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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
I Can't Breathe in This - 16 August 2006
I can’t breathe in this: rubble, coffin, burka. Is it just a matter of time before we find ourselves -
buried under our beds… dead… burka-ed in Britain?
Time to have a little think here after the thwarted attempt to explode 10-12 airplanes in the skies
over the US and the UK. Which would be preferable? Death - or no Eastenders, dancing, mobile
phones, books, newspapers, nail varnish, white shoes, teachers, pets, Pilates? Hmmm. Death or
living death? The subjugated stay-at-home-ideal-woman forced to withdraw from the world -
forced to order from catalogues? “Ohhh. Lovely. This frilly, feathery pink thing on page 12. Think
I’ll order a matching thong. Ohhhh. I do so love a bright red lace camisole with black satin
ribbons. Ohhh…ohhh.”
I find myself a bit mystified here. Although quite certain when Britain becomes a Sharia state as
promised, everything will be clearly explained for me. Interviews with women have revealed that
from birth little girls are indoctrinated with the idea that they are so intoxicating, persuasively
sexual that they must be protected from men by being virtually imprisoned for their own
protection. Or. Interviews with men have revealed that they are so forcefully, menacingly sexual
that all women must be protected from these rabid creatures. And then there is the intense
interest in young boys. Dear, dear. I am confused.
During this kill and be killed - burka or nun’s habit - fundamentalist vs fundamentalist period of
repeated history, curiously enough we have fashion for the first time in years. Dressed to die
rather than dressed to kill? This autumn, it’s ‘choose your persona’ while you can. Wednesday.
What will I be today? A man in a suit or a thirteen year old boy…a shiny object via metallics and
lamé…a cuddly-woolly-chunky knitted teddy bear in tights…très rich in beaded-embellished
ready-to-wear, a wild African animal (yes, yet again), layered like Heidi in the melting Alps
adding an extra 10-15 pounds? At least those dressed in traditional jilbabs need only slap a post-
it note on their backs: ‘I AM wearing the new black.’ We’ve been force-fed that brown, grey,
white, dark blue, black have all been ‘the new black’; but fashion gurus have never warmed to
light blue. It could be said that light blue only really looks good on red-heads, but when burka-ed
from head to toe, strained eyes peering out through the niqab grid, who would know? Kaftans
have been big this summer, the beloved Biba of 60’s peace and love is back and rumour has it
that ‘power dressing’ is about to overwhelm us. Irony anyone?
So what will it be? Dissolving from the heat with a bag over your head? Stoned to death for
laughing out loud? Rickets? But no fear of skin cancer.Or a vintage black taffeta Dior cocktail
dress? Unfortunately the choice may not be yours to make. The pro-neocon, Prime Minister-in-
waiting, Home Secretary, John Reid informs us that four sinister plots have been curtailed since
7/7. MI5 is currently investigating at least 1,200 suspects considered actively engaged in terror-
related activities. Think I’ll stay in for a bit. Where’s my hooded sweatshirt? Where’s that take-
away menu? Mmm chicken vindaloo….
I can’t breathe in this: rubble, coffin, burka. Is it just a matter of time before we find ourselves -
buried under our beds… dead… burka-ed in Britain?
Time to have a little think here after the thwarted attempt to explode 10-12 airplanes in the skies
over the US and the UK. Which would be preferable? Death - or no Eastenders, dancing, mobile
phones, books, newspapers, nail varnish, white shoes, teachers, pets, Pilates? Hmmm. Death or
living death? The subjugated stay-at-home-ideal-woman forced to withdraw from the world -
forced to order from catalogues? “Ohhh. Lovely. This frilly, feathery pink thing on page 12. Think
I’ll order a matching thong. Ohhhh. I do so love a bright red lace camisole with black satin
ribbons. Ohhh…ohhh.”
I find myself a bit mystified here. Although quite certain when Britain becomes a Sharia state as
promised, everything will be clearly explained for me. Interviews with women have revealed that
from birth little girls are indoctrinated with the idea that they are so intoxicating, persuasively
sexual that they must be protected from men by being virtually imprisoned for their own
protection. Or. Interviews with men have revealed that they are so forcefully, menacingly sexual
that all women must be protected from these rabid creatures. And then there is the intense
interest in young boys. Dear, dear. I am confused.
During this kill and be killed - burka or nun’s habit - fundamentalist vs fundamentalist period of
repeated history, curiously enough we have fashion for the first time in years. Dressed to die
rather than dressed to kill? This autumn, it’s ‘choose your persona’ while you can. Wednesday.
What will I be today? A man in a suit or a thirteen year old boy…a shiny object via metallics and
lamé…a cuddly-woolly-chunky knitted teddy bear in tights…très rich in beaded-embellished
ready-to-wear, a wild African animal (yes, yet again), layered like Heidi in the melting Alps
adding an extra 10-15 pounds? At least those dressed in traditional jilbabs need only slap a post-
it note on their backs: ‘I AM wearing the new black.’ We’ve been force-fed that brown, grey,
white, dark blue, black have all been ‘the new black’; but fashion gurus have never warmed to
light blue. It could be said that light blue only really looks good on red-heads, but when burka-ed
from head to toe, strained eyes peering out through the niqab grid, who would know? Kaftans
have been big this summer, the beloved Biba of 60’s peace and love is back and rumour has it
that ‘power dressing’ is about to overwhelm us. Irony anyone?
So what will it be? Dissolving from the heat with a bag over your head? Stoned to death for
laughing out loud? Rickets? But no fear of skin cancer.Or a vintage black taffeta Dior cocktail
dress? Unfortunately the choice may not be yours to make. The pro-neocon, Prime Minister-in-
waiting, Home Secretary, John Reid informs us that four sinister plots have been curtailed since
7/7. MI5 is currently investigating at least 1,200 suspects considered actively engaged in terror-
related activities. Think I’ll stay in for a bit. Where’s my hooded sweatshirt? Where’s that take-
away menu? Mmm chicken vindaloo….
