|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
11 May 2019
|Babe in Arms
OK. OK It’s Archie. So desperate to keep H&MM on the front pages, tabloids
have suggested the baby’s name could have been inspired by Archie Leach –
yes, you know – the forever brilliant Cary Grant. Oh please. But then there is –
erm – Archie Bunker. Blimey! Or should it be “oh boy”!? Do we think the
American Barney or Skip or Moe were considered? And then there is the
Harrison and we know about that: Harry’s son…really? a bit sad. Harrison Ford
has been suggested. Now the name is being attributed to MM’s childhood cat,
named after the gingered-haired character, Archie, in Archie comic books. Not
joking here. Apparently MM told friends the cat ended becoming fat from being
constantly fed grapes. As you don’t do.
Oh enough. The question is where was ‘Markle’ in the middle? Oh right. That’s
her father’s name and we know all about that endless soap opera. And the
bookmakers? “One of the biggest surprises in royal betting history.”
About 30% of babies in the UK today are born into poverty. A Channel 4
Dispatches investigation reported the number had grown ten-fold in the eight
years up to 2018. Just saying.
Every woman who has ever given birth has been ready and unfortunately too
willing to share the feelings of ‘all’ first time mothers. All those references to
night-feeds, nappies, sleepless nights. Clue: laughing here is appropriate. Self-
referring is so boring. H&MM. Uber rich, super privileged, entitled, arrogant.
Just like all new parents.
And the father? “The little thing to absolutely die for”. Hmm. “To die for?” Hmm.
Conjures up the wicked fairies if you’ve been weaned on fairy tales. Let’s try
“Megan and myself…” next. Wrong. “Myself”? Oh Harry. Really. A reflexive
pronoun. Tut-tut. It’s “me” and surely you are familiar with me, myself and I for
And lest we forget that home birth that took place at £20K labour ward at
Portland Hospital. MM and “the little thing to die for” were rushed back to
Frogmore to maintain the home birth claim. Wait. A major oops? Cat…bag?
Harry said: '”Everyone says the baby has changed so much over the two weeks.
'We are basically monitoring on the changing process over this next month. But
his looks are changing every single day, so who knows.' He looks “just like
Momma”. Ok. “Momma”? Huh? And “two weeks”? Come on now. He did say it.
So they thought they were being incredulously clever? None of the American
midwives/doctors were given any recognition following tradition and clearly
respect…no astrologer will have the actual date or time. This is just getting
We know and can respect H&MM’s desire for privacy, but it is beginning to be a
lesson in teenage rebellion. Not a good look when you are 34 and 37 rather than
16 and 19. Some are beginning to think this obsessive “we’re doing it Megan’s
way” is bordering on not just arrogance but paranoia. Just saying. As others
seem to be.
Hmm. Harry could give up his title and become a like normal like LA dude. Like
surely something he would like revel in. We know he loves Las Vegas. The baby
will have an American passport, an American nanny, an American accent. So.
What’s not to like?
Can we stop referring to the baby as “Ah Archie” now? Thought not.
Can you say ‘court’ in Latin? Can you say ‘prosecution’ in Latin? Surely Boris
can and will. Crowdfunding has resulted in a legal case against Boris. Indeed.
This not for his false buffoonery, but for the bus. Yes. That bus. Not the beloved
Routemaster Boris promised and didn’t deliver as mayor, but that £350m a week
we send to the EU claimed on the side of the bus. The £350m we don’t.
Marcus Ball has raised more than £370,000 to launch the private prosecution
case citing three offences of misconduct by endorsing what Boris knew to be
untrue. Nothing new there. Mr Ball, who has worked on the case non-stop for
almost three years said: “This case is a world first, it has never happened
“A Member of Parliament has never been prosecuted for misconduct in public
office based upon alleged lying to the public. My backers and I aspire to set a
precedent in the UK common law making it illegal for an elected representative to
lie to the public about financial matters.”
The case will receive an initial hearing behind closed doors at Westminster
Magistrates’ Court on May 14. It is not known whether the case will proceed to
trial. No mea culpa from Boris surely. No ‘respondeat superior’ (‘the buck stops
Oh nooooo. CallMeDave is “distraught”. So distraught he has had to buy a hot
tub. And no. We are not invited to assuage his agony. Lest we forget, in
January, CME told us he had no regrets for creating this unprecedented farce,
fiasco, fatally flawed, fantasy. "I don't regret calling the referendum". Really,
In The Times, CMD bestie Baroness Bertin said: “I’m not seeking sympathy for
him, but he is pretty distraught about it all. When I say distraught, he’s not
depressed or anything, but he cares deeply about this country. It’s a wrong
perception that he is having a great time and washed his hands of it.” ROTFL.
We know CMD has been piling up the cash as a speaker, writing his political
memoirs – oh goodness me – and of course that £25,000 shed. Well, surely one
needs one to pen one’s memoirs. Has Dave been listening to Edith Piaf in his
shed for inspiration? It’s to be published in the autumn. Uh oh. Do I hear ‘non, je
ne regret rien’…
What else has Dave done with the £800,000 advance? Well, not consistently as
he has now purchased a – ready? – hot tub. Dave has just bought an £8,000
two-tonne hot tub for his luxury £2m Cornish holiday home and not just any hot
tub. According to the Mirror, “The ex-PM chose a wood-fired, freshwater version
that claims to be “authentic” and eco-friendly.
Forest Flame, the manufacturer (curious name), says we “believe the objects in
your life must have a soul and a higher purpose”. Well, for £8,000 it should. Oh
and it seats six. It’s for customers who want to be “free from constraints.” Are
there suggestions then? Eye-rolling here?
Evidently after his hot tub plunge, Dave was out murdering the dance floor over
bank holiday weekend at Soho Farmhouse. Witnesses reported of course he
can’t dance. He is soulless.
Bully for You
The collective genuflecting poodles are lined up yet again. They’re
baaaaaaaaccckkkk. They being the Americans. You know the entitled bullies of
the world. “What Megan wants, Megan gets.” Simply substitute the US for the
MM. See. So simple.
With the usual pomp and arrogance – oh dear – sorry, but just couldn’t resist
the ‘pomp’ reference in his name – the US has sent over the US Secretary of
State Mike Pompeo to demand and threaten during a visit to London to deliver
the annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture. Menacing Mike is the ex-CIA chief.
OK. So his visit can be summed up with how to win friends? Insult them. He
taunted Theresa that ‘the Iron Lady’ Margaret Thatcher would never think of
giving into the Chinese with a foothold in the UK’s telecoms networks. If the UK
continues with Huawei, the US will take the necessary action to cut ties, we will
experience their wrath. Gosh! No tortured toxic chickens.
He went on to insult Jezza. OK. Not hard to do. But his venal threat was that the
US would pull out of operations if the Huawei 5G deal went ahead. Mike: The
deal would “open the doors to Beijing’s spymasters.” Ha ha ha. The doors have
been propped open for years. And that massive structure in Utah collecting and
storing every email, tweet, phone call, ad if anyone has ever made? Huh Mike?
The ‘i’ reports that ministers are ‘reconsidering’ the decision. Naturally Jeremy
Hunt colluded. The culture secretary, Jeremy Wright, told MPs “I don’t exclude
the possibility that there will be some delay.”
Mike included Angela Merkel on his insult list next. He inexplicably cancelled his
visit to Berlin. Result? "The German-American relationship is in tatters," so
reported The Süddeutsche Zeitung, one of the largest daily newspapers in
German. Well, when you have that American superiority coursing through your
veins, you can do anything. Oh right. Isn’t that their modus operandi? No answer
required of course.
Menacing Mike came to pressure the UK to keep continuing wars in the world
via its “military capabilities that can complement our very special
relationship…so that it will continue.” We all know there isn’t and never has been
a ‘special relationship’. End of. Mike is continuing to evoke the cold war
Americans are so fond of helping to create. Donny and the boys plan to spend
$750bn on the American military. Quelle surprise. Hard to rule the world sans a
massive menacing military. And then there are the sanctions against Iran. Oh
the UK can be so disobedient. Queuing up to kneel and kiss the American flag
ring on Mike’s pudgy finger.
OHMYGOD!!! Noooo! OH,MYGOD!!! YESSSS!!! Football heaven. Football
miracles. Three-goal deficits. Just beyond words. Spurs’ manager Mauricio
Pochettino dropped onto the pitch and cried.
But he dropped his bombshell as well. When asked how he would feel if he could
end what he has described as a five-year chapter at the club by winning the
Champions League. “It should be fantastic, no?” Pochettino replied. “Close the
five-year chapter and go home.”
What? “It’s not a joke. Why? To win the Champions League in this
circumstance, in this season – maybe I need to think a little bit to do something
different in the future. Because to repeat this miracle, you know … But for sure,
I go home. Whatever happens tomorrow, I go home.” Oh.
We did our duty. 13.2m or more have watched Line of Duty. 11m watched The
Bodyguard. Now what can we say other than: thank you Jed Mercurio. And
thank you for one possibly two more series of L of D. Hard to say whether ‘H’
stood for hell for the characters or heaven for the viewers.
What do we do now? The last of The Durrells; our visual holiday with humour or
with even more humour the totally mad Ghosts. At first you had to think to
yourself simply: huh? am I really going to watch this and soon after your inner
voice was shouting like the group of ghosts: YES!!! They do that sort of thing.
Answer in unison. Suddenly they are part of the family. Ours.