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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
I'm Your Man - 3 May 2008
It’s Boris, it’s Ken, it’s Boris, it’s Ken…Blimey! It’s bad-blonde-boisterous Boris …at long last.
After months of name-calling, father-naming, pejorative racists portrayals and endless
speculation regarding the Boris ‘n Ken Show, Red Ken has been thrown out with yesterday’s
whiskey bottles. No more millions missing, alcopops for breakfast, back-room deals, cronyism,
lies… maybe.
This has been one of the closest fought elections. Boris was ahead, Ken was ahead, Boris was
ahead; it could have given you a headache. Everyone had an opinion and/or a pole. It was love
or loathe.
Ken is power-mad, Boris is taking the mick. Ken is a deluded dictator enamoured of all things
(and countries) Marxist…Boris is puerile and clownish. Ken is corrupt…Boris is bereft of ideas.
Ken is anti-semitic…Boris is racist. Ken’s immediate staff spent our money on holidays…Boris
called in equally vacuous David-chameleon-Cameron to give him gravitas. Ken allowed £3 million
of London Development Agency money to go missing via his race advisor…platinum blonde Boris
claimed universal genealogy: Catholic, Muslim, Eastern European, Western European…Turkish.
Ken is an elitist ‘man of the people’…Boris is a pompous posh snob. Ken is scary…Boris is a
buffoon.
I wouldn’t trust either one of them with my cat; Boris would swing it around the room and Ken
would sell it to a Chinese fur company.
Broken promises: fares, congestion charges, not to stand for a third term, and the worst – only a
“ghastly dehumanised moron” would scrap the (beloved) Routemaster bus. And Ken did. We’ll
never forgive him.
According to the papers, Ken has invested our £12m in a European satellite launch. If it isn’t a
joke, Ken should be the first on board an orbiting satellite.
Lest we forget the 2012 Olympic farce - when we’ll have to sell one of our kidneys to pay for a
loaf of bread considering spiralling costs and major mismanagement. Thanks, Ken.
Boris ‘doesn’t do details’ and is an unseasoned politician and will have to delegate everything
from who orders the loo paper for City Hall to returning the bendy buses to Germany. It should
be fun to watch if the ‘nasty party’ can make further gains. So far, they have stuffed a sock in
Boris’ mouth: no speaking, no drinking for the last few months. Oh those PR guys…Australian
Lynton Crosby to be specific.
Now that the Boris ‘n Ken Show is over we move into a more subtle area: the Tory control of the
mischievous, uncontrollable, gaff-prone Boris. To keep him reigned in, possibly Chameleon Dave
will take to sleeping on Boris’ sofa. “ Boris! Did I just hear ice cubes! Put that glass down! I can’t
be your carer day and night. I have work to do, you mop-headed muppet.”
With the overall elections being the worst for Labour in 40 years, the irony is that the Labour
party has taken all the self-serving policies of the Conservatives to its un-pumping heart and they
have been knocked flat in the ring; people voted for Conservative ‘values’ by voting for the
original source rather than Labour… perhaps it’s simple: we all hate Gordon. At least we’ll be
entertained by the affable Boris, even if he isn’t quite sure where London is.
It’s Boris, it’s Ken, it’s Boris, it’s Ken…Blimey! It’s bad-blonde-boisterous Boris …at long last.
After months of name-calling, father-naming, pejorative racists portrayals and endless
speculation regarding the Boris ‘n Ken Show, Red Ken has been thrown out with yesterday’s
whiskey bottles. No more millions missing, alcopops for breakfast, back-room deals, cronyism,
lies… maybe.
This has been one of the closest fought elections. Boris was ahead, Ken was ahead, Boris was
ahead; it could have given you a headache. Everyone had an opinion and/or a pole. It was love
or loathe.
Ken is power-mad, Boris is taking the mick. Ken is a deluded dictator enamoured of all things
(and countries) Marxist…Boris is puerile and clownish. Ken is corrupt…Boris is bereft of ideas.
Ken is anti-semitic…Boris is racist. Ken’s immediate staff spent our money on holidays…Boris
called in equally vacuous David-chameleon-Cameron to give him gravitas. Ken allowed £3 million
of London Development Agency money to go missing via his race advisor…platinum blonde Boris
claimed universal genealogy: Catholic, Muslim, Eastern European, Western European…Turkish.
Ken is an elitist ‘man of the people’…Boris is a pompous posh snob. Ken is scary…Boris is a
buffoon.
I wouldn’t trust either one of them with my cat; Boris would swing it around the room and Ken
would sell it to a Chinese fur company.
Broken promises: fares, congestion charges, not to stand for a third term, and the worst – only a
“ghastly dehumanised moron” would scrap the (beloved) Routemaster bus. And Ken did. We’ll
never forgive him.
According to the papers, Ken has invested our £12m in a European satellite launch. If it isn’t a
joke, Ken should be the first on board an orbiting satellite.
Lest we forget the 2012 Olympic farce - when we’ll have to sell one of our kidneys to pay for a
loaf of bread considering spiralling costs and major mismanagement. Thanks, Ken.
Boris ‘doesn’t do details’ and is an unseasoned politician and will have to delegate everything
from who orders the loo paper for City Hall to returning the bendy buses to Germany. It should
be fun to watch if the ‘nasty party’ can make further gains. So far, they have stuffed a sock in
Boris’ mouth: no speaking, no drinking for the last few months. Oh those PR guys…Australian
Lynton Crosby to be specific.
Now that the Boris ‘n Ken Show is over we move into a more subtle area: the Tory control of the
mischievous, uncontrollable, gaff-prone Boris. To keep him reigned in, possibly Chameleon Dave
will take to sleeping on Boris’ sofa. “ Boris! Did I just hear ice cubes! Put that glass down! I can’t
be your carer day and night. I have work to do, you mop-headed muppet.”
With the overall elections being the worst for Labour in 40 years, the irony is that the Labour
party has taken all the self-serving policies of the Conservatives to its un-pumping heart and they
have been knocked flat in the ring; people voted for Conservative ‘values’ by voting for the
original source rather than Labour… perhaps it’s simple: we all hate Gordon. At least we’ll be
entertained by the affable Boris, even if he isn’t quite sure where London is.
