|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
15 September 2018
Checkers, Theresa? Boris made his move and checkmate! You lost. And not just
checkers, monopoly as well. 50 are playing against you and as natural bullies,
you’re out. The end game then? The Telegraph says the rebels have 35 of the
48 letters needed for a vote of no confidence.
Plotting the waiting game: combined ‘brains’ and they simply cannot come up
with a move… no checkmate then, mates? Mates (sorry) being Rees-Mogg,
Boris, and Peter Bone.
We know there is a stratagem to oust Theresa. Moggy’s Eurosceptics from the
European Research Group (ERG) have openly discussed how to bring her down
over her Chequers plan.
48 Tory MPs could send letters of no confidence, but - then a vote would be held
amongst the entire parliamentary party - thought deemed improbable until Brexit
is over. And - if Theresa did win that no confidence vote, she can’t be challenge
for at least a year, beating them at their own game. And Chequers? All we hear
is that it is game over. Have they considered Clue? Oh right. They don’t have
any do they?
Be aware, be very aware…and wary. It’s Boris in a parallel universe. Be aware.
This is not a joke. Really! Boris was in his other country getting the Irving Kristol
award, a black-tie dinner at the American Enterprise Institute in Washington.
The award is given for "notable intellectual or practical contributions to improved
public policy and social welfare". Given to – erm – BORIS?! The only Boris we
Escaping from London, he professed his undying mission in life is to “help
people” – stop there. Boris and “help people” in the same sentence proves this
took place in a parallel universe. To “help people stuck in entry level jobs”. Does
Boris know what an entry level job is?
Debating whether to continue his quotes in his absurd bid for PM. Hmm. OK.
One more. “One of the reasons people voted to Leave was because they felt
they were not getting a fair suck of the sauce bottle.” Yo buddy. Yo Boris. Is that
an American expression, dude? I really can’t continue. Just know that he has
threatened the Russian Skripal spies to sue him. Oh good god. Take me back to
Don’t Make Me Laugh…Are You Having a Laugh?
Sandi Toksvig, who has been host of QI - Stephen Fry’s replacement, since
2015, receives 40 percent of the fee paid to Fry. Why? Oh right. Wrong gender.
Assuming the BBC thinks she should be quite thrilled. Her salary is equal to that
of regular panellist Alan Davies. Really. ST became the first female host of a
mainstream comedy panel show on British TV. Do I have to remind? 2015. Oh
let’s do that again: 2015! Not laughing her way to the bank is she?
ST, co-founder of the Women’s Equality Party, isn’t simply insultingly paid, she
says that women are being “marginalised” on television panel shows in that often
their contributions are edit out. Not nice, is that? Underpaid and unseen.
Well, if proof were needed – oh you so know it isn’t – however, Natalie Haynes,
clever, fun, writer, broadcaster and comedian, has a story to tell. On a panel
show the editors had cut every single thing she had said - but one sentence of
what her female colleague had said. The women were left shown laughing,
smiling presumably at their male counterparts. The channel controller happened
to notice. No one, OK, no men had noticed women are capable of – actually
All right, now it gets worse, just like normal life. “The memory of offering an idea
for a segment in the pitch meeting the following day. The producer literally
ignored me, as though I hadn’t spoken at all, although I was sitting right by him.
A few minutes later, one of my fellow (male) comedians made the same
suggestion, and the producer leapt on it and said he loved it.” No laughing matter
ST says: “Women feel marginalised and stupid and in the edit are often seen
just laughing at the boys and not saying anything at all even though I know for a
fact in the recording they were clever.”
All right. Now we are getting incensed and imagining all sorts of torture
“I’m not shy at speaking up but even I, on those shows, am silenced. And I sit
there and think, ‘I could have been at home eating Chinese. What am I doing
sitting here?’ And that’s a shame.” It’s a shame? No, they should feel shame and
be shamed. Hmm. There are those torture images again…
No worries, as surely only women worry, post-Brexit promises women will
experience worse than being ‘marginalised’. A euphemism for lower pay, less
visible. Now isn’t that encouraging?
But clearly no worries with terminally endless coverage of Serena on the court
and Boris’ latest, Carrie Symonds: the “feisty”, “party-loving”, “flirty but ruthless”,
“party-loving blonde”, “sexy and ambitious”.
The media salivated as it portrayed her as a scheming predator with the
inevitable photos naturally. Her personal, did you get that? ‘personal’ photos of
her on holiday - prepare to be shocked – she’s wearing a bikini! And dear oh
dear, not on holiday??!! And - she starred in a “very risqué” play – a “satanic
sex cult” theatre production. Ready? As a drama student at Warwick University,
where she studied from 2006 to 2009. All together now: NOOOO!!! Not at
Hmm. And lest we forget Ex-Waity striding or was it sauntering down the catwalk
in her underwear to seduce Wills. Wasn’t condemned as - erm – ‘ambitious’
Cross My Heart and Hope to Die
The home secretary, Sajid Javid said the decision that imposing exclusion zones
around abortion facilities in England and Wales would not be a “proportionate
response” was made because protests only took place outside a “small number”
of abortion facilities and mostly involved people praying and handing out leaflets.
Assuming his obsessed with his eyes on the prize – oh you know what it is – OK
PM, Javid has taken the view that a view of mangled foetuses and other graphic
images is not a problem for women seeking abortions. Harassment of vulnerable
women? What’s the problem? What exactly is his problem? Let’s try:
callousness, insensitivity, unempathetic, stupidity, idiocy? All. He’s now born
again? All right, not that.
Crosses in hand, born again religious fanatics from the US came over, set up
protests – are they still here? – and created a more hysterical, ghoulish, nasty
procedure to protest. Now we have activities such as following people, handing
out model foetuses (oh that’s just lovely), blocking paths and actually assaulting
them. Oh right, and praying. Hmm. We must not forget god in this. Hmm. We
must not forget in the US they have murdered doctors who have performed
abortions. Irony? Oh right. They don’t do irony. They do prayer.
Now let’s see here. More than 2,500 responses to the Home Office - and to Sajid
Javid which included details…details of “upsetting examples of harassment and
the damaging impact this behaviour has had on individuals”.
And Sajid’s response: “I have therefore reached the conclusion that introducing
national buffer zones would not be a proportionate response, considering the
experiences of the majority of hospitals and clinics, and considering that the
majority of activities are more passive in nature.”
Proportionate response? Hmm. Perhaps Sajid needs an empirical experience
and needs to be assaulted with a model of a bloody foetus? Oh why not.
So what is Sajid going to do? He’s calling in the police for the passive
responses. Proportionate Saj? In areas with “heightened tensions”, police will
“continue to actively engage in community discussions”.
Last April, Ealing Council was the first to enforce an exclusion zone around a
clinic. It banned those rabid religious protestors from attacking visually, verbally,
physically within 100 metres of a Marie Stopes clinic. In the case of Ealing, the
zealots have been there since 1995 in all sorts of weather conditions. Still alive.
Ah. So it’s ‘to be or not to be’ left to councils then?
By Invitation Only
Still enjoying the summer weather? Then you surely haven’t given much thought
to Christmas. Yes. Christmas. Well, Selfridges had - opening their Christmas
shop so long ago, we missed it due to the extended heat wave. So, moving on to
Ah. Small children all eager with anticipation. Ah. Small children all desperately
disappointed. Oh dear. Sharing their secret wish list is ‘by invitation only’. No
Santa’s grotto then.
Their parents had to have received the invitation by email, inviting them to spend
£20 per child. They needed to be ‘on the list’ (secret?) naturally. Only those with
Harrods Rewards cards who were ‘on at least the second tier of membership’.
Now what does that mean? Well, it requires loyal Harrod shoppers (oh god) to
spend at least £2,000 a year. That’s how loyal you would have to be. Or really,
as Father Christmas would surely make note of (list – get it?), the rich and
famous. The not rich and famous were “incensed” and “devastated”. Really?
How long has their Santa been sitting on the throne in the grotto? Since 1955.
Oh you just know they must be regretting it took so long to single out the rich and
famous. But then, it was sold to the Qatari royal family for around £1.5bn in
2010. What don’t they own in Britain? Clue: Qatari investments include Barclays
Bank, the London Stock Exchange, J Sainsbury PLC, Songbird Estates, which
controls the Canary Wharf Group, and care home group Four Seasons. Did I
The Harrods’ motto is Omnia Omnibus Ubique. Translation from Latin? Where’s
Boris? "all things for all people, everywhere". Not an open invitation then. Just
Hope You Don’t Mind
All right. Forget Harrods. Moving on to John Lewis. Well, the John Lewis
Christmas that is. John Lewis famous for their nauseatingly sentimental ads.
All right. Yuck. It was announced that John Lewis’ profit margins are – erm – in
a major slump. Profits plunged by 99% in the first half. Blimey! Unprecedented.
So what do you do? Spend £10m on this year’s Christmas advert. Giving a gift
of £5 to Elton. Never knowingly underpaid.
Last year’s advert featured Moz the Monster. Remember that one? Just as well;
it proved to be unsuccessful. Uh oh.
And what will they get for their splashing the cash? Elton performing “Your
Song”. I know. Now you can’t make it stop can you? Sorry. No really.
Your song will be his song. It will be the soundtrack to a series of vignettes
spanning his lifetime of Christmases in two-minutes. Huh? Elton will appear
onscreen playing the song, your song…a repeat of Ellie Goulding's version
previously used on the John Lewis 2010 advert? The song reached number two
in the charts. So they are trying it out again. Clever. Really? The purpose is to
wipe M&S off Santa’s map.
I hope you don't mind. My gift is my song and this one's for you. Thanks. OK.