|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
7 October 2017
|"The British Dream"
Not again: “You couldn’t make this up.” Oh dear. A P45 prank, words caught in
her throat due to a coughing fit, letters falling off the party slogan - first it was the
F for ‘f*** off’ or was it for ‘farce’ – a moment for the metaphor - followed by the
E for ‘embarrassing’. Yes, it was an embarrassing farce; Theresa’s convention
Where to start? The dream she has for us? Theresa’s love of everything
American? GM, toxic food, fracking, The Don of course, inspired by The
American Dream? She tried to sell us “The British Dream” which failed utterly -
as did The American Dream. Hopefully she won’t do: “Make Britain great again.”
Sad, sympathetic, self-sabotage, symbolic? Your choice. It was simply a mishap
mess. ‘Excruciating’ is the word most used, while naturally ‘courageous’ by
conservatives. Fewer than 100 out of 316 Tory MPs attended the funeral event.
So, where were they then? Hiding? The Tory membership has an average age
of 71. Now how reassuring is that? What’s the average life expectancy in the
UK? Just saying, just saying. No youth vote et al…
The Plot Thickens
And if the convention wasn’t humiliating enough, Tory plotters are planning her
demise behind her back – as you do, with Grant Shapps leading the
conspirators. Theresa has dug her kitten heels in and is holding on with grasping
fingernails. So, if 15% of Tory MPs - a total of 48 express their lack of
confidence in Theresa - she’s toast. Or she’ll be making toast – you know – it’s
“a girl’s job”.
And that “British Dream” of Theresa’s? “Where it doesn't matter where you are
from or who your parents are". Well, apparently it does. Schools in England
have been collecting data demanding to see copies of passports, telling parents
to confirm their child's immigration status. A bit of a nightmare wouldn’t you say?
Details of 1,500 children a month have been sent to the Home Office for
immigration enforcement. And we know where that leads. The end of that British
Beyond the Fringe, Nearly
Leaving Theresa alone coughing for a minute, there is et tu Boris…always Boris,
“dead bodies” Boris’ main speech to the conference had one passing reference
to the North Korean crisis, the ongoing crisis in Spain, not a single mention of
Syria. So current, eh Boris? But at a fringe later our favourite homage to The
Donald, mop-head, bird nest, whatever made a ‘joke’: “Libya could be the next
Dubai once they clear the dead bodies away”. Bloody dead bodies are getting
in the way of businesses investing in the country after its bloody civil war. Are
we meant to laugh? It was a joke, right Boris? Wrong.
A few more quotes by the ever clever Tories: Speaking at a fringe event, Ian
Duncan Smith said “Unmarried men often grow into ‘dysfunctional’ human
beings and become ‘a problem’ for society…cohabiting couples have ‘inherently
unstable’ relationships in comparison to those who married.” And what reality
does IDS live in exactly? Oh. The committed Catholic reality. Should we imagine
the conversations he and Rees-Mogg have? Oh let’s not. All that dogma can be
Mikey, you remember Michael Grove of course, who at a fringe event proudly
told all those anxious to know, that sales of unpierced pigs’ ears to China are an
answer to our future financial fears. Who knew? Brexit will increase the UK’s
pigs’ ears export. Now how exciting is that? Evidently “unpierced pigs’ ears are
worth more.” Really? Not obvious then? Mikey was “making sure that we can
produce more for our home market.” No, not necessary to mention sow’s ears
and silk purses… Mikey did that for us, but let’s not even go there.
Another Tory MP, Craig Mackinlay, told a fringe event that unemployed young
people should be prepared to “get on your bikes” to take a job alongside
“gorgeous EU women”, a job on a farm. British youngsters needed to show the
same motivation as low-skilled European workers. So it’s not money then? OK.
The guy is an idiot. He continued: “Why wouldn’t a youngster…without a
job…work for a farm for the summer with loads of gorgeous EU women?” Well,
‘youngsters’…women…huh? Really? OK. He’s beyond an idiot - smarmy suits.
“I have no idea what the purpose of this conference is,” one ex Downing Street
adviser. Even before the debacle, one former minister said, "there is a smell of
decay". Another said, that it is "hopeless, but we are resigned to the nightmare".
Cabinet ministers fret that “Theresa May simply doesn't have the ideas or
imagination to reboot either her leadership or their party.” Quelle surprise.
No Georgie Boy comments – yet? After wishing to see Theresa cut up in pieces
in his freezer, what is there to say? Hmmm. But let’s not underestimate Georgie.
There may be time yet.
The world watched and took note. As an example, the French newspaper,
Libération’s view of Theresa’s debacle: “It was a catastrophe, a long nightmare
worthy of an episode of the famous series The Thick of It, a hilarious satire on
the internal dysfunction of a fictional British government”. Putain! Quel désastre!
“I don't want a cabinet of 'yes men'” Theresa told BBC Radio 4′s Today
programme: “Weak leadership is wanting to have a team around you that are
only yes men. Strong leadership is actually having a team around you of
different voices.” Perhaps it’s time for a rethink, Theresa….
What did our favourite 19th century MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg say at the
conference? “This is Magna Carta, it’s the Burgesses coming at parliament, it’s
the great reform bill, it’s the bill of rights, it’s Waterloo, it’s Agincourt, it’s Crécy.
We win all of these things,” clearly enchanted with British triumphs back to the
That aside, Rees-Mogg, is earning approximately £500 an hour from Somerset
Capital Management, which holds a £5m investment in Indonesian company
Kalbe Farma, which Rees-Mogg co-founded in 2007 producing, distributing a pill
used to treat stomach ulcers and widely used in the country to trigger
terminations, often in clinics. Got that? Around 2 million illegal abortions take
place in the south-east Asia region every year using that drug. Oh goodness
And what has Rees-Mogg said about his position held in regards to abortion?
“Life begins at the point of conception” …abortion is “morally indefensible…Life
is sacrosanct.” Millionaire R-M told The Mirror that he was quite happy to accept
that £500 an hour and would not rescind his investment: “It would be wrong to
pretend that I like it but the world is not always what you want it to be.” Hmmm.
Well, more like you would want it to be, R-M. Kerching….
Take that Uber
Forget Uber, Fashade Agboola has a better idea. The mother has created a taxi
service with only female drivers for collecting children and women. Yes, men will
be allowed. The best bit? Children as young as two can be picked up from
nursery. Most firms will not take children under 16 unaccompanied. Regulated
by TfL, CRB checked and health and safety trained. So obvious. Ms Agboola
runs a charity that helps women with health issues. Why has this taken so long?
It launches this month. Look for Annisa Cars, mums.