugh here – clever. Future
plans for you with US food companies, Liam? Favouring chickens?

The Donald has promised “a very big & exciting. JOBS!” Liam has been
accused of abandoning British poultry farmers. No! Really!?

Disco Fever

Picture this: Theresa and Phil reliving their youth at one of the many ‘lively’
discos in the Italian town Desenzano del Garda by Lake Garda. If in fact they
ever had ‘a youth’. There they were, Theresa in her pink mini-dress and shades,
Phil in his middle-aged-man’s short-sleeved shirt and shades. Oh. Not such a
pretty sight then. The media can’t seem to stop mentioning Theresa’s knees and
shiny skinny legs that she seems to have a penchant for displaying. “We’re so –
cool – awesome (ew). Stayin’ Alive…That’s the Way I Like It…Never Can Say
Goodbye…I Will Survive…

Home is Where the Heart Is

Wondering what’s going on in Oxford lately? Possibly not. But if you have plans
to become homeless, you might do a little rethink. You’ll need £2,500. Did you
need to blink? Reread? If your worldly possessions are placed in shop doorways
you will face a penalty fine of up to £2,500. I mean, really. How inconsiderate.
How selfish. Can’t you simply walk around carrying all that stuff?

Look and you’ll find legal notices that have been pinned on to your bags A
breach of antisocial behaviour laws don’t you know. Oh you didn’t know? That’s
just ridiculous. Well, you should have.

The notices said the council felt the conduct of the rough sleepers was “having a
detrimental effect … on the quality of life of those in the locality”.  The council is
refusing to re-open a 50-bed homeless hostel in the city centre.

Where was I? Evidently I missed Serena’s adverts for the last ten years. I must
have been watching her win matches. Millionaire Serena “I’ve never played for
money” worth an estimated £130m “not once did I think about the check.” OK.
Possibly she does with her a Tempur-Pedic bed campaign.

Now “I require consistent, restful sleep in order to be at my best, and for the
past 10 years, my Tempur-Pedic bed and pillows have delivered that…this is the
only mattress that adapts to my body, relieving pressure points so I sleep deeply
and wake up ready to perform on the court and conquer whatever the day might

Serena bounces, alright, jumps on one of the ‘Sleep is Power’ beds, hits a few
balls and adds to her bank balance. Really? And her husband is the tech
entrepreneur and best-selling author Alexis Ohanian, owner of Reddit, if the
baby ever needs extra nappies.

On the Road Again

What will you be doing 23 years from now with your diesel/petrol car? OK. What
will you be doing 23 years from now? The government has announced that sales
of new diesel and petrol cars will be banned from 2040. It needs 23 years to
‘gather the facts’ that Europe already has. 2040!

This week former Labour leader and Energy Secretary Ed Miliband said the
move was a "smokescreen" hiding a lack of immediate action to reduce

The Tories tried to hide this. Nothing new there. Despite their efforts to delay
publication of the 2040 plans until after the general election, ministers were
forced to set out the draft plans in May, with the final measures due by July 31.
23 years to gather the facts. That’s about right.
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