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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Brave New World - 1 August 2007
If only all those owners of floating beige leather sofas had slipped on a flower petal pre record
breaking flooding, they would be £1.5 million richer; sod the insurance claims.
City banker, yes, all the financial rewards that implies, sued a woman who had her flower shop
at Marylebone Train Station and we all paid. Mr Piccolo slipped and landed on his back…much
like an overturned turtle or a beached whale. Mr Piccolo, who looked like he never passed a
Kentucky Fried Chicken without popping in for a few buckets, hurt his back and couldn’t walk, I
mean work again…at a bank…where surely all City bankers have their own executive Italian
designer chairs. Lucky Mr P, unlucky florist supporting her family who looks to lose her shop.
American litigious culture has arrived all banners and whistles like a long lost relative delivering
suitcases full of cash. Without prior notice, greed was good, avarice advantageous.
A surgeon was paying attention; he was compensated after he slipped on custard while on duty
at a hospital with £38,928 and trifle for everyone. No mention if he was operating.
A self-made-suing-millionaire was a deputy headmistress who sued because of her ‘emotional
distress’ when the school failed to replace a chair that farted – which it did when she sat down.
No mention of her weight.
Teachers also set an exemplary example. A female history teacher took umbrage when forced
to play Professor Higgins in Pygmalion, and pocketed £16,000. No mention of any follow up
behavioural therapy.
A primary schoolteacher injured her hip after falling off a toilet designed for children under 11. No
mention of what she was doing using the children’s loo.
Students have the new path to an increase of ready money. A 15 year old boy laid hands on an
extra £5,000 when his feelings were ‘hurt’ after being expelled for allegedly taking a knife to
school. No mention of how he had planned to use it.
A schoolgirl added £5,700 to her presumably pink piggybank when a school gate collapsed
under her ample size. She had been trying to break into the school illegally when she hurt herself.
No mention if she was going in search of sweets or puddings.
Dogs have rights to dosh as well. Muffin, a dachshund, slipped a disk and was temporarily
paralysed in his attempt to retrieve a supermarket leaflet from his owner’s letter box. No mention
if the leaflet featured doggie treats for Muffin to spend his £2,826 paid out by the supermarket.
Being banged up doesn’t prevent prisoners from cashing in; the law is on their side. £8m has
been paid out, 15 times last year’s criminal haul: £750,000 to drug addicts who were forced to
go cold turkey…£80,000 to 3 illegal immigrants who were not deported quickly…£2.8m to a
prisoner who failed in his suicide bid. No mention of how they spent the ready money while still
inside, although it surely added to their popularity.
A shoplifter won compensation after she fell downstairs while running from the scene of a crime
– hers. A bin man sued his council after dead badger fell out of a bag and startled him. Bless.
Another man sued his housing association after jumping out a window, slipping and injuring his
arm when his girlfriend returned home unexpectedly while he was entertaining another woman.
Utter madness.
The military does not fare so well. Without informing the soldiers, the MoD decided that those
who had served in Bosnia would not receive compensation for any lost limbs or any other vital
and useful body parts. If they want what they surely deserve, they would have had to serve in
Northern Ireland…which is now a mute point with all military withdrawal of British troops. But, an
RAF secretary was awarded £484,000 plus for a mere injured thumb…30 times more than any
comparable injury a soldier would receive. Repetitive strain occurred while typing at work, not
dodging the bullets, the bombs, the Americans. The strain made her depressed; implying typing
was her life. Unlucky soldiers could expect £28,750 for loss of an eye…unless they were injured
in the former Yugoslavia.
It seems that Brits haven’t been paying proper attention. When Americans sue, they do it with
entitlement and that means demanding at least $10m settlements for starters. No fools they. I’m
off to my local Notting Hill florist with a lawyer…just to have a ‘look’.
If only all those owners of floating beige leather sofas had slipped on a flower petal pre record
breaking flooding, they would be £1.5 million richer; sod the insurance claims.
City banker, yes, all the financial rewards that implies, sued a woman who had her flower shop
at Marylebone Train Station and we all paid. Mr Piccolo slipped and landed on his back…much
like an overturned turtle or a beached whale. Mr Piccolo, who looked like he never passed a
Kentucky Fried Chicken without popping in for a few buckets, hurt his back and couldn’t walk, I
mean work again…at a bank…where surely all City bankers have their own executive Italian
designer chairs. Lucky Mr P, unlucky florist supporting her family who looks to lose her shop.
American litigious culture has arrived all banners and whistles like a long lost relative delivering
suitcases full of cash. Without prior notice, greed was good, avarice advantageous.
A surgeon was paying attention; he was compensated after he slipped on custard while on duty
at a hospital with £38,928 and trifle for everyone. No mention if he was operating.
A self-made-suing-millionaire was a deputy headmistress who sued because of her ‘emotional
distress’ when the school failed to replace a chair that farted – which it did when she sat down.
No mention of her weight.
Teachers also set an exemplary example. A female history teacher took umbrage when forced
to play Professor Higgins in Pygmalion, and pocketed £16,000. No mention of any follow up
behavioural therapy.
A primary schoolteacher injured her hip after falling off a toilet designed for children under 11. No
mention of what she was doing using the children’s loo.
Students have the new path to an increase of ready money. A 15 year old boy laid hands on an
extra £5,000 when his feelings were ‘hurt’ after being expelled for allegedly taking a knife to
school. No mention of how he had planned to use it.
A schoolgirl added £5,700 to her presumably pink piggybank when a school gate collapsed
under her ample size. She had been trying to break into the school illegally when she hurt herself.
No mention if she was going in search of sweets or puddings.
Dogs have rights to dosh as well. Muffin, a dachshund, slipped a disk and was temporarily
paralysed in his attempt to retrieve a supermarket leaflet from his owner’s letter box. No mention
if the leaflet featured doggie treats for Muffin to spend his £2,826 paid out by the supermarket.
Being banged up doesn’t prevent prisoners from cashing in; the law is on their side. £8m has
been paid out, 15 times last year’s criminal haul: £750,000 to drug addicts who were forced to
go cold turkey…£80,000 to 3 illegal immigrants who were not deported quickly…£2.8m to a
prisoner who failed in his suicide bid. No mention of how they spent the ready money while still
inside, although it surely added to their popularity.
A shoplifter won compensation after she fell downstairs while running from the scene of a crime
– hers. A bin man sued his council after dead badger fell out of a bag and startled him. Bless.
Another man sued his housing association after jumping out a window, slipping and injuring his
arm when his girlfriend returned home unexpectedly while he was entertaining another woman.
Utter madness.
The military does not fare so well. Without informing the soldiers, the MoD decided that those
who had served in Bosnia would not receive compensation for any lost limbs or any other vital
and useful body parts. If they want what they surely deserve, they would have had to serve in
Northern Ireland…which is now a mute point with all military withdrawal of British troops. But, an
RAF secretary was awarded £484,000 plus for a mere injured thumb…30 times more than any
comparable injury a soldier would receive. Repetitive strain occurred while typing at work, not
dodging the bullets, the bombs, the Americans. The strain made her depressed; implying typing
was her life. Unlucky soldiers could expect £28,750 for loss of an eye…unless they were injured
in the former Yugoslavia.
It seems that Brits haven’t been paying proper attention. When Americans sue, they do it with
entitlement and that means demanding at least $10m settlements for starters. No fools they. I’m
off to my local Notting Hill florist with a lawyer…just to have a ‘look’.
