|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
8 December 2018
|A Raw Deal
Third time lucky. Oh oops. Not this time, Theresa. "May suffers worst Commons
defeats by PM in 40 years" notes the Times. Is there a dolt in the room, I mean
an adult in the room? We know yes for the former, but no for the latter – clearly.
Oh wait, here’s Dragon Den’s Deborah Meaden. “I warn against this when doing
deals all the time. Ending up accepting a position you would never have
accepted at the start… simply because you are intent on completing the deal…
this madness needs to stop before we break our beautiful country.” Oh look.
There’s Keir Starmer. Phew.
In Theresa’s interview with the Mail on Sunday she shared with us her love for
peanut butter. Now that is truly crucial to know. It’s her favourite coping strategy:
“One of my little indulgences, I have to confess, is peanut butter. Either on toast,
or just a spoon. But I don’t spend the entire day doing it.” What? OK really.
Peanut butter is an indulgence? Alert all children. On a spoon? Now that is
indulgent. Is it silver? But – this is the best bit – she doesn’t spend the entire day
We have the naughty field run and now this. Oh Theresa. You are sooo radical!
Where would we be without a royal Christmas story? Just fine thank you.
However, here is one anyway. Wills and Ex-Waity failed to attend a board
meeting of the Royal Foundation this week. They lead the foundation together
with Harry and MM. Not this cheery Christmas year.
The fab-four? Finished. A source revealed: “Not only were Harry and Meghan
there, but they went to the staff Christmas party afterwards. It was a very jolly
affair. It's a shame that William and Catherine did not turn up.” Staff party?
Really? No mention if any of the staff turned up when they heard the newly nasty
Harry and the continually nasty – (rude, demanding, dictatorial) MM had plans to
ruin the party. A source reminds us: “Harry has got very dictatorial of late, which
hasn't made things easy at times. Harry has been throwing his weight around”.
Weight on his new Meghan vegan diet?
Apparently according to The Sun, a royal source claims that “Harry is accusing
William of trying to wreck his relationship with Meghan. He often sees criticism
or negativity where there isn’t any. The friction between the two apparently
started when William tried to give Harry some brotherly advice about the
Canadian (no, American) actress, back when their romance was still fairly new.”
However, the brotherly chat went down badly with one friend saying that Harry
“went mental”. Goodness me. The friend added that the relationship between the
two has never really recovered since. The source, who doesn’t love ‘a source’?
also revealed that the boys are competing against each other over palace
appointments. Oh dear oh dear. A right battle royal then. This is all getting a bit
Let’s review last Christmas. Oh come on now. You know you want to. One ‘well-
placed source’ says the happy family occasion was marred by a ‘ghastly row’
between the couples. ‘Ghastly’? Oh this is serious now isn’t? A senior royal aide,
now this is serious, has revealed that the atmosphere at Anmer soured shortly
after Harry and his then fiancée had arrived, and Meghan was judged to have
been ‘downright rude’.
Hmm. Well, will they… they won’t all spend Christmas together at Sandringham?
Some say yes some say no. I say do we care at all? Answer: yes if only for the
inevitable ‘ghastly’ rows…no if we have a life to live.
Just when the Firm was seemingly successfully selling the young&modern royal
brand to those who were silly, stupid enough to be seduced by such tosh. Not
now. Oh dear oh dear.
Comedy of Errors
Oh not the BBC again!? You won’t believe this – or you shouldn’t. BBC is
presenting Meghan the Musical. Yes. Oh yes, that Meghan. A radio musical
comedy (huh?) based on the life of the Duchess of Sussex called The Sixth in
Line to be King and I. The ‘Rogers and Hammerstein-inspired’ piece will air on
New Year’s Day on Radio 4. It will look (look? It’s on the radio) at Meghan’s life
and her future. Wait here – for sooo many reasons. Let’s do the obvious:
comedy. Does the BBC not follow the news? The 15-minute piece is described
as an “inspired celebration of Meghan Markle’s life to date”. Celebration? Why?
How? Oh this is so embarrassing – or should be. What is going on there? They
are now right-wing sycophants and isn’t that enough? Really?
The Elephant in the Room
Ah, veganism. Vegans want any referencing to animals deleted forever. No more
‘put all your eggs in one basket’ or ‘bringing home the bacon’. That’s breakfast
done and dusted.
Peta released a list of suggested phrases that should be changed to become
more “animal friendly”. 'Flog a dead horse' is not nice – oh, but the horse is
Here are their suggestions:
• “Bring home the bacon” becomes “bring home the bagels”
• “Killing two birds with one stone” becomes “feeding two birds with one scone”
• “Flog a dead horse” becomes “feed a fed horse”
• “Hold your horses” becomes “hold the phone”
• “Let the cat out of the bag” becomes “spill the beans”
• “All your eggs in one basket” becomes “all your berries in one bowl”
• “Open a can of worms” becomes “open Pandora’s box”
• “Be the guinea pig” becomes “be the test tube”
• “Taking the bull by the horns” becomes “taking the flower by the thorns”
• “More than one way to skin a cat” becomes “more than one way to peel a
OK. We get skinning a cat – ouch! Not nice, but letting it out of the bag can’t be
bad, can it? And letting worms free to slither?
Animal rights activists: “Teaching students to use animal-friendly language can
cultivate positive relationships between all beings and help end the epidemic of
youth violence toward animals.” Did we know there was an epidemic of youth
violence toward animals? Really?
Possibly the fact that animals are sentient beings would help prevent holding the
horses or taking the bull by the horns or getting your goat. As if you could. Best
to let sleeping dogs lie.
A Mind of One’s Own
Yoga. What is it about yoga? American yoga. Actress yoga. Solipsistic yoga.
Now who could this possibly be about? You win the yoga Oscar. Gwynnie – and
let’s not forget Meghan. A 3,000 year old practice to improve the body and –
erm – mind – uh oh, not the mind when you come from Hollywood – or probably
“I’ve always been the person who introduces wellness ideas into the culture, and
I can see by pattern recognition that people eventually come round.”
Where to start? OK. Let’s do ‘the’ person rather than ‘a’ person as in the other
thousands who have – erm – introduced wellness ideas. Oh dear oh dear.
Bypassing Gwynnie’s delusion we move on to ‘pattern recognition’. All together
now: what!!!??? what the hell is ‘the’ person on about?
Time to enjoy bits from her farcical quotes. You might want to sit down. We
know she loves to go on and on about herself. Gwynnie has been called: a
crackpot – really? who says that? Crackpot?? Hmm. A freak – OK so far. A
fucking psycho – and why exactly? A witch – oh please! She simply could have
stopped with the obvious: solipsistic – one of her favourite new words a few
years back, narcissistic, dim, boring – over to you.
Maybe it’s just me, but I went to Gwynnie’s Goop site, and now I’m desperate for
slip-on sock sneakers by Stella McCartney for £485, a funnel-neck pullover
sweater for £259 and a natural (?) brass agave basin incense burner for £132.
Just kidding, but the prices aren’t are they?
I simply can’t resist. Sorry in advance. In the Wall Street Journal magazine she
said: “That (ie; her father’s diagnosis of throat cancer in 1998) was the
beginning of people thinking I was a crackpot (there’s that word again). Like - oh
no, not the ‘like’ – ‘like’ a crackpot? “What do you mean food can affect your
health, you fucking psycho.” Getting concerned here.
Oh Gwynnie. Clues: nutritionists…you are what you eat… And try Adelle Davis
who was an American author and nutritionist, considered "the most famous
nutritionist in the early to mid-20th century…as an advocate for improved health
through better nutrition.” Not all. “She wrote an early textbook on nutrition in
1942, followed by four best-selling books for consumers which praised the value
of natural foods and criticised the diet of the average American. Her books sold
over 10 million copies and helped shape America's eating habits.” Earth to
And now for yoga. I know, I know. But it is so outrageous it is hard to ignore. So
here she is: “I remember when I started doing yoga. And people were like –
argh! not the ‘like’ again?, like what is yoga? She’s a witch. She’s a freak.”
At least she didn’t spell it for us. But she did in a yoga class in LA.”I went to a
yoga class in LA recently and the 22-year old girl (how does she know that? Oh
right. That’s what witches can do – know things) behind the counter was like – I
have to do this: like!!!??? ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ and Iiterally (really
– literally?) I turned to my friend and I was like (oh like make her stop), “You
have this job because I have done yoga before.” Oh dear.
“I am so happy to suffer those slings and arrows (of outrageous fortune? huh?)
because if you look at the culture from then to now, people are so curious.”
Evidently she doesn’t live with her new husband due to her fear of step-children.
Hmm. Beginning to question her sanity. Someone should. No really before those
slings and arrows are used and oh no, not that fire at the stake….
Viva la Revolution
Well, it’s about time. Finally! People suffering from the sadism of the Tories have
noticed when their children were hungry. In Cornwall someone looked up the
definition of revolution: ‘a change in the way a country is governed, usually to a
different political system and often using violence or war’. Oh, that’s France isn’t
Nonetheless, a Cornwall community organiser, Kathrine See, told The Canary:
The fact that 130 people came out on a dark, wet December evening to find out
how they can take action in their communities shows that the people of Cornwall
have had enough of Tory austerity and are ready and willing to unite together
and fight. The revolution in Cornwall started tonight. Together we can shift the
balance of power in this country back into the hands of the many.”
And a few facts to consider: Conservative policy has devastated Cornwall. Who
knew? Beautiful, picturesque, tourist-visited Cornwall? 17 neighbourhoods in the
county “are among the most deprived in England”. That summer destination? In
2016, over a quarter of Cornish children were identified as living in poverty.
What? Cornwall also has the third highest rate of homelessness in the country.
According to the revolutionaries, 30% of those who attended the Cornwall
meeting weren’t even Labour Party members, and a quarter were under 30. Viva