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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Breast-Blitz - 18 April 2008
Oh joy. Breasts served up with finger-lickin’ chilli dogs and buffalo wings. Yo macho men! More
American ‘culture’ on its way.
Beware. Hooters, the chain restaurant where patrons are served rubbish American ‘cuisine’ by
tight T-shirt-ed and tiny short-ed in-your-face, on-your-plate breast-ed waitresses is coming to a
high street near you.
A creepy Christian, Robert Brooks, built a $1bn a year empire of 435 breast-featured
restaurants across the US and 23 other countries. Dead now. Suppress the cheer-leading-
cheers; his company is planning to add 41 sites to the UK. One already exists in Nottingham.
Hopefully it will all go tits-up.
In Scotland, deputy leader of the Scottish Labour Party, Cathy Jamieson, views the impending
exploitative breast-blitz as a “degrading spectacle … violence against women is a big problem in
Scotland and these types of establishments do nothing to promote equality of woman in the
workplace.” Not to mention the 20% less in salary and the concrete glass ceiling in the real
world, plus the British police called every 12 seconds regarding domestic violence.
The curious bit about the smarmy crap-food-emporium may just be the cultural difference.
American porn is based on Barbie and the Bible. That girl next door. Thanks particularly to the
pyjama-clad-pathetic Hugh (is he still alive or embalmed?) Hefner. His sexual repression lead him
to lusciously lust after the girl-next-door-fuck. British porn is based on having a laugh. It’s all a bit
of a laugh, innit? Although the results may be the same – misogyny - the style is decidedly
different.
Puritanism is the patina that covers American life. Thus the Hooters’ cheer-leader types must not
wear their remarkably-tight shorts so short “that the buttocks show” – god forbid - no teasingly
pierced tongues, no titillating tattoos, no unseemly bra straps. Yes to clean hair, big breasts and
big mouth – as in big smile. Smiles and string bikini contests are de rigueur. Bless. Do you
suppose their day starts with a patriotic prayer session – like the White House? “We pray our
enormous fake hooters bring Hooters lots and lots of money…and keep men in power. God
willing.”
American families eat and ogle and are enticed into buying Hooters’ baby bibs to give their little
children a proper start in life. The Hooters’ logo or possibly ‘Future Hooter’ or ‘Breast is Best’ or
‘Born for Porn’. Ah. The American family values bonding experience.
With more than 75% of little girls in the UK aspiring to be lap dancers, it makes sense to get
them on the proper track early on. The behemoth supermarket Tesco is thrilled to assist
Hooters. They are offering a padded bra for little girls as young as seven. Spokesman speaks:
“Designed to cover up, not flatter.” Cover what? Tesco also offered poll-dancing kits for children
two years ago. Did they leer - I mean learn nothing?
“Mummy, oh Mummy. For my 7th birthday I want a ‘bust-booster’ bra and for my 8th I want
breasts. Really big breasts. Can I? Can I? When I grow up, I want to be a Hooters’ waitress or
a lap dancer. Mummy. What’s the difference?”
And where would the world be if women weren’t treated as sexual objects or without mandatory
misogyny? A hell of a lot happier and women not beaten, strangled, bludgeoned, stoned to
death, sold into the sex trade, repeatedly raped, the recipient of honour killings, but hey – yo - it’
s all such a hoot, innit?
Oh joy. Breasts served up with finger-lickin’ chilli dogs and buffalo wings. Yo macho men! More
American ‘culture’ on its way.
Beware. Hooters, the chain restaurant where patrons are served rubbish American ‘cuisine’ by
tight T-shirt-ed and tiny short-ed in-your-face, on-your-plate breast-ed waitresses is coming to a
high street near you.
A creepy Christian, Robert Brooks, built a $1bn a year empire of 435 breast-featured
restaurants across the US and 23 other countries. Dead now. Suppress the cheer-leading-
cheers; his company is planning to add 41 sites to the UK. One already exists in Nottingham.
Hopefully it will all go tits-up.
In Scotland, deputy leader of the Scottish Labour Party, Cathy Jamieson, views the impending
exploitative breast-blitz as a “degrading spectacle … violence against women is a big problem in
Scotland and these types of establishments do nothing to promote equality of woman in the
workplace.” Not to mention the 20% less in salary and the concrete glass ceiling in the real
world, plus the British police called every 12 seconds regarding domestic violence.
The curious bit about the smarmy crap-food-emporium may just be the cultural difference.
American porn is based on Barbie and the Bible. That girl next door. Thanks particularly to the
pyjama-clad-pathetic Hugh (is he still alive or embalmed?) Hefner. His sexual repression lead him
to lusciously lust after the girl-next-door-fuck. British porn is based on having a laugh. It’s all a bit
of a laugh, innit? Although the results may be the same – misogyny - the style is decidedly
different.
Puritanism is the patina that covers American life. Thus the Hooters’ cheer-leader types must not
wear their remarkably-tight shorts so short “that the buttocks show” – god forbid - no teasingly
pierced tongues, no titillating tattoos, no unseemly bra straps. Yes to clean hair, big breasts and
big mouth – as in big smile. Smiles and string bikini contests are de rigueur. Bless. Do you
suppose their day starts with a patriotic prayer session – like the White House? “We pray our
enormous fake hooters bring Hooters lots and lots of money…and keep men in power. God
willing.”
American families eat and ogle and are enticed into buying Hooters’ baby bibs to give their little
children a proper start in life. The Hooters’ logo or possibly ‘Future Hooter’ or ‘Breast is Best’ or
‘Born for Porn’. Ah. The American family values bonding experience.
With more than 75% of little girls in the UK aspiring to be lap dancers, it makes sense to get
them on the proper track early on. The behemoth supermarket Tesco is thrilled to assist
Hooters. They are offering a padded bra for little girls as young as seven. Spokesman speaks:
“Designed to cover up, not flatter.” Cover what? Tesco also offered poll-dancing kits for children
two years ago. Did they leer - I mean learn nothing?
“Mummy, oh Mummy. For my 7th birthday I want a ‘bust-booster’ bra and for my 8th I want
breasts. Really big breasts. Can I? Can I? When I grow up, I want to be a Hooters’ waitress or
a lap dancer. Mummy. What’s the difference?”
And where would the world be if women weren’t treated as sexual objects or without mandatory
misogyny? A hell of a lot happier and women not beaten, strangled, bludgeoned, stoned to
death, sold into the sex trade, repeatedly raped, the recipient of honour killings, but hey – yo - it’
s all such a hoot, innit?
