LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
29 June 2019
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To the Back of the Bus, Boris

What do you do to relax? To switch off?” Hit the mute button when Boris is
showing off on telly. Admittedly we watched him bumble through his “
I get, I get
old…erm…erm
…wooden wine crates, right? And I…erm…paint them and they
have to contain two wine bottles. And it will have a dividing thing…erm…I paint
the passengers enjoying themselves…erm…” OK. Lied unequivocally. And
emphasised with a hand gesture that described a wine crate. OK. This
surpasses Theresa’s ‘farmer’s field of dreams’. Bus referencing, eh Boris?
Really? With your history? Oh he is arrogant! Nicola Sturgeon has said the
choice of having Hunt or Boris as the next prime minister is like “asking me if I’d
prefer to be run down by a lorry or a bus”. Aptly put.

Pull up your socks, Al, literally as well. Boris’ socks were hard to miss and soon
it was all over the media. I thought: ‘hmm. His socks aren’t properly pulled up,
one looks inside out and surely that indicates a total lack of personal hygiene.’
The Daily Mail thought: ‘I now believe Boris Johnson has worn the same socks
on 3 of the last 4 days…they depict King Ashurbanipal
who called himself "King
of the World
". And what did Boris tell his sister he wanted to be aged 5? ‘World
King!’ What could possibly go wrong?

Surprisingly the £5.99 socks are not sold out at the British Museum…yet. No
one has asked about how often he changes his – pants. Ew! Sorry! Really!
Naturally a spokesman for Boris - Boris has a sock spokesman then? - denies
he has been wearing the same pair of socks all week and insists he has
"multiple" pairs. Pull other leg.

Anyway, Boris has been so filled with the fervor of Boris-mania that he has
reverted to his jokey self-loving self while wooing and wowing the crowds. They
just can’t get enough – and clearly neither can Al aka Boris. Oh please.
Put a
sock in it, Al!

Leaving So Soon?

And how has Jezza been doing? Not well. In fact, they are still saying he is not
well. Even his maniacal Momentum backers are not happy with his refusal to
deal with his welcoming with open arms and possibly hugs of suspended MP
Chris Williams and his anti-semitic rhetoric. Founder Jon Landsman tweeted:
he
“has to go!
” 200 MPs, peers and staff had signed a statement calling on JC to
withdraw the whip from Williamson after being accused of downplaying the
problem of anti-Semitism in party ranks. Landsman said JC has failed to show
“one iota of contrition” for his claim that Labour had been ‘too apologetic’ over
anti-Semitism. Pressure, pressure. Now in response to the pressure from
Labour MPs and staff, removal of the parliamentary whip from Williamson just
days after he was readmitted to the party.

.And – yawn – Brexit? Following JC’s decision to postpone a widely expected
announcement of a policy shift towards giving the public a final say on any
Brexit deal in the form of a new national vote, writing in the Evening Standard,
former deputy leader Dame Margaret Beckett says
there is “hesitation on the
bridge of the ship
” at a time when calls for a second referendum are becoming
urgent. “Any prospect of building on the remarkable result Jeremy achieved two
years ago is fast evaporating,” she warned.

Speaking to BBC Radio 4, she said: “I'm beginning to think that some of them do
actually want Britain to leave the EU no matter what. They don't give a toss about
what the British people now want or what Labour members think is in the
country's interests.
They just are determined to make sure we don't do anything
to impede Britain leaving
, if necessary with no deal.”

‘The four Ms’ in Jezza’s team are anti-EU. Let’s name them: Seamus Milne, his
director of communications, Karie Murphy, his chief of staff, Andrew Murray,
his political adviser, and Len McCluskey, the head of the powerful Unite trade
union. So now you know who rules the Labour Party. Full stop. The plan in
place. ‘
Moderate’ Labour MPs are to be purged in the re-election. Clue: trigger
ballots…two week deadlines. Whose party is this exactly? Well, it is obvious.

The recent health claims come as insiders report a 'toxic atmosphere' in Labour
- with at least eight former members of staff signing gagging orders forbidding
them from discussing their experiences of working for the party. Ah, wouldn’t
Lenin be proud.

Jezza! It’s chaos! Jezza! But we know Jezza hasn’t made a proper decision
since choosing his Lenin cap. Time for a party split. Labour vs pro-Brexit.

The Golden Rule

Oh Nige. Uh oh Nige. According to a leaked letter from a parliamentary
committee, Mr Brexit Party committed a "serious breach" of the Code of
Conduct of the European Parliament's code of conduct and s
hould face the
"highest penalty
”. Oh. You just know you are smiling – and can’t stop.

We have already done our collective “tut tut” when we found out he received
nearly half a million pounds from the dodgy Aaron Banks as well as a car with a
driver, trips to the US and a lavish home in Chelsea. We know Banks is
currently subject to a separate investigation by the National Crime Agency over
the source of funding for the Brexit campaign.

Under the current rules, the President of the European Parliament has the power
to issue a reprimand, temporarily suspend MEPs from Parliament – and from
collecting their daily allowance – for up to 30 days and stop an MEP from
representing Parliament in certain circumstances for up to a year. Uh oh,
Nige.   insult

Nige’s leaflet begins with: “
do you think politics is broken?”. Nige & co want
people to submit their details to the Brexit Party’s election database which they
have not so cleverly disguised as a questionnaire. Then Nige quotes a property
developer, “
Are you fed up with dishonest, self-serving politicians?” Seriously.
Not joking here – is Nige? Earlier this month, Nige rejected a request to appear
in Brussels to testify about the allegations. "I did not receive any private money
for political purposes”. Hahahaha.

Charity Begins at Home

I want my 74p returned, part of that £2.4m H&MM had demanded for the
'substantial overhaul' of their Frogmore Cottage. You know, MM’s floating floor
kitchen. They were handed £1.5m last year. Pittance really. The £2.4m is tip:
iceberg.

Our faves, the down with the plebs, eh? So modern. So us. Really? In case you
have forgotten, 2018-2019 we have paid £82m to a phenomenally rich family.
Hmm. We are liking them less and less. But then, when did we really – like
them? - pretending to be like us?

The serfs are not happy! “Outrageous!” “Disgraceful!” With an estimated fortune
of £20 million inherited from his mother's estate, trust funds from the Queen
Mother, and help from Daddy – oh Harry – really! Grow up.

Landscaping is also on the agenda. Oh dear. Wallis Simpson is actually buried
in MM’s garden. Oh you just couldn’t make it up. So good. Frogmore was the
home of Victoria’ Indian ‘servant’, Munshi. Interesting history here.

“I want a castle!
I want my own castle! Like I am not living in five tiny houses.
Have you looked at this pathetic little cottage? Servants lived like there!
Russians! Harry! Harry! Are you listening? Like what will my new best friends
say? George and Alma? Serena! And Oprah! I want like at least one! They have
lots of glam houses. Like I need a proper environment to like wear all my royal
jewellery.”

Value for money? Oh please. Splashing out on an essential £5,000 cooper
designer bathtub? New carpets replaced when the dogs had muddy feet?
Evidently their model is Soho House hotel chain. No. Really. Classy clearly.
Private christening?
They aren’t endearing themselves are they? Oh – soooo
LA. Brand H&MM – not doing well here. Clue: you can’t have it both ways –
although clearly they are.

Six nannies in three weeks and all those staff that have quit in the last few  
months. Remember them? One left in tears, one after six months, one resigned
after 17 years with the royals, add – or rather subtract two more recently.
But,
who’s keeping count
?

“She won't allow them near Archie. Meghan would only let Doria [her ‘mom’]
hold
him for a minute
, she literally runs in and out of the shower to snap him back
up.” Gosh. “Meghan likes to be in control of everything. She just can’t have
anyone be alone with Archie. She’s ignoring help. No one has looked after him
but her.” Gosh again. Scary parenting ‘skills’ here.

Now they may spend three to four months in Africa. Ah. Charity begins at home
and in Africa. Endless photo opportunities await. America is calling. Please
answer – and pack up.

Oh No!

OK. OK. It’s the Sandra Oh show. Killing Eve? If only. Not happy. Everyone is
complaining: dreadful music, no longer comic-book inspired, Americanisms – oh
right – it is now American isn’t it. – boring, predictable, slow, and the worst: not
clever! We guessed when it was only 45 minutes on ad-free BBC. We noticed S
Oh is a co-executive producer. Hmm. Not happy. Oh please, Phoebe, promise to
write the third series – please! Ranting at the telly is scaring the dog.
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