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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Bag It - 4 March 2007
If you just happen to have an extra £23,484 at the bottom of one of your designer handbag, and
are mentally and emotionally challenged, Louis Vuitton has created an item expressly for you.
They have gathered up their own handbags, 17 in all, slapped and stitched them together to
produce one £23,484 handbag…thus creating the new ‘must have’…how clever. Better than
having all those déclassé bits flogged on eBay.
This in clear contrast to the other ‘must have’ handbag of the moment: the ubiquitous £1.50 plaid
plastic laundry bag. Louis Vuitton offers their very own version for £1,270 for those who need to
impress with the best, even if it is a plastic bag. Could that be a misprint? Probably not. But to
be au courant, the red/white/blue plaid laundry tote should been replaced by the shiny plastic
ones with big white polka dots on a bright coloured background featured at the market stalls.
Bright pink, turquoise…hurry….
To add a touch of perspective: the actual median wage for full-time work is around £23,000.
Time to get a second job to make up the difference.
One fashion designer admitted to knowing “…a lot of women who will starve to get a handbag.
I've got a lot of friends like that.” But won’t they be too weak to carry it? A Harrods fashion
executive thinks that “Python-skin bags have become quite a mainstream thing, and £1,000 is
pretty average.” Apparently it is quite normal to have several hundred handbags cluttering your
cupboard. 300 bags, 365 days a year….
To put things into a proper perspective: tennis pro, Maria ‘Iamthegreatest’ Sharapova could have
bought two of those a fore mentioned ultra pricey Tribute Patchworks, one for each arm, with
the £50,000 she donated to eight Chernobyl recovery projects in Belarus, the Russian Federation
and Ukraine. That’s 5p to you and me – but with our combined life-time earning power, we can
probably increase it to 10 p.
The average price of that all important status “I’m richer than you” symbol has risen by 55% to
about £850 since 2005. Fashion experts admit that women are seeking “bragging rights” with
those rather hideous studded/chained/belted bloated cowhide skins hanging off their arms, there
to induce envy from other bag toting muppets.
It’s the size, stupid. For the moment. The Balloon bag is big… obviously. The bigger the better.
Big is best. What in the hell do they put in those bags? Scrunched up bath towels? Old
newspapers? Mismatched socks, mewing kittens, a small child, a putrefied skinned rabbit in
homage to Repulsion?
Perhaps this explains the popular ‘pavement push’: big bags employed by their proud owners to
move you out of their way, off the curb, into on-coming traffic?
With a bag that costs more than a luxury car, you’d have to be ever so careful with it. Sleep with
it, giving the handbag its own pillow, take it with you into the loo, giving it its own soft towel,
sitting on it in a restaurant. Walking in the streets with it could prove risky; mugged by those
eBay addicts.
However, if you have the compelling need to be cool-chic rather than rich-chic, use your loose
change to purchase an Anya Hindmarch designer must, must have. This being the very same that
was used as the goodie-bag at the Vanity Fair Oscar night party. £5 and you can stroll along
Sloane Street swinging your beige canvas ‘I’m NOT A Plastic bag’ in large type tote. It may not
be plastic, but it is not pretty.
Tell me. Why can’t it be ethical and an aesthetically considered, pleasing, attractive, practical
bag? Well, because it is a status bag. Oh. That explains the dry-clean-only beige. Exactly.
Perhaps carrying a clear plastic zip-lock bag with £2,000 in five pound notes would make more
sense. “Look at me. I have cash to spare.” Another alternative is Marks and Spencer’s all-
purpose black fabric tote. Black. So much more chic than boring beige…and no waiting list.
Available at the till.
Hold on. All this is a mute point. Status designer…non-status-designer, black…beige,
attractive…ugly…I don’t even own a handbag; my 3” x 5” x ½” purse that holds everything I ever
need fits in my pocket. I may have just saved myself a life-long debt of £23,484. Oh. But now,
everyone will know I’m not rich.
If you just happen to have an extra £23,484 at the bottom of one of your designer handbag, and
are mentally and emotionally challenged, Louis Vuitton has created an item expressly for you.
They have gathered up their own handbags, 17 in all, slapped and stitched them together to
produce one £23,484 handbag…thus creating the new ‘must have’…how clever. Better than
having all those déclassé bits flogged on eBay.
This in clear contrast to the other ‘must have’ handbag of the moment: the ubiquitous £1.50 plaid
plastic laundry bag. Louis Vuitton offers their very own version for £1,270 for those who need to
impress with the best, even if it is a plastic bag. Could that be a misprint? Probably not. But to
be au courant, the red/white/blue plaid laundry tote should been replaced by the shiny plastic
ones with big white polka dots on a bright coloured background featured at the market stalls.
Bright pink, turquoise…hurry….
To add a touch of perspective: the actual median wage for full-time work is around £23,000.
Time to get a second job to make up the difference.
One fashion designer admitted to knowing “…a lot of women who will starve to get a handbag.
I've got a lot of friends like that.” But won’t they be too weak to carry it? A Harrods fashion
executive thinks that “Python-skin bags have become quite a mainstream thing, and £1,000 is
pretty average.” Apparently it is quite normal to have several hundred handbags cluttering your
cupboard. 300 bags, 365 days a year….
To put things into a proper perspective: tennis pro, Maria ‘Iamthegreatest’ Sharapova could have
bought two of those a fore mentioned ultra pricey Tribute Patchworks, one for each arm, with
the £50,000 she donated to eight Chernobyl recovery projects in Belarus, the Russian Federation
and Ukraine. That’s 5p to you and me – but with our combined life-time earning power, we can
probably increase it to 10 p.
The average price of that all important status “I’m richer than you” symbol has risen by 55% to
about £850 since 2005. Fashion experts admit that women are seeking “bragging rights” with
those rather hideous studded/chained/belted bloated cowhide skins hanging off their arms, there
to induce envy from other bag toting muppets.
It’s the size, stupid. For the moment. The Balloon bag is big… obviously. The bigger the better.
Big is best. What in the hell do they put in those bags? Scrunched up bath towels? Old
newspapers? Mismatched socks, mewing kittens, a small child, a putrefied skinned rabbit in
homage to Repulsion?
Perhaps this explains the popular ‘pavement push’: big bags employed by their proud owners to
move you out of their way, off the curb, into on-coming traffic?
With a bag that costs more than a luxury car, you’d have to be ever so careful with it. Sleep with
it, giving the handbag its own pillow, take it with you into the loo, giving it its own soft towel,
sitting on it in a restaurant. Walking in the streets with it could prove risky; mugged by those
eBay addicts.
However, if you have the compelling need to be cool-chic rather than rich-chic, use your loose
change to purchase an Anya Hindmarch designer must, must have. This being the very same that
was used as the goodie-bag at the Vanity Fair Oscar night party. £5 and you can stroll along
Sloane Street swinging your beige canvas ‘I’m NOT A Plastic bag’ in large type tote. It may not
be plastic, but it is not pretty.
Tell me. Why can’t it be ethical and an aesthetically considered, pleasing, attractive, practical
bag? Well, because it is a status bag. Oh. That explains the dry-clean-only beige. Exactly.
Perhaps carrying a clear plastic zip-lock bag with £2,000 in five pound notes would make more
sense. “Look at me. I have cash to spare.” Another alternative is Marks and Spencer’s all-
purpose black fabric tote. Black. So much more chic than boring beige…and no waiting list.
Available at the till.
Hold on. All this is a mute point. Status designer…non-status-designer, black…beige,
attractive…ugly…I don’t even own a handbag; my 3” x 5” x ½” purse that holds everything I ever
need fits in my pocket. I may have just saved myself a life-long debt of £23,484. Oh. But now,
everyone will know I’m not rich.
