|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
25 February 2018
Theresa made it clear – yes, you can laugh here – she was going to keep her
Cabinet ministers at Chequers until they worked out a plan. Stern, determined
‘strong and stable’ Theresa has plans of her own: keeping them in their rooms,
using chalk as missiles…“Ouch! You hurt me, Miss!”…standing in a corner…
“But I need the toilet, Miss. Really, really I do.”
Detention until the thicker than thick, so proud of their collective lack of future-
awareness, can come up with a plan to destroy the country. “Come on, boys. All
together now: HARD BREXIT! HARD BREXIT! HARD BREXIT!” “But Miss. We
want no Brexit. Ouch. Miss!”
Actually, Theresa’s ‘war cabinet’ all sat around in the 16th century manor house
in comfy chintz covered chairs around the fireplace in the posh living room. Ah.
And after eight hours of lovely meals and comfort, the result, I won’t bore you
with the menu, the UK will opt for “ambitious managed divergence” in future
trade with the EU. Quite. Quite ambiguous. And the response from EU Council
President, Donald Tusk? Oh you know already really. “Pure illusion.”
Moving on while still in her headmistress mode, Theresa has planned – oh god,
not another pointless planned ‘review’ which is clearly the government’s modus
operandi – this time, a year-long – help - “radical review” into tuition fees…that
regressive system Theresa helped create. And the purpose you ask? To punish
the most disadvantaged students. Naturally Theresa assumes disadvantaged
students won’t vote and specifically Conservative. Possibly one of the few times
Theresa was actually right about anything, the Conservative vote that is.
The government has admitted that tuition fees are disproportionately affecting
lower-income students. No, really? And yet, despite the Tories’ best efforts,
these poorer students are still enrolling. “How are we ever going to stop them?
We’ve tried and tried, but they won’t cooperate and won’t vote conservative
“Let’s lower tuition fees for courses that are cheaper to run. Those future Labour
plebs could be tricked into taking courses that will never offer proper salaries as
well as more two-year and part-time courses. Otherwise, how will we keep them
in their place? Any other suggestions? We’ve cut benefits, axed educational
maintenance allowances. Come now. Funding for further education is at a thirty-
year low, so what else can we do? Privileged students outnumber those least
advantaged students two to one across the sector. Now that is good news.”
Where’s Boris? Do we care? No, but here is his latest brilliant observation just
so you can feel entertained by the Tories’ idiocy. “A great swollen throbbing
umbilicus of trade.” This ludicrous image is what Boris wants to see between
Britain and the EU. Come on now. All together: words fail.
Brand vs Brand
Manners Anna? Clearly not. When ‘ice queen’, editor-in-chief of American
Vogue Dame Wintour, made a dame by the Queen last year don’t you know, sat
next to the Queen at London Fashion Week, as you know, she kept her Chanel
Now Anna. What did your mum teach you? It’s so rude. Even removing the
Queen from the picture, it’s inexcusable. We all know why we wear sunglasses –
when it isn’t sunny. “What? It’s me. It’s my trademark. I am the only one who
can wear them. The Queen? Oh. Was she there? Oh. I thought it was just
another silly old woman is a silly old Chanel knock-off. Oh right. It was the
Queen then. Darling, who is superior here I ask?”
Evidently Wintour was digging her right hand nails into her left hand. Gosh. The
Queen could be seen genuinely enjoying and engaged in her first foray into the
London fashion world. Lovely. The Queen was there to present the first Queen
Elizabeth II Award for British Design, initiated in recognition of the role the
fashion industry plays for the UK. It will be awarded annually by a member of the
Royal Family to ‘an emerging British fashion designer demonstrating a social
conscience, sustainable policies and displaying exceptional talent and
originality’. Uh oh. Best to choose Princess Ann to avoid – erm – handbags at
dawn. And you know whom I’m talking about.
When Victoria Beckham wears her sunglasses, it’s referencing “It’s A Dark But
Happy Place – also on her T-shirts. What does that say about her? Witty and
fun. Take note Anna.
To the Max
Now seriously, how could we avoid taking the ‘max’ out of Davey, Brexit
Secretary who, grinning ear to ear like a mad man - his perpetual grimace - has
promised with the latest ‘Road to the Bottom’, I mean ‘Road to Brexit’ speech in
Austria that after we leave there will be no “Mad Max-style” race to the bottom.
Reality check: wrong.
Let’s quote the mocking, mad “just call me Mel”: insisting Brexit will not “lead to
an Anglo-Saxon race to the bottom, with Britain plunged into a Mad Max-style
world borrowed from dystopian fiction.” So proud of his smirking cleverness, that
Davey. “I am just so cool. Cooler than even Mel.” So Davey, aka Mad Mel, won’t
be splashing our comparable cash like those massive Hollywood budgets?
Another reality check: the Dutch, who clearly recognise our race to the bottom,
have already taken steps to deal (I know…) with Davey’s Brexit. Border checks,
facilities, 1000 new customer officers. Now what could be wrong with the
picture? It really is beyond farce at this point.
Egg on His Face
Now we surely wouldn’t want Mikey to be ignored with his metaphoric imagery,
would we? Ready? He told the Daily Telegraph that Brexit is all about the timing.
“As with soft boiled eggs, the division between hard and soft can be over-stated.
What we want is a perfectly timed Brexit to ensure that it is neither too hard nor
too soft (still with him? Why?). In that sense a perfectly timed Brexit, if I can
move from eggs to porridge, is a ‘Goldilocks Brexit.’” Sigh. Mikey. It was too
hot/cold porridge, too big chairs, too soft/hard beds. "Someone's been eating
my porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby bear. Hopefully he has
shared his revelation with Brussels.
Mikey, the animal lover. Animals? And here we thought he was only adamant
about the total annihilation of all plastic straws. The number of straws purchased
by Parliament has doubled in the last three years. From 6,000 in 2014/15 to
12,250 in 2016/17. What are they doing with all these straws exactly? Dozens of
senior Tories, including Mikey naturally, have promised to cut down on their
plastic use for Lent. Christ.
Moving on from plastic to furry, the Environment Secretary shows all those dog
pics in his wallet to anyone who is willing to spend more than two minutes with
him. OK. Not really - the photos that is, but no one wants to spend more than two
minutes with him, being the knife-in-the-back kind of guy, i.e. manically
competitive, is refusing to let Labour have the edge in animal cherishing.
Mikey is planning to pay farmers to come up with their own “initiatives” on animal
welfare – oh dear oh dear – and taxpayers will foot the bill naturally. Now what
could be wrong with this picture? Oh say, for starters, even more female piggies
crushed into cramped, inhumane farrowing crates and then there is the practice
of removing calves from their distressed mothers after just 24 hours of life. Clue
here: sentient beings.
And now for Labour’s plans. It would enshrine animal sentience in law.
Remember when Conservatives voted against it? Labour included lobsters and
squid as well. No more boiling alive to screams from the pot. Those evil puppy
farms, the unspeakable dog-fighting, zoo standards, no more barbaric foie gras.
There’s more. They will introduce a whistle blowing procedure for abattoir staff,
and phase out those sow farrowing crates, would strengthen the Hunting Act,
end the pointless, cruel badger cull and totally ban the UK ivory trade. Brilliant. It’
s even appointing an Animal Welfare Commissioner. Notice, no ‘review’
They will make sure policymakers consider animal welfare standards in
legislation, trade deals and such. Mikey panicked. What to do? What to do?
Compassion in World Farming described Labour’s animal welfare plan as
“ground-breaking”. Panic in the Environment office. ‘Dogs are for life, not for
just for Christmas’, so what did Mikey do next? He stole Labour’s plan of course.
He is planning laws to introduce mandatory CCTV in all slaughterhouses by
November 2018. Such a busy little man.
Get the Royal Treatment
Goodness gracious me. Not again? Apparently the Royal Family and Queen
Elizabeth are absolutely ‘livid’ with their royal-in-waiting, Meghan. MM has
decided to make a little cash on the side. Goodness me. We aren’t emptying our
wallets fast enough for the royals then?
MM forgot she was going to be part of the Royal Family in May, rather like
having never heard of Harry? She didn’t see any reason to let the Royal Family
know about her massive skincare empire. Now this actually violates legal
boundaries and uh oh - goes against Royal Family ‘ethics’.
Her miraculous (ha) skin cream is a magical wrinkle "eraser" (come on now –
ha). No air-brushing before/after images involved (ha) and so obvious by the
MM confesses, as all celebrities do about everything inane possible: “My skin
was tight and pretty when I was younger, and I never had any wrinkle problems.
I graduated college without a single wrinkle on my face (darling, no one does at
18). After I met Harry and started appearing in the spotlight (oh, no spotlights in
Hollywood? Really?) I became anxious and stressed, so naturally I started to age
prematurely. (in two months?) Don't be fooled, (oh don’t worry, not a chance)
living a "royal" life isn't all about pampering and comfort most people would
assume. You constantly need to look your best, add in traveling constantly for
our royal duties, plus the pressure from the Royal Family, mixed with the lack of
asleep; it can put a toll on your body (as it does when your ambitions are to be
royal). I'm not complaining, I love my life, but I needed a solution to keep me
looking my best.” Permission to gag here.
If this magical product literally takes 10 to 20 years off women’s appearance in
just a month of use, are we to assume that MM will look 16 within a few months?
In time for the wedding of the century? How thrilling; a royal child bride.
You know all those ‘endorsements’ are coming: “The lines, dark spots, and
wrinkles - without question - were visibly reduced in size right before my eyes!”
“I was astonished by the results, and literally felt 15 years younger again. It was
like watching all my wrinkles and fine lines vanish right off!”
“After 14 days, not only had all my doubts and scepticism absolutely vanished -
SO DID MY WRINKLES!”
Had enough yet? Oh come now, just a few more.
“After five days of using [the product] I was shocked at the drastic results. The
lines on my forehead, the loose, sagging skin on my neck, my crows’ feet –
even the age spots on my face had COMPLETELY disappeared. I've never felt
or seen anything tighten my skin with this kind of force before, no matter how
expensive the product!” Really.
Spoiler alert: Dr Oz, a TV personality in the US who had been ‘questioned’ on
his weight-loss product results when he was called to appear before the Senate’s
consumer protection panel, had always planned to keep this miracle wrinkle
remover secret and only available to his celebrity clients. The story told is that
his team and Meghan miraculously created two products that when combined
miraculously literally took 10 to 20 years off women’s appearance in just a
miraculous month of use. They ‘sold’ all those panicked and desperate to
prevent sagging neck skin on the miraculous product. “More shockingly it is
safe, and cost next to nothing!” MM – a biochemist. Who knew? A miracle
biochemist at that.
And her rival? The new editor of Tatler shares his Ex-Waity memories. Richard
Dennen was at the University of St Andrew at the same time as Ex-W. “She’s
very measured, very controlled…There was this nightclub that everyone went to
called Boujis and she was famous (hmm) for always nipping into the bathroom,
checking her hair and makeup before she left because she knew there were
photographers waiting outside.” Now seriously, what’s not to love? A vacuous
royal. Quelle surprise.
So MM can sell Ex-W her miracle skin creams and Ex-W can charge her for
her very own special hair tricks. Well, why not?