LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
28 June 2014
Bitesize

PM CallMeDave is a humanitarian supreme. He hired tabloid hacker, Andy
Coulson, to “give him a second chance”. Oh Dave. Dear Dave. A barking dog
never bites?

Well, I’ll bite. CMD, you should bite your tongue as you’ve bitten off more than
you can chew. The judge at the Old Bailey legal hearing in the phone hacking
trial, Mr Justice Saunders, rebuked unprincipled, incompetent, disloyal, lying
Dave for intentionally issuing an apology for CMD’s ‘ill-timed’ statement while
the jury was still deliberating, thus nearly jeopardised the trial. Oh Dave. Quite
naughty Dave.

When CMD played the PR game unreservedly, wholeheartedly, he bit the hand
that fed him. Millionaires chancellor Georgie Boy and CallMeDave needed to
look like the rest of the British peasants and were desperate to find a person
who could show them the way - and the way through to election victory. But
more desperately, they needed to court maniacal media-controlling Murdoch.
Dave’s revered and trusted former top adviser Coulson worked miracles. A
double pay-off, as it were.

And on the subject of pay-offs, there’s Rebekah. Ah yes. The former chief
executive of News International, previous editor of Murdoch’s wretched tabloids,
The Sun and the News of the World, Rebekah Brooks found not-guilty (not
innocent mind you), who refused to answer questions regarding her ex-lover.
Rebekah who now has a pay-off from Murdoch £16 million. Ah.

The jury couldn’t find any evidence connecting her directly to her lover of six
years, Coulson.  Ah bless. Murdoch’s favourite as well as married to Dave’s ex-
school mate, Charlie, Eton you know - who happened to dump incriminating
material – you remember – the lesbian videos (really?) et al to protect Rebekah
from embarrassement. What a clever lot. Not. But how money talks. Murdoch
opened his bottomless wallet and Rebekah knew nothing. LOL.

Dave basically said: “Bite me” in that smug self-regarding way he has. Dave
exonerated himself: “I had behaved correctly throughout.” Dave expressed his
“extreme sorrow” (who knew he was capable – we knew he was culpable) for
employing the suburban sacrificial fall-guy Coulson who just wasn’t ‘one of
them’ was he? Not to the manor born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Come
on, Dave. Bite your lip.

The question is: will Dave bite the dust or bite the bullet. Will Dave’s actions
come back to bite him? Don’t place your bets. Surely he’ll continue to be
CallMeTeflonDave.

Dave was warned publically and privately not to hire Coulson as his spin doctor
– over and over and over again. Dave actually refused to vet Coulson or
consider the widely-held reputation of Murdoch’s redtop tabloid. Quelle surprise.

To take the bite out, Dave should be held accountable. But won’t be naturally.
Meanwhile, the Murdoch family’s net wealth has tripled from £4.4bn to £7.9bn.
Someone get Suarez! Bite his head off.


Bites and Pieces

Liverpool striker, Uruguayan Luis Suarez proved he is up for the job when he
bit Italy’s defender Giorgio Chiellini in the World Cup game on 24 June. Not a
good move, surely. World Cup, world stage.

Suarez has bitten three players in previous games. PSV's Otman Bakkal in
November 2010 and Chelsea's Branislav Ivanović in April 2013.

Suarez told reporters: "These situations happen on the pitch, we were both just
inside the area, he struck me in the chest with his shoulder and he hit me in the
eye as well." Once bitten, twice shy is not applicable.

Speaking from Suarez's hometown in north-west Uruguay, Lila Piriz Da Rosa
said: "Everyone knows what they've done to Luis. They wanted him out of the
World Cup. Perfect, they did it. They chucked him out of there like a dog." Not
then ‘man bites dog’. Gambling website 888.com has dropped him. Adidas is
considering it. Liverpool is said to be ready to sell him on. Barcelona wants him
for £80m.

With a bite mark on his shoulder, Giorgio Chiellini described the punishment
handed down by Fifa’s disciplinary committee as “excessive”. A £66,000 fine,
an unprecedented nine-match international ban plus a four month ban from
football. Chiellini  said he had "no feelings of joy, revenge or anger against
Suarez". He added that his thoughts were with him during a "very difficult
period". Liverpool players say Suarez is the sweetest person, neither a dog nor
a vampire.


Have a Bite

The possibly dim Wills, okay, probably dim, decided early on that the
Middletons would be his ‘normal’ nouveau riche family. What a poor choice.
Poor judgment. Poor William. Poor deluded, deceived, duped, drawn-in
William. Barely ‘poor’, but you get the point.

As we know, the Middletons en mass, and I do mean all of them, have taken
absolute advantage of his generosity, naivety and need for normality.

Wills invited his quasi-parents to celebrate their 34th wedding anniversary at his
10 bedroom, Anmer Hall in Norfolk for a BBQ. As you do – in Australia. “Now
don’t burn the meat, Mike.” “No worries, Wills. Carole’s keeping her vigilant eye
on me.”

In 2010 in his engagement interview Wills said. “Kate’s got a very, very close
family...I get on really well with them and I’m very lucky that they’ve been so
supportive...Mike and Carole have been really sort of loving and caring and
really fun and have been really welcoming towards me (really, really) so I’ve felt
really a part of the family and I hope that Kate’s felt the same with my family.”
No. Really.

Their future son-in-heir must have thought: ‘really welcoming like the royal son
they never had’. Oops; competition on the castle scene. ‘Erotic’ bakery
business owner, cross-dressing brother to publicity-mad Pippa, James has
taken to seeing himself as George V with the addition of perfectly maintained
facial hair. Funny that. Not quite. Horribly pretentious and perfectly humiliating.
Simply cringe-making. Look away now. Augh. I wonder what stratagem Mummy-
Carole has primed to put into operation.

Is that her foot-in-the-door of Kensington Palace, Will’s and Ex-W’s 22 room
£4.2m ‘pied-à-terre’? Pity Wills will never see the nouveau-royals-by-stealth for
what they are, even when they move into one of the royal residences we are
paying for via the back door, even if they collectively bit him on the bum, even if
Ex-Waity enthusiastically flashed hers. Sad.

Ex-W is having two kitchens assembled at the palace. A ‘private’ one for the
‘family’. Hmmmm. And now a third kitchen at the bolthole BBQ residence in
Norfolk. Hmmmm.

Oh look. It’s Carole&Mike in the Royal Box at Wimbledon. Wake up Mike.
Wave! Oh dear. Is that Carole continuously baring her teeth? Where are the
party hats?

Oh look. Are those new matching signet rings for George-James and Pippa?
Wave!
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