Letters From London
Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics
Breast is Not Always Best - 13 November 2009

Is this breast-awareness week? Breast-exhibitionist week more like.

Photo opportunity addicted Nicole Kidman has seemingly added and then flattened two small
birthday balloons when she secured her place on the red carpet at the Country Music Awards
with her husband, Keith Urban, who was giving her and her party favours ‘an admiring glance’.
Well, actually, he looks more glazed, dazed and confused.  “Am I actually married to this breast-
inflated woman who appears in the press every two days? Am I drinking again? I’ll only know
after I read her latest interview.”

Katie Price is taking her new & improved back to the jungle. She has returned to her winning
persona, Jordon, famous and infamous for those OTT breasts willingly revealed to anyone
breathing. “I’ve entered
I’m a Celebrity again so that my children can be proud of them, I mean
me. I’m taking them and the kids to help me shop for the tiniest bikini I can find. Hmmm. Maybe I’
ll have a bit of an increase a few hours before I go into the jungle and take my kit off….”

Amy Winehouse is clearly visiting from some drug-filled        reality. She has discovered a new
obsession: showing off two recently added grapefruits to her repertoire. “Oi guys! I’m over here,
holding my front door open with my new breasts. If you didn’t get a good shot, no worries, I’ll be
back with them every ten minutes. Promise.”

The PM’s wife, Sarah Browne, hit the red carpet for the Cosmopolitan Awards Women of the
Year Awards in a ‘way too much information’ kind of dress. Instead she appeared in a revealing
gauze bodice draped over pointing to the floor breasts; not a good look. This new tactic to
improve Gordon’s image or perhaps to take the attention off him as
The Sun newspaper is
performing death by a thousand cuts on him daily is clearly transparent. “No no. I’m not trying to
out do Carla or Michelle. I’m merely showing the real me. Gordon. Gordon. Is this the real me?”

But hope is at hand. Scientists have announced that women will be able to grow their own
breasts with the help of stem cells. Why do I think that Jordon won’t be the first in the queue?