|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
1 December 2018
|As One Door Closes, Another Opens
We knew about how no longer ‘Meghan the Menace’ and now (supposedly)
‘Hurricane Meghan’, had upset the Queen over her foot stomping shouty tiara
demands, but now we know she upset Ex-Waity as well. Who is next? Who is
MM’s most obvious competition? She tried the Queen and rather foolishly
misjudging her on so many levels. Clue: it’s the Queen, Meghan! It’s not your
next job. Clearly that move from Kensington Palace is evidence of the brand no
longer able to pretend it’s all happy families.
Wills and Harry – not so – erm ‘close’. Can’t imagine why, can you? Yes.
Rhetorical question of course. One reason – more later - we have all heard/read
that Hurricane Meghan made steely Ex-W cry. Now that must have been quite
the feat, but it may have been Ex-W’s emotional state after just given birth.
Evidently, an insider tells The Telegraph’s royal follower Camilla Tominey, “Kate
had only just given birth to Prince Louis and was feeling quite emotional.”
The paper said that they had “spoken to two separate sources who claim Kate
was left in tears following a bridesmaids dress fitting for Princess Charlotte.”
Remember the new royal mantra: “Whatever Meghan wants, Meghan gets!” That
includes animosity over a three-year old. Hmm. The woman is a menace.
Harry 'fell out' with Wills as he 'felt he wasn't rolling out the red carpet' for
Meghan following their engagement, sources have claimed. The red carpet as in
Hollywood premier? Harry. She wasn’t a famous even recognisable Hollywood A-
list actress. Uh oh. He didn’t know did he? Hence the row over the red carpet.
Evidently Charles had to ‘step in’ – I know, I know. He threatened Wills with ‘no
kingdom for you’. Joking. Wills was pressed (coerced) to invite Harry and MM to
spend Christmas with them. Now how much fun could that have been? It is
understood that Ex-W has had a number of meetings over tea, how civilised, in
which she has attempted to explain the rules of The Firm to MM – and that her
advice didn’t go down well.
Ex-W is said to have told friends she was very sad about what was happening
and felt that Harry was ‘changing’. Sources say: “She and Harry have always
had a very close relationship, but she said things were different.” Remember all
that giddy laughter over Harry’s ‘jokes’? Gone. No laughing matter now.
This does just go on and on I know, but stay with me here. The same insiders
report that MM's request to use the atomisers to remove the musty smell of St
George's Chapel “did not find favour” with Buckingham Palace. This woman is
becoming seriously comical. All right. Not to her staff.
It was clearly and swiftly pointed out that the chapel was a regular place of
worship for the Queen – you know, The Queen. The chapel was built by
successive monarchs starting with Edward IV in 1475 and completed by Henry
VIII in 1528.
Uh oh. More temptation for MM. With the entire refurbishment of Frogmore
Cottage in progress, the main front porch is to be spared MM’s LA taste. It’s not
what you would imagine. It’s special to the royal family which immediately means
MM will be – erm – demanding her version of it surely. There is a story here. A
visiting tsar had used a diamond ring to scratch his name on a pane of glass.
Time to have a word with MM. H i s t o r y.
There have also been suggestions that Meghan and Harry are proving unpopular
with royal staff, and can be difficult and 'dictatorial'. Really!?
Now for the good bits, although the air-freshener demands were quite good
weren’t they? No mention of MM’s other demands such as any kind of
refurbishing… yet. The staff reportedly gossip, oh how could they resist for
more than 20 seconds? about Harry and MM with some actually speculating the
union could be over within five years. Quelle surprise? Mai non.
We know MM’s former PA, Melissa Touabti - who previously worked for Robbie
Williams — quit just six months after the wedding and she isn’t saying why!
Then there was Harry’s long-standing private secretary, Ed Lane Fox, who also
left his job earlier this year. And – then there was deputy communications
secretary Katrina McKeever who left in September. Three down, more to go?
Possibly those who don’t want to be rudely awakened at 5am every morning.
Watch this space. OK. Don’t. Do you really care?
But we do care about that £5m a year we will have to hand over to protect The
Menace from the menacing or is it protect the menaced from The Menace? Must
we ask how much money the royals have? Not necessary is it. We already
splashed our cash on the wedding -£3.4million. We do subsidise their
unrestrained extravagant lifestyle with £345 million a year. Are we thinking that
£56,000 sheer (huh?) engagement dress? Yes. Let’s repeat that: £56,000. As
regards to ‘sheer’, it was the dress she felt “most comfortable in”. Hints of what’s
We Are All in This Farce Together
Oh happy days. Oh happy families. Not. Not. Oh Theresa. Should we be paying
more attention to your nose – as in the lengthening of? Or your pants – as in
‘liar, liar, pants on fire’? Brexit will pay for the NHS. Oh dear oh dear. Not that
plot ploy again?
Then the ‘we will all be happy together’ – Theresa. Never! The country is now
totally divided. It is irreconcilable. Families have broken up over Brexit.
Friendships have ended. And she is going to ‘go around the country’ for the next
two weeks as an agony-aunt trying to convince people. Hint: hide. Isn’t it all
utterly ironic that Theresa is going to the people for support – or to scare
monger – when she adamantly refused to give in to a second referendum – you
know – the people’s vote?
Even with her new PR person and ‘hit squad’, or should I simply say salesmen?
This is just so transparently pathetic! So undignified for a prime minister. ‘On the
road again’ with phone-ins, speeches and rallies. Planning to hand out more
peerages – eh – Theresa? Uh oh. Not in the plan. Newly-knighted Sir John
Hayes said they’d vote against the deal. Don’t forget handing out those pricey
Christmas hampers, Theresa.
And then there is ‘the debate’. Audible sigh here. Really? Jeremy acting all
passionate as an avowed Brexiteer searching for a Brexit solution, Theresa a
closet Remainer determined to be a rabid Brexiteer. Can’t wait. They will both be
lying and evasive – as they are. Clue: rhetorical ideology. So what’s not to like?
Everything clearly. End of. Have the remote to hand I should think.
Leave it to Mark Carney, you know, the Bank of England governor, if you have
been hiding with the curtains closed, who told you what the actual reality would
be with Brexit.
OK. OK. A few convincing details of our impending future. Simply: a disorderly
Brexit would/will be “worse than financial crisis”. The Bank of England has
warned a no-deal Brexit would send the pound plunging and trigger a worse
recession than the financial crisis. Remember that? I thought not. The economy
could shrink by 8% in the immediate aftermath of leaving the EU, creating the
worst slump since WWII if there was no transition period,
Unemployment would almost double, from the current rate of just over 4% to
7.5%... property prices would fall by as much as 30%... while commercial
property prices could plunge by 42%. Gosh! And! the pound could fall by as
much as 25%, which would see it be worth less than the dollar. But the fanatical
Bexiteers call these assessments ‘scare mongering’. What’s scary is that they
exist at all. Those fixated Brexiteers obviously.
And how did Moggy posing as the representative for the 19thy century respond?
(otherwise known as Jacob Rees-Mogg of course). He lost all credibility, respect
and self-possession by branding the bank governor a "second-tier Canadian
politician who failed to get on in Canadian politics and got a job in the UK". Oh
goodness gracious me, Moggy. He told Sky News: "I don't think he's greatly
respected and he's been deeply politicised to the damage of the Bank of
England's reputation." Oh Moggs. Not very nice. Is that ‘gentlemanly’ façade
slipping? Hmm. It already has.
Carney isn’t the only one of course. A report was conducted by the highly
respected (take note here) and independent (take note here) National Institute
for Economic and Social Research (NIESR) claims Theresa’s Brexit deal will
cost the UK the equivalent of losing the economic output of Wales or the City of
London. Gasping! According to the study, this would be an average cost of more
than £1,000 a person. Does that include children then?
House of Commons Speaker John Bercow said he would consider whether the
government has acted in "contempt" of parliament if it continues to refuse to
publish the full legal advice on the withdrawal agreement. Are you listening,
Theresa? Oh Theresa….
Theresa’s response to the Donald’s rejection of trade deals with Little England:
“As regards the United States, we’ve already been talking to them about the sort
of agreement we could have with them.” Yes. With Oklahoma. Yes. That
Oklahoma – that state in the US.
Tory MP for two decades, Owen Patterson has been in Oklahoma, although
possibly he’s still there playing cowboys and Indians. “Yo, here. I am one of the
good guys. I went to Cambridge, dude!” Yes, that US state that produces
massive tornadoes and guess. Come on. OK. I’ll help here. One word –
hormones. Second word – beef. Ah ha! Really positive discussions on the future
of UK/Oklahoma trade relationship. Did I mention Owen was the Secretary of
State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs from 2012-14?
Words fail. But here are his if you can bear it: he’s been having “really positive
discussions on our future trade relationship with the state.” This without any
authority I might add. Warned you. Oh. And surely you know Oklahoma doesn’t
make its own trade deals – and – it has an economy smaller than Iraq with its
population less than half the size of London.
The UK can not accept those chlorinated chickens during the interminable
transition. Oh oops. And, as Whitehall's own Brexit impact assessment showed,
a trade deal with the US would only be worth 0.2% of GDP. Come on: ha!
This excruciatingly embarrassing farce hinges on how the process of revoking
Article 50 works. Whatever the provisional verdict on 4 December is - a non-
binding but indicative update on the European Court's thinking before a full
verdict is reached - will have huge implications for what happens next.
Santa Clause is Coming to Town
Be of good cheer or be a scrooge. The Royal Mail is in a jolly mood. They are
installing singing postboxes when you post a card, presuming a Christmas card
naturally, you will be immediately put in a Christmassy mood. Hopefully. I’m
thinking dependent on the song really.
As well as the sound of sleigh bells, a jolly message from Santa Claus will greet
you from inside the postbox. No information released on what he actually says.
Could “HO HO HO! Have you been good this year?” confuse or scare little
Four of them are being launched so far; London, Cardiff, Belfast and Edinburgh.
Look out for postboxes adorned with snowflakes unless the idea is simply so
annoying you are willing to walk to the next one.