|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
25 August 2018
|Cash in Hand
152 MPs want more cash. Cash for their ‘staff’. Cash due to the extra Brexit
workload. Ha. Ha. Oh look. There they are in the queue with their greedy hands
out, palms up. Oh they are an amusing lot…been inspired by Edinburgh fringe
jokes then? Not quite. Not funny.
‘Staff’ – oh right – euphemism for family members that is. I know, collective
outrage. And we thought after being caught out last time, it was a moot point.
Well, they’re back, or possibly did they ever leave? Doubting here. So, MPs are
still at it – added expenses and all that.
Brexit workload? What work exactly? Has anyone done anything? Let’s ask
Davey Davis. He was a Brexit expert at doing nothing. Getting more money to
continue the brilliant job they are doing with Brexit then?
Hmm. On top of expenses to run their offices, they take our cash to travel, have
second homes - they rent out first, and then those second jobs. Bless. So
It isn’t just Boris shouting “Showtime!” – showman Nige is back. Collective
groaning heard. Now we know Nige is taking to the streets. Oh dear. Not more
Nige. Not more Nige on the streets. We thought he had planned to stay abroad.
We heard you say it, Nige, and we believed you. HA!
Not handing over £1m then, Nige? Oh right. His personality will surely win over
all those brain-dead Brexiteers. Oh right. He has already announced on Sky
News that he alone is ready to “restart the Brexit campaign.” No job offer from
the Trump Baby, Nige? Not even a golf caddy job? Poor Nige. He tried so hard
to be indispensable with all the rabidly right-wing guys, didn’t he? Now Nige has
claimed that Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiator, “would like the IRA to
become active again”. Charming, Nige.
In a recent YouGov poll of more than 10,000 people, 50% said that in the event
of no-deal outcome in negotiations there should be a new vote. Don’t tell Nige.
Uh oh. Is it going to be big buses battling? Stand back. Boris has refused to join
Nige on his. Don’t tell Nige.
Only a few years back an American journalist complained because she had
missed ‘the pea souper’… you know that time warp that lands you in 1950s
London? Words fail. Clearly the woman doesn’t get out much, but neither do
most of the other ‘professionals’.
The New York Times, no longer respected, revered as it has a habit of – erm –
leaving out crucial facts for starters. So ordinarily any Brit could just say: ‘Do we
care?’ We do now.
Now, moving on from the ‘soup-er’…the NY Times headline: “Beyond porridge
and boiled mutton” Attention-grabbing, right? Wrong – in so many ways. The
culinary revolution is here. Have you been scarfing down a daily diet of yummy
boiled mutton in total ignorance?
“What was once a sallow and predictable dining experience is now salubrious
and full of surprises.” Ah, the man has a way with words: pompous, pretentious,
pedantic. Astonished, stupefied, dumbfounded – as it were - Robert Draper:
“This holds true not only in the high-rent zones of West End, Covent Garden and
Soho, but also — maybe even especially — in less commercialized districts to
the east, such as Shoreditch and Bethnal Green.” Ah, wasn’t travel writer Bob
adventurous discovering the new and improved “culinary flowering” in London?
Bob continues amusing himself with his brilliant articulation skills: “At last (used
to fast food consumption then, Bob?) came the entree: a grilled pork chop from
the market town of Tamworth, topped by slices of grilled peach. This was the
apotheosis of simplicity’s genius. I chewed slowly, reverently. The goat (huh?)
served as a tender vessel for the searing and complex spices which, this Tex-
Mex habitué will confess, were hotter than a two-dollar pistol (huh?). But lordy,
what a spiritual experience each bite was!” He does continue, but having to
suppress gag reflexes, best to stop here.
Well, Bob still had the nerve to accuse us of all eating boiled mutton and
porridge, or did he mean gruel, until ten years ago according to Bob. Clue: a bit
of irony here, Bob. Irony. Do you know what irony means, Bob? The selection
of porridges on offer are now brilliantly creative, innovative and clever, but we
aren’t going to tell you where to find them.
This ‘anglophile’ (ha) who hasn’t even been to London in ten years! regularly
writes for the New York Times Magazine section. Hint Bob: 72 Michelin-starred
restaurants in London. London actually holds the position as being the best in
the world for culinary offerings. The world, Bob.
At the very bottom of the tediously affected piece: “Correction: An earlier
version of this article misstated the name of a London neighbourhood. It is
Mayfair, not Mayfield.” Oh Bob, Bob, Bob. Mayfair – not “Mayfield”. Do you
need help spelling that? Let’s give it a go: M a y f a i r, Bob.
Perhaps Bob was eating in one of the ubiquitous American chains and
restaurants that gag our high streets and thought he was in America. Eh, Bob,
or should we simply refer to you as ‘fobdoodle’ or bespawler’ then – you know,
Old English, Bob?
Do we wonder if our cultured, classy (eye-rolling here) food critic, Bob, knows
about the latest Ben & Jerry’s ice cream innovation? Ice cream on a bagel? Ice
Ice Bagel as they are cleverly called – really – are being touted for breakfast.
Oh those Americans are so ingenious with creating crap food.
You will be offered two flavours. Birthday Bagel: Birthday Cake flavoured ice
cream topped with frosting, strawberry swirls, cake piece and sprinkles –
aughhhhh!!! Or Holey Cara-moley, a sweet and salty pretzel bagel with Double
Caramel Brownie ice cream, topped with salted caramel, chocolate brownie and
‘gooey’ caramel sauce. Feeling seriously nauseous or is that a pre-diabetic
symptom? Mutton topped with porridge is sounding delicious.
Evidently, Ben & Jerry's was actually, almost a bagel company. Really? Their
dream was to deliver cream cheese bagels to the New York Times office on a
Sunday morning. Ah. Don’t we love a bit of irony?
Stop! Shock, horror! American breakfast cereals now come with a caveat, and it
isn’t all that sugar: they are carcinogenic - due to the infamous Round Up
herbicide. Parents have recently been warned.
Have you ever eaten in America? Ignoring the gag-producing portions, ALL food
is chemically enhanced, hormone injected, full of preservatives, food dyes, ad
inf.– or in other words, toxic. Surely our Bob knows that Americans’ favourites
such as Mountain Dew and Fanta contain flame retardant…Pop Tarts contain
anti-freeze additive…’sloppy joe’ ingredients have been linked to seizures,
schizophrenia, birth defects, organ damage to list a few. The FDA tells
Americans these chemicals are safe – in small doses. And what is a small dose
then? Do they ever serve small portions in America? To children? The
companies decide if these dangerous ingredients need government approval.
Not salivating then? Oh, but surely Bob is.
Away with the Fairies
Ah, now here is a solution to life. Fairies. Of course, now why didn’t we think of
They are here to help - those researchers from Exeter University. They have
begun a study to examine spell books of the 15th to 17th-century. Spell books.
How exciting is that? There are instructions given on how to ‘summon’ and
‘conjure’ fairies. Holding our collective breaths here. As we should because
demons and other spirits are included. Uh oh. Not so benign and helpful then.
Here we thought demons were already among us.
A PHD student, Samuel Gillis Hogan said: “The study of the history of magic is a
rich vein for analysis and insight into the history of thought, religion medicine,
science and philosophy.” Magic? Really? Illusions, tricks? Nooo. And we thought
there was a method in the research madness…you know…fairy release.
And while considering fairies, possibly the household product producer, Procter
& Gamble, could use their help. Their Fairy washing-up liquid won’t be of any
assistance. P&G has applied to trademark those common acronyms including
“LOL” and “WTF”. No really.
And why would they want to use ‘what the fuck’? or ‘fuck my life’? Answer: in
order to attract younger consumers of course. No really.
Hmm. They want LOL regardless if there is confusion with their consumers:
‘laugh out loud’ or ‘lots of love’ then?
P&G board member Nelson Peltz has said that younger consumers did not want
“one size fits all” brands but products “they have an emotional attachment to”.
Seriously here: “emotional attachment” to cleaning products? So they actually
clean? And possibly clean while experiencing a ‘emotional moment’?
Youths, or should I say, ‘youts’ in the US are expected to increase their
spending annually to $1.4 trillion by 2020. How many bottles of Mr Clean can
they buy? Assuming they will want NBD – ‘no big deal’ clearly placed on the
label when they want to FML – ‘fuck my life’.