28 September 2014
Cat Out of the Bag

Oh Dave. Poor Dave. Has PM CallMeDave reversed the Puss and Boots fairy
tale? Tricky toff tries to impress – desperately.

While touring the Bloomberg news agency offices in New York, in the
conversation with the former New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, CMD
shared confidential moments.

Clearly being filmed, CMD said the referendum “should never have been that
close” and how the Queen “purred” when he told her Scotland had voted
against independence. CMD was caught on a microphone flaunting his intimate
knowledge. Oh dear Dave.

I don’t know about you - but ‘purred’? The Queen ‘purred’? Quite. Haven’t we all
seen the Queen purring when expressing her private opinions publicly. Really
now, Dave.

Dave said: "The definition of relief is being the Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom, is ringing up Her Majesty, the Queen and saying  ‘Your Majesty, it is
alright, it's OK'. That was something. She purred down the line." I’m cringing
here. "I've never heard someone so happy," he said. "It should never have
been that close."

"I've said I want to find these polling companies and I want to sue them for my
stomach ulcers because of what they put me through. It was very nervous
moments." Purrfect, Dave. Seriously, you know you have said the very same.

Imagined moment when Dave finally apologises to the Queen:

Q: “No need to crawl on our knees, Mr Cameron.”

D: “Oh Ma’am. Please call me Dave.”

Q: “Call me Dave. Do get up.”

D: “I’ll never forgive myself for my appalling hubris. Can you, Ma’am?”

Q: “I’ve been told that you can sing What’s New Pussycat.”

D: “If you say so, Ma’am.”

Q: “Hmmm. Perhaps it’s merely a matter of regardez ce que le chat a traîné.”

We know the Queen is fluent in French, but if you aren’t it’s: look what the cat  
dragged in.

The official statement after the referendum result: the Queen said she hoped
Scotland would come together in a "spirit of mutual respect and support" in
spite of "strong feelings and contrasting emotions. My family and I will do all we
can to help and support you in this important task.”

As we know, the Queen’s only remark on the referendum was: "think very
carefully". Clearly CallMeDave didn’t. But then, when does he.


Ah. Ridete alta voce (LOL) - they’re baaaaack. If you need a reason to live,
Plebs has returned. Thank you ITV2.

If you missed the first series (how could that have happened?) be assured the
show is absurdly amusing – all right, it can be actually laugh-out-loud funny.

It’s the casting really. Tom Rosenthal, Joel Fry, Ryan Sampson   are perfectly
brilliant, particularly Sampson as the slave, Grumio.
A Roman Holiday – sine
Gregory Peck.


Hysteria and hype surrounding the wedding of George – do I need to actually
add his surname? OK. Clooney. A marriage of convenience covered by the
press ad nauseum. No private, quiet, intimate coupling. A spectacle is surely
more convincing.

No doubt at all that he is a terribly charming, conscientious, green-leaning
actor, but seriously, have you ever – no ever – not heard a woman close to
hysteria at the very mention of his name? Spellbound, sighing, swooning.
Hmmm. Really? Lovely as he may be, fainting over brand-Clooney is sad, sad,
sad. Sheep, lemmings...you know the drill.

The wedding of the century lasting for days took over Venice – not the Las
Vegas version – although the two are now interchangeable. Venetians have
been fleeing the city en masse for ages – not because George bought out the
city of lagoons – but because it is simply no longer Venice; taken over by
tourists and given over to tourists. Trust me on this. It’s off my holiday list after
my last visit.

A circus or sideshow than a wedding? What do you reckon. Low-paid hotel
staff have been threatened (as you do) with £4m lawsuits if they even dare to
report to journalists or attempt a selfie, all luxury restaurants booked, no
motorboats available, 400 bouncers and security staff, eccetera.

The bride, Ms Alamuddin has 12 outfit changes with the help of Anna Wintour,
whom I might add, seems to favour short-sleeved floral-print dresses lately. No
need to say more I should think. No Versace then? Surely you’ve figured out
American Vogue has bought the exclusive rights. I know. I know. Proceeds go
to charity. How appropriate for this new humanitarian union.

George has actually said he has plans – political plans. Thus the perfect match:
notably high-profile human rights lawyer plus more famous than god charitable
actor equals – erm, what exactly? Surely GC will keep us informed. Senator...
governor... president?

If you have forgotten, which surely you haven’t if you are Clooney-obsessed,
George announced he would never marry. End of. Never. He gave women
everywhere false hope. George announced he would never sell his house in
Lake Como. End of. Never. He gave his group of Italian ‘mates’ there hope.
Hmmm. Just saying.... After all, he did.

Wake me when it’s over.


We are all familiar ad nauseum with celebrities cashing in whichever way they
can: magazines, store openings, adverts, but sometimes we just have to speak
out loud “Wait! Who the bloody hell was that?”

Well, if you’ve been wondering and worried about where Harvey Keitel has
been of late, panic no longer; he’s here to help when you need home
insurance. In Britain. In a black suit, wearing bow tie. Oh dear, oh dear. A bow

Harvey assures: “I think I should take you two gentlemen for a little ride.” He
should know. He was in
Mean Streets.

In the frequently, OK persistent, relentless MoneySuperMarket ad, Snoop Dogg
tells us who have been waiting with bated breath to hear him say: “Save money
and feel epic.” Huh? Epic. I suppose I’ll have to watch it rather than changing
the channel.

S Dogg’s only redeeming feature is that he apparently loves Coronation Street
enough to want a role on it. Now that’s epic.

Kevin Bacon selling us an unmentionable mobile phone network is possibly the
worst. “Ya wanna a slice of Kevin Bacon? (now why would we ever, ever?)
Well, here’s how ya get some.” I have been forced to run screaming from the
room – for the last two years. Epic torture.

If you’ve forgotten a few of the many others: the revered Clooney, Emeli
Sandé. No! Yes! £70,000 a week Liverpool forward Daniel Sturridge, Benedict
Cumberbatch will be flogging dog food. Gobsmacked? You should be. I know I
am – not to mention terribly disappointed BC.... Do we even know if he has a
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