|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
13 May 2017
Jezza has renamed himself – well, not exactly aka, a new label, code-name, tag,
handle, sobriquet, nickname, whatever - telling BuzzFeed he is happy to be
known as "Monsieur Zen." Huh? Monsieur? Huh? Zen? Who made that decision
Clearly not inspired by the despicable Lynton, who is busy branding Theresa:
THERESA MAY’S TEAM in massive upper case letters and ‘Conservative’ in
tiny, tiny nearly illegible lower case. Oh Lynton, the branding of Theresa. Not
transparent at all, but then, branding isn’t meant to be is it? Ah, the cult of
personality. Well, not exactly. What personality? But you get the point. Evidently
when she was home secretary she never once deviated, made a suggestion,
questioned the Tory position on anything. Hmmmm. Clearly someone is feeding
the Tory poster ‘girl’ her rhetoric and how could we resist saying she is devoid
of any ideas, inspiration, opinions – oh fill in the blank. Blank - sorry…couldn’t
Meanwhile the Conservatives sent out a press release branding Corbyn and
shadow chancellor John McDonnell as the "Marx brothers". Chico, Harpo,
Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo? Oh, not that Marx Brothers.
Theresa joins the Marxists with Ed Milliband’s policy on capping utility over-
pricing. Georgie-Boy, Boris and CallMeDave aka Chico, Harpo (love the hair)
Zeppo? all taunted those ‘silly’ Labour fools. CMD mocked: “There’s one thing
governments can’t control and that is the international wholesale price of gas. I
know we’d like to live in some sort of Marxist universe, where you can control all
these things…” Oh, your bills won’t be affected – i.e. go down.
In an attempt to humanise Mother Theresa (remember that some MPs call her –
oh god – Mummy), she and husband Philip, a consultant who works for a
company that deals with one trillion dollars on tax avoidance schemes (is it
necessary to say anything here? I thought not, but isn’t it really annoying?) were
wheeled out on prime time telly, on the One Show. The One Show on the BBC I
must add. No £999.00 leather trousers. We know she has refused to appear a
head-to-head debate with Corbyn don’t we?
So let’s review beginning with body language. Hosts Matt and Alex sat on a sofa
next to each other. Literally. Their arms touched. And Phil and Theresa? A third
person could have sat between them. Well, a thin person, but nevertheless a
third body. She leaned away most of the time. Perhaps she needed extra space
to perform that laugh-bounce she does. You know the one. No expert
necessary. I have to say, she looked so – peculiar on that sofa. Like a big doll.
Or was it a big rabbit in headlights. None of that laugh-bouncing she does could
eliminate her paralysed ‘strong and stable’ posture.
Theresa was asked about her f***ing shoes – again. What is comparable for
Phil then? Oh Phil likes ties and um jackets. Fun, funny, charming, charismatic,
witty, endearing. Not for a nanosecond. They do come across as cringe-
makingly twee, self-satisfied, terminally boring and you know, a bit dim.
Then there are “boys and girl jobs”. Are there? Hmmm. What’s the date? 2017?
Oh right. Bins are for boys. This alone is a reason not to vote for the power-
mad, strong and stable rhetoric spouting, fast and loose with the truth, secretive
Theresa. Or should I refer to her as Philip’s wife. Boys and girls don’t you know.
Phil talked about ‘”tea on the table at six”. Give me a minute to open the window
and scream: “What’s the bloody year? 1954?” Then I will take the bins out.
Actually, the recycle bag.
Let’s return to one of the many reasons Theresa is beyond irritating. Clue: it’s
that red-lipstick lower lip she drops every 1-2 seconds. Does it remind you of
Gordon Brown and his constant jaw-drop? Look away now.
The other Philip in her life? Hammond that is. Goodness me. There’s that knife
out again. Georgie-Boy and soon PH? Watch your back, Phil. Ouch!
Sly as a Fox
Teflon Theresa loves fox hunting. A poll in December 2016 found 84 per cent of
the peasants support a ban on this blood ‘sport’. She is anxious to – erm –
ensure the rural vote for the Tories. Quelle surprise. Those moneyed
communities will love her for it; she has reassured us of her support for hunting.
The hunting lobby believes a sizeable Tory majority on June 8 offers a real
chance to repeal the Hunting Act. Theresa has voted twice against the ban.
A leaked private email, sent to hunt masters at the end of April, the chairman of
the Council of Hunting Associations, Lord Mancroft claimed he has received
private reassurances that Theresa will give a manifesto pledge to hold a free vote
on repealing the hunting ban. Hunt masters are secretly mobilising support for
bloody bits of furry foxes: “This is the chance we have been waiting for” – for
the last 12 years. Shame he didn’t hold his breath.
And now for foxes. A fox is a member of the dog family – a little irony here? The
number of urban foxes, not those happy rural ones that require immediate
slaughtering, has quadrupled over the last 20 years. Bournemouth has the most.
Strange. It’s not that much fun. They want to be near us. They “warm to the
presence of humans.” See? Foxes do happy families. Mum, Dad and the kids.
The pups are totally dependent on their parents; they are born blind, deaf and
unable to walk. So when their foxhound relatives leave the kids orphaned, it isn’t
It’s the best way to keep those clever foxes under control. Right. So much more
efficient when the fact that hunts have been caught capturing and raising foxes
purely so they can then be slaughtered. We’re talking little fox cubs here raised
in a ‘fox factory’.
With 84 per cent not thrilled foxes generally disembowelled first before bits are
ripped off. And these people will still vote for the fox-shredding loving Theresa?
Of course they will.
Oh, and Lord Mancroft? He hit the headlines in 2008 when he described NHS
nurses who had treated him in hospital as “grubby…drunken and promiscuous”.
Says it – well, he said it – all, doesn’t it?
OK. What are you eating? Right now. What are you popping in your mouth?
Three chocolate biscuits? All at once? An icing covered doughnut? Two? Three?
Well, stop it. In 2006 52,000, in 2016 520,000 - new admissions for obesity
ambulances needed to carry 70 stone! This country is fat! Very fat!
NHS trusts are having to buy “supersize” ambulances to cope with growing
numbers of obese patients. Ambulance trusts have spent at least £1.3 million on
hundreds of reinforced vehicles.
For example: South East Coast Ambulance has spent £562,000 on three
ambulances reinforced to take all those increasingly obese people since 2010.
Think about it. Bigger stretchers. You didn’t consider that did you? So before
you finish off that tenth chocolate bar of the night – just don’t do it.
Do you have your special second outfit required for Pippa Middleton’s wedding
to James Matthews? Surely you know the rules.
Evidently Pippa has asked every one of her 350 guests to comply with one of
her demands. They have been asked to bring a second outfit to change into for
the wedding reception. We know bride’s usually change into a second dress for
the evening but the entire 350 guests of the wedding party? The specifically
chosen guests surely know how to attend a wedding, particularly one that is so –
erm – gauche. Spoiler alert: it’s not a royal wedding regardless of how much
Pippa may wish it to be. But she can still act royal can’t she?
‘No ring, no bring’ – another rule. Exception: Harry and his Pippa’s separated-at-
birth plus one. No name required. After much pressure? Oh surely not. Evidently
Carole and Pippa fear chaos. Chaos? Really? Attention-grabbing really. And, no
sibling revenge either. Ex-Waity is not going to be allowed to upstage Pippa.
“Does my hair look good in this?”
The £250,000 wedding will take place in the Middleton’s Berkshire hometown.
Pippa and husband to be have reportedly purchased their rings from Cartier
don't you know; Pippa’s added up to around £15,500. But her engagement ring
– oh dear – £200,000. Bless.
Oh must we say the obvious we must have said ad nauseum: you can’t buy
class, regardless of how much you splash the cash. Sorry Pippa, James, Ex-
Waity, Mum and Dad. Rather vulgar tasteless really. Come on now. You
know it is.
The couple have been attending Christian pre-marital counselling in the run up to
their wedding. Five sessions with the vicar so far. These have covered
communication, sex, family, coping with conflict and money. Wait. Are we in a
time warp? They do live together. I’m just not getting this really. Who’s going to
take out the bins? Oh. They can be mentored by Phil and Theresa can’t they?
Money? James is rich enough to support a whole town of refugees for life. Did I
say I’m just not getting this? Do you think they are putting all this in writing? Will
there be charts, reward and punishments? Otherwise what’s the point? “On the
12th of May you said I could always talk first.” “And you said I could spend as
much money as I wanted to.”