LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
21 March 2013
Cash in Hand

Drink up and count the pennies; George has told us we're 'an aspiration nation'
and he is giving us £1 for every 1,600 pints we swallow at the few pubs left. A
pity a price of a pint has already increased.

How exciting, how clever, how creative. A penny a pint. The Chancellor is not
as thick as we perceive him to be...not as dim, not as entitled, not as
ideologically driven. Not really.

George's Budget called for more severe austerity the same day Barclay's top
bankers received £40m in bonuses. I wonder if they will be getting pissed at the
pub to save their pennies.

The head of the investment banking division, Rich Ricci, yes that is his real
name, Bob Diamond's trusted ally, will receive an £18m bonus. He is the very
same who owns a successful race horse called FatCatinaHat, yes that is his
real name and Rich was photographed next to his Cheltenham winning horse
looking like a fat cat in a hat.

Barclay's chief executive, Antony Jenkins, the very same who called for
restraint on bankers' bonuses last month, received a £5.3m bonus. Budget Day
became Bonus Day. "We're all in it together" - clearly.

On the same day, EU lawmakers agreed to a bonus cap for bankers. The
criminals will be allowed one more bonus season before they will not be able to
claim more than their salaries from January 2014.

The few slick sweeteners George offered us comes into effect after the next
election when the toffs from Eton expect to win. Really.

Curiously the corporations are still celebrating their tax-free status. Quelle
surprise; George has been lying to us. The national debt will rise and rise and
rise over the next 5 years, borrowing a staggering £512bn. What a mess. With
no Plan B, even Ben Drew would do a better job.


Your Move

Ex-Waity and Wills might scrap the scrabble as they can't finish a game
because 'someone gets in a mood and slams the box shut'.  Oh dear.

I can't quite imagine them using words such as wyvern, jukskeis, assvogel - or
gauche - a reference to Ex-W's continuing embarrassing family.

Hello! magazine features her uncle, her mother's brother, tattooed millionaire
Gary Goldsmith of La Maison de Bang Bang fame, who has made more than a
few pennies with that exclusive deal. Ah La Maison de Bang Bang; the
Middleton's home away from home.

Now married to his fourth wife last year, a convicted fraudster, GG wants to
help raise the baby. He said: “Would I play a part in the future monarch’s
upbringing? Of course I would. And it’s another young baby growing up to play
with, which I’d love to be a part of.” So it must be true - drugs destroy the brain
or is it that stupidity is inherited.

GG takes credit for the re-established relationship of Ex-W and Wills after he
dumped her as well as Wills ability to mix tracks, Carole's online party ware
business, James' soft-porn cake-making business, and giving Ex-Waity her
first Gucci handbag - which he interprets as creating her passion for fashion.
What? Clearly his fashion repertoire is limited to bikinis.

GG also claimed Ex-W was “100 per cent behind me” after the drug sting
uncovered by
The News of the World. Ex-W must be so proud.

Bets on if GG will be invited to the baptism. Bets on if he passes out La Maison
de Bang Bang T-shirts.
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