LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
12 September 2011
1. She Came in Through the Bathroom Window

Comedian David Walliams battled a bout of 'Thames Tummy', a painful wetsuit
rash, aching muscles, cold temperatures, obvious exhaustion for Sport Relief
charity raising £1.1m so far. 8 days 70,000 calories, 110,000 strokes, over 140
miles he swam the length of the Thames. He modestly mused: “There was a lot
against me at the beginning and the water was a lot colder because the summer
was so bad. It was just swimming. It was just putting one arm in front of the
other... just swimming.” All he wanted was a proper bath and a nice lie-down.
Undoubtedly he deserves more.

At the very same time, Britain’s fourth richest person, billionaire Formula 1 boss
Bernie Ecclestone’s daughter Tamara, remained unwashed. The heiress has
sent a team of five on an expedition into the Amazon to source crystal for her
£1m bathtub for her £47m London home. Merely one of her bathtubs for one of
her homes surely. “I’ve got to reinforce the floor and I’ve had to pay for
everyone’s travel (no one volunteered?) and the hauling back and polishing of
the crystal.” Poor Tamara is about to enter the world of reality TV.  Certainly for
the first fascinating episode she’ll christen her lovely new tub with bubbles –
soap and a bit of Cristal.

“But I spend a lot of time in the bath, so it’s worth it.” Walliams saved a dog.
Jackie O’s papers have been released 3 years early by her daughter, Caroline.
JO reveals that serial shagger JFK never grew out of having toys in the bath.
"All along his tub were floating animals, dogs and pink pigs and things." ‘And
things’? What exactly did he do with all those baby toys? JO failed to elaborate;
perhaps too much information.

2. THE LOVE WE MAKE

Now everybody’s favourite ‘quiet’ Beatle not only was a wife-abuser/beater
(Pattie Boyd), but another serial shagger. Charming. Apparently all women
found George irresistible with his pants down around his ankles, according to
his self-imposed long-suffering second wife of 23 years, Olivia. Olivia takes the
view: “He did like women and women did like him. If he just said a couple of
words to you it would have a profound effect. So it was hard to deal with
someone who was so well loved.” Really? Pathetic Beatle Paul takes the view: "I
don't want to say much, because he was a pal, but he liked the things that men
like. He was red-blooded." A bit creepy, PMcC. Beatles roadies’, Steven
Gaines and Peter Brown, take the view: “He wanted to seduce every woman he
laid eyes on.” There’s more? Beatles expert Bill Harry’s view: “George had
hundreds and hundreds of affairs.” Apparently his predilection was for married
women. Oh dear. No longer my favourite Beatle.

3. JACK THE LAD

Tory Chancellor, George Osborne, has been re-linked to his coke-supplying
dominatrix ‘friend’, his Andy Colson cover up, and then he tried his hand at
stand up. Best to look away now.

Men’s fashion bible GQ gave GO their Politian of the Year Award (huh?). GO
was confused. He thought he was getting an award from a smarmy lad’s mag. “I’
m not sure who actually reads the political pages of GQ magazine, though – I
suspect they are the only pages of the magazine that a teenage boy hasn’t
stuck together while reading the magazine. Some might say that’s because the
wankers are on the page rather than reading them.” Ew, ew, ew. Obviously GO
lives in another reality. Scary if he is deciding the economic/social/cultural
fate/future of Britain without public consent.
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