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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
I'm Not Bovered - 4 January 2008
My New Year’s resolution will please everyone; I am not going to get annoyed.
I am not going to get annoyed at or with:
Gordon Brown’s ‘jaw-jutting’ punctuating his every other word. Sign language is a definite option.
Tedious tennis darling Andy Murray’s temper displays or his fiendishly foul facial expressions,
curiously exhibited when he wins, or his anti-England tirades. Notice, it’s ‘Murray Mound’ not
‘Murray Mountain’ at Wimbledon.
Creatively challenged Stella McCartney and Jade Jagger’s practiced ‘fuck-me-now’ pouts in
every photograph ever printed…although JJ seems to have stopped wearing her trademark
diaphanous dresses cut to the waist and up to the thigh; her two pre-pubescent children are
wearing them with the accompanying makeup and high heels. Ring Social Services before they
pen “My Mother Made Me a Slag before I Was Twelve”.
Kate “he’s-lucky-to-have-me” middling Middleton being touted as the new and improved Diana.
Charisma? What charisma? Beauty? What beauty? Personality, wit, charm? What personality,
wit, charm? All that blown-dry hair tossing is quite boring. Get a job.
And while on the subject of wanna-be-queens and their hair - no matter how persistently the
press pressured the lowly peasants to embrace ‘Queen’ Camilla as a Diana clone, “Camilla
possesses Princess Diana’s style”, not everyone in the realm has acquiesced …as yet.
Outrageous 45p per minute phone charges to listen to endless recordings, especially at Sky
where there is a fool-proof fleecing system: put the desperate/delirious customer on hold in a
queue, then on hold, then disconnect them so that they have to ring back and start all over again
– and don’t forget to lay on an impenetrable Scottish accent and speak inaudibly. Free phone. A
novel concept.
Tory leader David Cameron. Period. His passionate (in)sincerity that leaves an oil slick wherever
he goes. Another new focus group pleasing hairstyle, Dave?
The higher echelon of every enormously successful corporation/company that rewards itself
annual bonuses in the millions while simultaneously increasing prices and decreasing services be
it oil, gas, banking, rail travel, airlines, etc. Perhaps their salaries should be commensurate. Just
a thought.
Victoria Beckham’s spherical breasts on show. A full length mirror wouldn’t go a miss here,
please.
That Britain is becoming Little America with a tidal wave of religiosity, vacuity, materialism,
murder, rubbish television, crap cinema, Monsanto and their GM foods, rip-off/scamming Whole
Foods empire, the take over of the historically lovely Regent Street by Calvin Klein, Banana
Republic, Brooks Brothers, Abercrombie & Fitch, Timberland, Talbots, Apple, Esprit. Countless
Starbucks and Gaps weren’t enough?
Elle Macpherson and Thadie Newton displaying their charms at the opening of an envelope, a
door, a drawer, a jar. Who is looking after the kids, Mum?
Another in your face, in the paper pointless personality, Tara Palmer-Tompkinson flaunting her
over-developed arms and shoulders and her over-inflated ego. “I may be dim, but I’m posh and
you’re not.”
All the uber-rich and their tedious lifestyles of more, more, more pour moi, moi, moi: yachts, jets,
cars, manors, flats, houses, caviar, staff and staff of staff, luxury goods and services…shopping
and showing off their raison d’etre…sad…living in an alternative reality. P h i l a n t h r o p y. Try
it.
The total disregard for pedestrians. This isn’t Rome.
Paris, Britney, Amy/Blake, Heather/Paul, Kate, Sienna, Guy Pelly, each and every one of Rod
Stewart’s offspring, James Blunt’s very existence, P Diddy and his sobriquets, Lohan and her
mother, is-she-isn’t-she Nicole…all of “I’ve never had anything done” Hollywood…all those
manipulated, alleged talent and reality shows…all tiresome tosh.
The fact that US and UK merchandise, services are equal in monetary value. $10 = £10. No, no,
no. We all know it should be $20 = £10. That’s why Brits shop there. So unfair that we pay twice
as much for that little stripy $4.99 H & M vest, that $35 red plaid Gap shirt. But why stop there?
Perfume, books plus we hand over 17.8% VAT and postage. Why? I require an explanation to
prevent me from getting seriously annoyed. It’s just wrong.
We are three days into 2008 and everything is getting me annoyed. Corruption, carnage and
mass murder in Africa, the ceaseless screaming coverage of the US dodgy election, PC
obsessed local councils, an energy bill increase of at least 27.8%, Virgin Media ineptitude…it’s
hopeless. I’m indignant, irritable, outraged…ready to rant and rave all through 2008.
My New Year’s resolution will please everyone; I am not going to get annoyed.
I am not going to get annoyed at or with:
Gordon Brown’s ‘jaw-jutting’ punctuating his every other word. Sign language is a definite option.
Tedious tennis darling Andy Murray’s temper displays or his fiendishly foul facial expressions,
curiously exhibited when he wins, or his anti-England tirades. Notice, it’s ‘Murray Mound’ not
‘Murray Mountain’ at Wimbledon.
Creatively challenged Stella McCartney and Jade Jagger’s practiced ‘fuck-me-now’ pouts in
every photograph ever printed…although JJ seems to have stopped wearing her trademark
diaphanous dresses cut to the waist and up to the thigh; her two pre-pubescent children are
wearing them with the accompanying makeup and high heels. Ring Social Services before they
pen “My Mother Made Me a Slag before I Was Twelve”.
Kate “he’s-lucky-to-have-me” middling Middleton being touted as the new and improved Diana.
Charisma? What charisma? Beauty? What beauty? Personality, wit, charm? What personality,
wit, charm? All that blown-dry hair tossing is quite boring. Get a job.
And while on the subject of wanna-be-queens and their hair - no matter how persistently the
press pressured the lowly peasants to embrace ‘Queen’ Camilla as a Diana clone, “Camilla
possesses Princess Diana’s style”, not everyone in the realm has acquiesced …as yet.
Outrageous 45p per minute phone charges to listen to endless recordings, especially at Sky
where there is a fool-proof fleecing system: put the desperate/delirious customer on hold in a
queue, then on hold, then disconnect them so that they have to ring back and start all over again
– and don’t forget to lay on an impenetrable Scottish accent and speak inaudibly. Free phone. A
novel concept.
Tory leader David Cameron. Period. His passionate (in)sincerity that leaves an oil slick wherever
he goes. Another new focus group pleasing hairstyle, Dave?
The higher echelon of every enormously successful corporation/company that rewards itself
annual bonuses in the millions while simultaneously increasing prices and decreasing services be
it oil, gas, banking, rail travel, airlines, etc. Perhaps their salaries should be commensurate. Just
a thought.
Victoria Beckham’s spherical breasts on show. A full length mirror wouldn’t go a miss here,
please.
That Britain is becoming Little America with a tidal wave of religiosity, vacuity, materialism,
murder, rubbish television, crap cinema, Monsanto and their GM foods, rip-off/scamming Whole
Foods empire, the take over of the historically lovely Regent Street by Calvin Klein, Banana
Republic, Brooks Brothers, Abercrombie & Fitch, Timberland, Talbots, Apple, Esprit. Countless
Starbucks and Gaps weren’t enough?
Elle Macpherson and Thadie Newton displaying their charms at the opening of an envelope, a
door, a drawer, a jar. Who is looking after the kids, Mum?
Another in your face, in the paper pointless personality, Tara Palmer-Tompkinson flaunting her
over-developed arms and shoulders and her over-inflated ego. “I may be dim, but I’m posh and
you’re not.”
All the uber-rich and their tedious lifestyles of more, more, more pour moi, moi, moi: yachts, jets,
cars, manors, flats, houses, caviar, staff and staff of staff, luxury goods and services…shopping
and showing off their raison d’etre…sad…living in an alternative reality. P h i l a n t h r o p y. Try
it.
The total disregard for pedestrians. This isn’t Rome.
Paris, Britney, Amy/Blake, Heather/Paul, Kate, Sienna, Guy Pelly, each and every one of Rod
Stewart’s offspring, James Blunt’s very existence, P Diddy and his sobriquets, Lohan and her
mother, is-she-isn’t-she Nicole…all of “I’ve never had anything done” Hollywood…all those
manipulated, alleged talent and reality shows…all tiresome tosh.
The fact that US and UK merchandise, services are equal in monetary value. $10 = £10. No, no,
no. We all know it should be $20 = £10. That’s why Brits shop there. So unfair that we pay twice
as much for that little stripy $4.99 H & M vest, that $35 red plaid Gap shirt. But why stop there?
Perfume, books plus we hand over 17.8% VAT and postage. Why? I require an explanation to
prevent me from getting seriously annoyed. It’s just wrong.
We are three days into 2008 and everything is getting me annoyed. Corruption, carnage and
mass murder in Africa, the ceaseless screaming coverage of the US dodgy election, PC
obsessed local councils, an energy bill increase of at least 27.8%, Virgin Media ineptitude…it’s
hopeless. I’m indignant, irritable, outraged…ready to rant and rave all through 2008.
