LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
18 June 2016
Because I'm Worth It

‘Does he or doesn’t he’? When Tim Shipman interviewed the now Brexit Boris
for
The Sunday Times Magazine, Boris admitted that his dishevelled blond locks
were enhanced. Boris admitted he dyes his hair; his blond admission.
Surprised?

Oops. A few hours after reading his interview, Boris panicked, blamed and then
called for “an urgent point of clarification”. As you do when you get caught out,
even if you do it yourself. Boris was “joking” don’t you know. His ever-present
sister, Rachel, said the whole family were natural blonds – as in blond-ambition
surely. Oh let’s remember he was vigorously pro-EU in 2013.

In the original interview, Boris said: “This is the real thing, it's all natural.” But
when Shipman pressed him about whether he dyed it, Boris admitted: “Yes”. So,
‘does he or doesn’t he’? ‘Only his hair dresser knows for sure’.  Or ‘Is it true
blondes have more fun?’ or ‘If I’ve only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde’.
Well Boris. Which is it then? We know Boris would dye (sorry) to protect his
bird’s nest brand.

In the summer of last year, Boris’ hairdresser Heinz Schumi claimed his hair
was bleached. Hmmm. Whom do we believe? Him, his family or his hairdresser?
Oh you know the answer. The dye is cast.


The Battle of the Buffoons

What bloody idiots they are: Nige and Bob. Ukip Nigel Farage and his flotilla of
Brexit fishermen vs Irish Remain solipsist Bob Geldof and his fleet - and that
stupid cap. Do you suppose he sleeps in it? Oh Bob. So ridiculous - and that’s
without mentioning that hair. And we thought Corbyn lived in the 70’s….

‘In’ Sir Bob ambushed ‘Out’ Nige as he led with his little flag bearing "take our
waters back" fleet of 12 (originally 50 to 60) up the Thames to Westminster. Sir
Bob captained his fleet to stop Nige with a massive wall of ear-splitting sound. As
you do. Are we wondering if ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ was playing? Surprisingly
not. It blared out the 1964 hit ‘I’m in with the In Crowd’ and ‘If You Leave Me
Now’ throughout the voyage.

Verbal shots were fired. Sir Bob pulled up alongside HMS Nige and shouted in
the microphone: "FARAGE, YOU'RE A FRAUD! YOU'RE NO FISHERMAN'S
FRIEND!" Then water shots were fired – literally. The ‘In’ crowd was hit with the
fire hose by the ‘Out’ crowd. Are you keeping up here? Sir Bob called Nige “a
clown” and Nige called Sir Bob “just disgusting…disgraceful”. Sir Bob gave two
fingers up to Nige and called him “a w*nker”. Ah, playground antics on the high
seas.

Captain Nige’s 72m long trawler was in fact previously owned by Allan and son
Ernest Simpson who had been fined £130,000 in 2012 for catching fish outside
EU quotas and is now owned by one of Britain’s richest families – worth £122m.
Just saying.

Remain campaigners on board disembarked - in disgust - after Sir Bob’s
visuals. But we’re not certain when Rachel Johnson – yes, yes Boris’ ubiquitous
sister again – was dancing with Bob on deck before or after the exit .
Erm…some may call it dancing.

In more than three years as a member of the European Parliament fisheries
committee, how many of the 43 meetings did pro-fishermen-Nige attend? 40, 32,
11? No. One! No worries; he still got paid. Whew.

Greenpeace accused MEP Nige of "cynical opportunism". He had failed to vote
on three major measures designed to fix flaws in the Common Fisheries Policy.
Oh Nige. You are a fraud after all.


BREAKING POINT

Nazi-Nigel – oh dear, did I just write that? Yes and so did many others – has hit
yet another low point in his obsession with cutting all ties with Europe. Perfect
timing considering the heart-breaking death of humanitarian MP Jo Cox.

If you haven’t seen it, the (nearly) larger than life poster bears the slogan:
"BREAKING POINT: The EU has failed us all" featuring an endless queue of
refugees (women and children as well) crossing the border between Croatia and
Slovenia. The image is an exact copy of a Nazi poster. Good choice, Nige.

Nige defended his racist image: "within a few years, all of these people will have
EU passports". I’m imagining them all walking over him en masse, but that isn’t
very nice is it? But then, neither is he. Oh dear. Will Nige’s German wife have to
be deported as well? Cheers, Nige. Have yet another pint and be proud. Be very
proud.

A complaint has been reported to the Metropolitan Police for inciting racial
hatred via the poster. "This is scaremongering in its most extreme and vile form,"
said complainant Dave Prentis of the Unison union.

To counter Nazi inspired Nige, a bit about the amazing MP Jo Cox: she had
been an advisor to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, former head of
humanitarian campaigning for Oxfam, the national chair of the Labour Women’s
network, led solutions to assuage loneliness, worked with charities such as Save
the Children, acted as a senior advisor to the anti-slavery charity the Freedom
Fund and as an advisor to Sarah Brown, was a vocal advocate for those
affected by the Syrian crisis, backed the Dubs amendment before it was
defeated in the House of Commons that would have allowed the UK to accept
3,000 child refugees stranded in camps in Europe.

More than £700,000 has been raised in two days for three of her charities. The
money will be shared between: the Royal Voluntary Service [which helps to
combat loneliness in her West Yorkshire constituency], the White Helmets
[volunteer search and rescue workers in Syria] and Hope Not Hate [which seeks
to challenge hate and extremism in local communities across the UK]. The
woman was truly extraordinary.

The day before the murder, Jo Cox had been with her husband and two young  
children campaigning for Remain in one of the small boats on the Thames.

Nigel was asked why he was back on the cigs again this week: “I think the
doctors have got it wrong.” Does the word ‘deluded’ come to mind?
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