|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
3 November 2019
|A Battle of Wills
No, not about the Harry vs Wills battle, but the Al vs Jez battle. So we all stuffed
ourselves with sweets, leart how to cut elaborate pumpkins, wore scary
costumes – ie; Boris masks plus the hair naturally. Phew. Third time lucky? Erm.
Not so, eh, Al? Al’s repeated ad nauseum deadline - postponed for the third time
in seven months. That also marked the third time Boris’ failure to force an early
election since he took office. And now he gets his way. Have we mentioned
‘Tephlon’? 12 December by 438 votes, £100 million spent, as you do. So now it's
a Christmas turkey then. As you know, the upcoming election will be the first
held - ruining Christmas - in December since 1923.
Jezza has ‘manned up” and gives up being “a chicken” following Al’s
instructions. He’s all ready for his big win in an election. The man is: demented?
thick? confused? dithering? stubborn? frenzied? a fantasist? so much more. We
have been so reassured that JC is eating more porridge for his breakfast to
keep up his stamina. Oh dear, oh dear. Porridge should do it. And where was
“Ohhhhhhhhhh Jeremy Corbyn” on the last anti-Brexit march exactly? Evidently
the youth vote has moved to Boris. Yikes! 18-24 year olds. Huh? No really. Huh?
Generally people are now ‘off Labour’ while JC gets to show off and shout. JC’s
negative approval rate is unprecedented as we all know regardless of any
progress to come. Still a fact.
Be prepared to despair: London has gone Tory. No. You aren’t experiencing a
nightmare. Seriously how is this possible? Possibly not. I mean – really! Has it?
Jezza demonstrates he can read the instructions. Once.
The ‘battle ground’: apparently only 50 key swing seats matter in this. London
and the seats in the south-west and north midlands. Again. No one knows the
outcome so all that endless polling will mean nothing really. Sighhhhh. However,
uh oh, Al. 316,000 people have signed up to vote in 48 hours, 205,900 of them
are under 34. Oh dear. And - 71% of those under 25 who voted in the Brexit
referendum opted to Remain with Al’s rigid intractable Brexit. Not so fast
nevertheless. 80 per cent of Conservatives are happy with Al, only 9 per cent
aren’t. You know what’s coming. Just 15 per cent are happy with JC’s
performance while 75 per cent are unhappy. OK reeeeaaaallllly unhappy!
Reality check: not that it will make any difference in Boris being crowned, Boris’
Brexit deal would leave a hole in the UK economy the size of Wales, economists
warn now. The agreement struck between the government and Brussels will leave
gross domestic product 3.5 percent lower every year than if Britain remained an
EU member. This depressing report according to new analysis by the National
Institute of Economic and Social Research (NIESR). That amounts to a loss of
£1,100 per person per year, or £70 billion annually overall. Back to Wales. That
£70 billion is roughly the size of the Welsh economy. Austerity? Oh remember
that? It’s only the beginning – again. Time for under the duvet retreat.
Leaving the Brexit ship? Queuing up. Ken Clarke! Philip Hammond, Alan
Duncan, Amber Rudd, Rory Stewart, Nicholas Soames, Nicky Morgan, Oliver
Letwin, Justine Greening, Jo Johnson, etc. Twenty-five so far. Leaving the evil
avid Brexiteers, VoteLeave activists as the Tory party! Well, clearly yes. But the
loss of the hysterical Brexiteer Kate Hoey is not a loss but a major win. Phew.
Oh and interestingly, supposedly Cummings will not be the evil Machiavellian
master manipulating Al’s campaign. Hearing cheers?
Boris had to make a quick exit ‘fleeing’ after a visit to Addenbrookes hospital in
Cambridge his first day out and about as angry staff, patients and NHS
One staff member said the obvious: "What the f**k did he think was going to
happen?!" One young medical student told how she was pushed out of the way
as she tried to question Boris - and called him a coward.
And quelle surprise, the BBC and other media reported the visit, but didn’t quite
hear the booing. Interesting that. When you fully realise that we will be inundated
to the point of mass nausea with the Al and Jez on the campaign trail for the next
six weeks of torture – arghhhh!!! Run. Hide. Or at least ‘boo’!
The Flip of a Coin
Oh Boris. Now all those commemorative 50p Brexit coins will have to be melted
down having been ready and waiting to be minted for our departure date. But
Halloween won didn’t it? Surprisingly we aren’t having to pay. Well, we will
continue to pay, pay, pay just not for these with the pound ultimately being worth
little. Ready for the best bit? “friendship with all nations” will be stamped on the
next set featuring the next departure date. Not joking.
Don’t Bottle It
We’ll need this leading up to the election. Lidl goes dark. Why it’s Lidl Chateaux
Noir naturally. There’s an obvious clue there. Yes. It’s wine tastings. And why in
the dark? Because 35 per cent of people choose their bottle of wine based on
the bottle itself, 27 per cent on the seductive label. Waiters wear night-vision
goggles. All this to learn how to identify quality wines. Lidl has won awards for
The procedure. Guests will sample eight 75ml glasses of wine and nibbles after
they have begun at the ‘Discombobulation Chamber’. Sounds ominous doesn’t
it? Actually it’s a candy cane-striped space to undermine – in a good way of
course – the guests’ senses. Then they will enter the blind taste space, the
‘Cellar Noir’. This is where the wine is. Then – they will be guided to the ‘Salle de
Noel’ where they will experience Christmas – note the name – with trees, mince
pies and a cheeseboard of snacks. Tickets are £4. The money will be donated to
NSPCC which helps keep children safe.
Lidl was awarded 101 medals for their wine in 2017 in the US, they took home
one of 14 gold awards at this year's International Wine Challenge, described as
the "Oscars of the wine world" selling for £6.99 and more awards making the
point to date. Impressed surely. Annnndddd they are planning to source nearly
everything from the UK – much of which they already do – as well as supporting
independent innovative sources. What’s not to like? Seriously.
Lidl isn’t the only one ‘going dark. Nige’s party had been instructed to :“Go
DARK”. Hmm. Brexit Party instructions to all prospective election candidates:
“Important. Please all go DARK on social media. DO NOT respond to any
questions about where we [are] standing, what the strategy or plan is from now
on. Things will be made clear . . . very soon.” Come on now. Weird. “Things will
be made clear very soon.” Be afraid. Be very afraid. Suggestion: turn on the
Just when we thought we had a reprieve – hahaha. Although clearly we’re not
really laughing. So what has MM done to get more media attention? Oh, by
breaching royal protocol with her one-on-one newspaper interview – you know –
keeping the royal family ‘modern’. Oh oops. It was with the right-wing, Brexit-
loving, traditional Telegraph. Indeed.
And what does she talk about? Evidently “the importance of vulnerability and
speaks a great deal of therapy language that is unlikely to endear her to that
newspaper’s natural readership.” Oh right. She was visiting a charity bakery at
the time. Indeed. Oh yes, Boris and Nige are infamous contributors.
MM tells the group of women about herself – oh really – again?: “One of the
things I have realised since being here is that people have an expectation when
I'm coming somewhere, so I’m like, let’s just be really relaxed, keep everyone
nice and chilled, because at the end of the day we’re all just women. We all have
a story to tell, and I feel honoured that I am getting to hear yours.”
She says at one stage: “I find that when you strip all the layers away, as people,
and especially as women, we can find deep connection with each other, and a
shared understanding.” Oh must we do that “I’m just like you” story? OK.
Excessively privileged, advantaged like the women with heart-breaking stories.
Hmm. Now how did MM get this gig exactly? With a paper which represents the
antithesis of her LA sensibility? Oh, she knew the interviewer who reveals: “I first
met Meghan Markle eighteen months ago, shortly before she married Prince
Harry. We went for lunch at a restaurant in London, sitting in a corner where
she went unnoticed and undisturbed. She ate monkfish, offering me some when
I expressed my food envy, and we discussed some of our shared passions:
mental health, running, yoga.” Oh dear god. Curious she had the need to use
MM’s surname. “We kept in touch,” adding it was MM who persuaded Harry to
do his famous mental health podcast with her.
And The Mirror pathetically revealed the fact that MM has “revealed” that Archie
will be watching the final of the Rugby World Cup on Saturday morning in an
England babygro. Uh – excuse me? Does he know the players, the rules, the
back stories? As pointed out, MM doesn’t know it’s “Come on England!” not the
American “Go England!” Fast learner.