 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Beckham Banks It - 15 January 2007
Dear, dear me. This Brand Beckham relocation to La La Land is certainly proving to be a look-
away-quickly affair.
When David Beckham was interviewed on US morning TV he was obviously being instructed to
put on and keep on a convincing all American happy face. To his credit, he did manage a
deer/headlights grimace…unsettling at the very least, Faustian at the very worst.
“Let’s hear it now. Let’s hear you saaaaaaay it. Com’ on David. Say ‘Hi’!” To whom specifically?
Hi Americans? Hi Mom?
“What are you gonna doooooo with all that money?” Two seemingly adult TV presenters,
guffawing unseemly, rollicking and rocking in their desk chairs, gesturing wildly. Surely he was
thrilled to be via satellite as they may have both jumped up and turned him on his head for loose
change. “What arrrrrrre you goin’ to spend it all on?” A stand-in perhaps? Subtlety noted.
Poor Dave had to repeat over and over how it ‘wasn’t about the money’. Well Dave - it is ‘Dave’
now is it not? - what the hell was it about?... that now infamous £128 million deal, the £50,000 a
week deal, the £10,000 a working day deal to join LA Galaxy. Wait. Wasn’t that his PA with a
calculator in her hand off camera? One UK-based American gossip columnist advised that “to be
successful in the US, he’s going to have to smile; Americans love a smile”. A smile and a ‘Hi’.
What could be easier? “Hi! I’m Victoria’s husband!” Can we look forward to the Americanised
‘Vicki’? Americans prefer a nickname upon introduction.
The Beckhams’ new best friends, Tom ‘n Katie, have been aiding and abetting their move.
According to sources, VB has been planning this move in detail for four months, certainly before
Real Madrid realised their DVD bags were packed and shipped. Some think it is only a matter of
minutes after Dave’s plane hits the tarmac before the ‘meet ‘n greet Dave ’n Vicki’ show will be a
feature at those LA Scientology recruitment meetings; J Lo will be leading the way. LA is home
to half a million Brits, second only to Mexicans. So many future cult members…so little time.
Victoria said recently: 'I've spoken to Tom about Scientology. They do what they do and they're
cool.' I see now: dim and dimmer, dumb and dumber….
Simon Fuller, worth a staggering £2.5 billion himself and increasing moment by moment, famed
for creating The Spice Girls and Pop Idol of course, now represents Dave as well as Vicki. SF
has said: 'I always wanted to create history with the biggest sports deal ever and David
Beckham is the only athlete in the world who could have made this happen. His decision to move
to Galaxy and play in Major League Soccer is the beginning of probably his greatest and most
important adventure of all.' My eyes are glazing over from hyperbole.
His current plans for Vicki are to include a role in Desperate Housewives (no comment
necessary) as well as presenting a fashion series for a major US network… in other words…not
cable. Vicki is bent (sorry) on creating an acting career or recreating her singing career. She has
a scheme to sing a duet with J Lo at The Beckhams’ coming out party where she plans to
introduce the Beckham Brand to all of America (not that they are invited mind you) via a lavish
£500,000 party replete with butlers and Beefeaters – not the real ones – the LA version. She is
busy as a veritable bee – or as hysterical as a hungry hyena – designing sunglasses, handbags,
her own line of skinny jeans. Many predict Brand Beckham could eventually be worth a billion
dollars. The question is just how soon can we expect that….
Unfortunately this could all end in tears. Firstly, the reported arrangement is that Victoria has six
months to achieve her goals and after that it’s time for the promised daughter David really yearns
for. Secondly, it has been reported that the American press has already taken a dislike to VB.
They don’t like pouts; the US is a happy, happy place. They have taken to referring to her as an
alien, and she has only been there a week. I predict a riot….
More telling is the fact that a friend of one of the LA Galaxy WAGs said: 'There's already
resentment among the girls towards Victoria because of how much more David will be making
than their husbands… (100 times more than the average league player - with the lowest Galaxy
player earning £5,650 a year…watch your back, Vicki)…. If she thinks she's going to walk in
here like the Queen of England she's going to find herself in for a very rude awakening.' And here
I thought Helen Mirren had that Oscar winning role. Another friend said: “One famous friend in
particular is telling her they must present themselves as British aristocrats if they want to survive.
American TV audiences love all that stuff.” Lest we forget; most of Diana’s dresses stand stuffed
and cordoned off in the living rooms of middle America. Hopefully they won’t be tempted to slip
into American vernacular and intersperse every other word with ‘yeah…ya know…it’s like…sort a’
…or even the now infamous YO!
I’m actually sorry to see the demise of bend it like Beckham for England and for football; from
this moment in time, it’s simply bank it like Beckham.
Dear, dear me. This Brand Beckham relocation to La La Land is certainly proving to be a look-
away-quickly affair.
When David Beckham was interviewed on US morning TV he was obviously being instructed to
put on and keep on a convincing all American happy face. To his credit, he did manage a
deer/headlights grimace…unsettling at the very least, Faustian at the very worst.
“Let’s hear it now. Let’s hear you saaaaaaay it. Com’ on David. Say ‘Hi’!” To whom specifically?
Hi Americans? Hi Mom?
“What are you gonna doooooo with all that money?” Two seemingly adult TV presenters,
guffawing unseemly, rollicking and rocking in their desk chairs, gesturing wildly. Surely he was
thrilled to be via satellite as they may have both jumped up and turned him on his head for loose
change. “What arrrrrrre you goin’ to spend it all on?” A stand-in perhaps? Subtlety noted.
Poor Dave had to repeat over and over how it ‘wasn’t about the money’. Well Dave - it is ‘Dave’
now is it not? - what the hell was it about?... that now infamous £128 million deal, the £50,000 a
week deal, the £10,000 a working day deal to join LA Galaxy. Wait. Wasn’t that his PA with a
calculator in her hand off camera? One UK-based American gossip columnist advised that “to be
successful in the US, he’s going to have to smile; Americans love a smile”. A smile and a ‘Hi’.
What could be easier? “Hi! I’m Victoria’s husband!” Can we look forward to the Americanised
‘Vicki’? Americans prefer a nickname upon introduction.
The Beckhams’ new best friends, Tom ‘n Katie, have been aiding and abetting their move.
According to sources, VB has been planning this move in detail for four months, certainly before
Real Madrid realised their DVD bags were packed and shipped. Some think it is only a matter of
minutes after Dave’s plane hits the tarmac before the ‘meet ‘n greet Dave ’n Vicki’ show will be a
feature at those LA Scientology recruitment meetings; J Lo will be leading the way. LA is home
to half a million Brits, second only to Mexicans. So many future cult members…so little time.
Victoria said recently: 'I've spoken to Tom about Scientology. They do what they do and they're
cool.' I see now: dim and dimmer, dumb and dumber….
Simon Fuller, worth a staggering £2.5 billion himself and increasing moment by moment, famed
for creating The Spice Girls and Pop Idol of course, now represents Dave as well as Vicki. SF
has said: 'I always wanted to create history with the biggest sports deal ever and David
Beckham is the only athlete in the world who could have made this happen. His decision to move
to Galaxy and play in Major League Soccer is the beginning of probably his greatest and most
important adventure of all.' My eyes are glazing over from hyperbole.
His current plans for Vicki are to include a role in Desperate Housewives (no comment
necessary) as well as presenting a fashion series for a major US network… in other words…not
cable. Vicki is bent (sorry) on creating an acting career or recreating her singing career. She has
a scheme to sing a duet with J Lo at The Beckhams’ coming out party where she plans to
introduce the Beckham Brand to all of America (not that they are invited mind you) via a lavish
£500,000 party replete with butlers and Beefeaters – not the real ones – the LA version. She is
busy as a veritable bee – or as hysterical as a hungry hyena – designing sunglasses, handbags,
her own line of skinny jeans. Many predict Brand Beckham could eventually be worth a billion
dollars. The question is just how soon can we expect that….
Unfortunately this could all end in tears. Firstly, the reported arrangement is that Victoria has six
months to achieve her goals and after that it’s time for the promised daughter David really yearns
for. Secondly, it has been reported that the American press has already taken a dislike to VB.
They don’t like pouts; the US is a happy, happy place. They have taken to referring to her as an
alien, and she has only been there a week. I predict a riot….
More telling is the fact that a friend of one of the LA Galaxy WAGs said: 'There's already
resentment among the girls towards Victoria because of how much more David will be making
than their husbands… (100 times more than the average league player - with the lowest Galaxy
player earning £5,650 a year…watch your back, Vicki)…. If she thinks she's going to walk in
here like the Queen of England she's going to find herself in for a very rude awakening.' And here
I thought Helen Mirren had that Oscar winning role. Another friend said: “One famous friend in
particular is telling her they must present themselves as British aristocrats if they want to survive.
American TV audiences love all that stuff.” Lest we forget; most of Diana’s dresses stand stuffed
and cordoned off in the living rooms of middle America. Hopefully they won’t be tempted to slip
into American vernacular and intersperse every other word with ‘yeah…ya know…it’s like…sort a’
…or even the now infamous YO!
I’m actually sorry to see the demise of bend it like Beckham for England and for football; from
this moment in time, it’s simply bank it like Beckham.
