|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
5 April 2015
|Calm Down Dear
Oh those women. Tut. Tut. The election debate: three women, four men debated
(that is debatable in itself) for two hours on ITV. The press coverage was/is all
about who won. Won what really? Wasn’t this debate about the agenda the
various parties would propose? Not really.
The four men took turns sweating, smirking, shouting, grimacing, gesturing
emphatically. The women were calm, composed, contained, logical. Poor PM
CallMeDave was unable to use his rather infamous condescending remark in
Parliament – you remember the one – “Calm down, dear” – obviously to a
female MP during a Commons exchange. How could we forget?
All right. The ‘who won’ question persists so the answer you know is – trumpets
here or rather bagpipes – Nicola Sturgeon. Actually, ITV’s news reader/journalist
Julie Etchingham won, Leanne Wood of Plaid Cymru won, even the Green’s
Natalie Bennett won – but less so.
Now if the women won, who lost? Of course was the men. Nige on his
outrageous HIV rant, Dave on his ‘I am so above all you desperate paupers”
smugness paradoxically looking ill at ease, Ed on his unceasing earnestness,
Nick on his strident shrillness.
What we learned, bear with me here or not, Dave can only repeat his ‘the mess
Labour left us’ mantra and is clearly suffering from a ‘mental-brain-fade’ moment
(Natalie Bennett’s not alone is she?) in understanding the very meaning of ‘the
future’, and his referencing his deceased disabled son continuously and the
NHS (shame on you, Dave. No really). Brits went online to find a way to vote for
Sturgeon. The men performed their party pieces. The women united against the
Tory planned draconian cuts.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Dave’s latest (be warned – pathetic) attempts to
win votes. Clue: inaudible laughing begins here. Dave does Heat magazine. Next
clue: WTF! Next: Kim. Next: WTF! Dave “boastfully claimed he is a 13th cousin’
of the Kardashians”. The man simply doesn’t experience embarrassment does
he? Do you reckon he’s even aware of Kim’s Big Bum?
Moving on from bums to babies, Dave does broody. CallMeDave was overheard
telling his wife SamCam they should have another baby. “Come on darling,
maybe another one?” You know he wasn’t whispering this was he? CallMe
‘where’re the cameras?’ Dave was pictured cooing over a new-born baby held
by SamCam at a recent spin opportunity.
After sympathising with the couple about sleepless nights he said: “Whenever I
see a small baby I feel broody, but don't worry, nothing is going to happen on
that front.” Pass the sick bag.
Next Dave does baby lambs. CallMeDave was photographed feeding and kissing
a little lamb. Oh now don’t say it was because it was Easter please. He doubtless
ate lamb for Easter dinner.
Next Dave did God. CallMeDave told us that “Britain is still a Christian country”
when he and SamCam attended Easter church services. Pandering to Ukip
Next Dave sent SamCam out to do a ‘revealing’ interview with the Daily Mail. Do
you still have that sick bag to hand? You’ll need it.
Are we to assume Dave is taking a momentary break from using his poor son as
a vote winning ploy? Let’s do ‘shame on you, Dave’ again. Oh let’s do it again.
He deserves it.
So. The latest losers. Nicola has been caught out slagging off Ed via a secret
memo containing details of a private conversation between the First Minister and
Sylvie Bermann, the French Ambassador on February 26. She supposedly
confided that Ed’s “not prime minister material”. Mon dieu! Nige denies claims of
a ‘cover-up’ for censoring a Ukip-commissioned poll that suggests he is on
course for a humiliating personal defeat in the General Election. Nige could
finish third. Mein Gott. Oh Ed. He left 10 pages of his private crib sheets in the
Salford ITV dressing room after the debate revealing how he planned to ‘relish
the chance to show who I am’ and to ‘use the people at home’, privately billing
himself as the ‘happy warrior’. Where are his minders??? My God.
And now for the real news. Prince Charles has asked, presumably not in a
‘black spider’ memo, that a new pub under construction in his perfect-village-
perfect-life Poundbury be named after Camilla.
I am not joking. We know Camilla loves a drink and a fag, but doesn’t this seem
a bit – unexpected? A bit? OK, it won’t be called ‘Camilla’s’, it will be The
Duchess of Cornwall Inn. Poundbury was opened in 1993 is now home to 2,500.
Camilla must be so proud. Camilla’s cocktails for two?