2 April 2017
April's Fools                      

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Spoiler alert: rant coming.
OK. We’re going out. We’re leaving. We’re waving good-bye and hello to Little
xenophobic Britain. Wave the flags.

Non-elected (yes, we do have to remember that) PM Theresa May told her
European partners seven times – this needs repeating doesn’t it? Seven times!
that she wanted a “deep and special partnership” with the EU. Oh really. And
Brussels’ response?  “Oh really….” Donald Tusk, the president of the European
Council issued a terse acknowledgment and said he would publish draft
guidelines for the negotiations shortly. She also tried to blackmail them with her
threat to not cooperate with Europe on crime and security if she doesn’t get a
deal to please all those right-wingers she is beholden to. Ah. What’s not to like
about Theresa? Hmmm. Even trying to name one thing to like is not only difficult,
it’s impossible.

She told us to “Come together now". Oh really now. The country is divided – not
just Leave vs Remain, but Scotland, Ireland and Wales…what about them? Oh
dear. Theresa has promised to do what’s best for every person in Britain. Yes.
It's that time to roll on the floor, legs in the air, arms-hugging-chest laughing –
and laughing and laughing.

Patrick Cockburn wrote in the
i: “What makes this new English nationalism so
dangerous post Brexit is that it is deeply felt but incoherent and comes with little
self-knowledge…an English nation state…seeking to return to mythical
England…its terminal date about 1960…” Clear? Hear all those Leavers
chanting: “We want our old blue passports back! We want our old blue
passports back!”

If you are cavalierly ignoring his astute opinion, taking a practical view, you will
need more cash to splash. Here are a few of the items that have increased in
price. Ready? Crisps, fish fingers, beer, gravy, Wetabix, wine, Prosecco,
champagne, chocolate, speakers – wait. Speakers? Yessss. The Play:1 speaker
went from £169 to £199, while the price of the Play:5 rose by £70 to £499. The
price of the Star Wars Death Set with a price hike of £20 to £419.99. The price
increase was because of the “continued devaluing of the UK pound”.
Presumably you can discover all the other increases when you shop for Apple,
Lego, ad inf. Oh joy. It’s only the beginning don’t you know.

Theresa’s arrogant ‘power grab’ or the controversial Henry VIII clauses should
surely cause a riot, but doubtless will. The 26 per cent of the country who voted
Leave bang on about saving democracy. Ha. Parliament debates? Ha. Changes
to European Union law will be decided by our autocratic government. Evidently
there can be no ‘question time’ in cabinet meetings. MPs are forbidden to
question the Empress. Who doesn’t love a democracy? If you were wondering:
the omnipresent Nige is planning to move to Europe if Brexit is unsuccessful.

Pull the Other One

Were those clever lads at the Daily Mail who created the now infamous cover
featuring the legs of Nicola Sturgeon and Theresa – legless when they made that
pathetically misogynistic decision? Oh come now. You just know anyone who
saw it and was annoyed, even furious had to think of all those ‘leg’ phrases such
as: ‘pull the other one’ – ‘break a leg’ – ‘not a leg to stand on’ – ‘on her last legs’
- ‘have a leg up’ – are we having fun yet? – ‘costs an arm and a leg’ - ‘get a leg
over’ – ‘does it have legs’. OK. Let’s do appropriate ones: they should have their
tail between their legs, those leg men.

Two leaders of the Western world – curiously female – ah so rare and what do
those idiots do? Quelle surprise. They focused on their legs. Missed the hair
then? And no, it’s not ‘boys will be boys’. It’s ‘boys will be muppets’. It reminds
us just how anachronistic the
Daily Mail is. On its last leg? Not a chance.

The woman who ‘steered’ her equally, terminally repugnant husband, Michael
Gove, to the ‘top of his career’, Sarah Vine – you know, that nasty anti-feminist
woman (oh dear, I’m insulting women) has spewed out 500 words on ‘the legs’
for her
Daily Mail.

Vine believes that yesterday’s meeting between the Theresa and Nicola was ‘a
knockout victory for the PM’. Because of Theresa’s adamant arguments? No.
Because Theresa is ‘stateswomanlike’ because of her ‘stylish navy jacket’,
‘patterned dress’ and ‘trademark leopard-print heels’ and ‘classic red nails’. But
what stands out about this meeting between two of the most powerful people in
the country ‘are the legs — and the vast expanse on show.’ So being a proper
fashionista qualifies a woman for public office then? Gnashing to teeth would be
appropriate here.

Vine goes on… “There is no doubt that both women consider their pins to be the
finest weapon in their physical arsenal. Consequently, both have been
unsheathed. May’s famously long extremities (Theresa’s legs are ‘long’ because
her torso is so short) are demurely arranged in her customary finishing-school
stance – knees tightly together, calves at a flattering diagonal, feet neatly
aligned. It’s a studied pose that reminds us that for all her confidence, she is
ever the vicar’s daughter, always respectful and anxious not to put a foot wrong.”

As for Nicola’s little legs? Do stop reading when you simply can’t stand another
minute of Vine’s right-wing ridiculousness. “Sturgeon’s shorter but undeniably
more shapely shanks are altogether more flirty, tantalisingly crossed, with the
dominant leg pointing towards her audience. It’s a direct attempt at seduction:
her stiletto is not quite dangling off her foot, but it could be. ‘Come, succumb to
my revolutionary allure,’ she seems to be saying. ‘You know you want to.’" Ew!
Clearly Vine finds her own musings utterly enthralled. I do believe Vine has
crossed the ‘creepy-line’. And her husband is…just saying.

Oops. Nicola presented herself sans legs as she wrote to Theresa to formally
request a second Scottish independence referendum. See similar image of
Margaret Thatcher. Oh Nicola. Bad PR advice.

Moving House?

Where would we be without daily reporting on H&M? No not that H&M, that H&M:
Harry and Meghan. The press obsession. It’s Harry-in-a-hurry. We know that
Prince Harry has been desperate, alright, frantic to find a wife. No more naked
orgies for Harry, it’s all happy families…in Kensington Palace that is.

We know that Harry tried it with a British actress, but she may have had a
boyfriend, although that isn’t the point, Harry was seeing Meghan at the same
time, but evidently hadn’t shared that fact with MM. But no worries. When a
prince comes along….

Harry is anxious to move in with American actress Meghan Markle. I know, you
know who she is and why you know. It’s been reported that he is so desperate
that he is at the site every day asking when their Kensington Palace apartments
will be ready.

At the recent wedding they attended, according to Judi James, an expert in
examining body language, all is not perfection. According to James, Harry’s
body language suggests that he’s getting tired of his new romance. “In a
nutshell, he looks bored and distant and she’s trying to get his attention. Meghan
is very much trying to signal them as a trophy couple, but he’s not playing ball.”
People at the wedding reported the same. We did say.

Given how Harry sounded thrilled about the relationship last November, James
expected to see the couple very much in love. “I don’t think we can put this down
to royal protocol in any way, shape or form. He does actually appear to be
ignoring her but she’s trying to turn it into a passionate, me-and-my-trophy-man
kind of shot. She’s very much trying to make them look like a couple here, even
with that half-smile on her face. It’s a very loved-up look…Harry looked a little
awkward in the situation as he talked with the other guys in the group.” I think we
got the message here. Clearly Harry has plans regardless.

Acting the Fool

What was the most excruciating quote of the week? Forget Theresa; she’s on
tape and Boris is busy entertaining himself. It was – arghhhh - Jeremy Hunt.
The Health Secretary actually asked a Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)
campaigner, Nimco Ali, whether “girls like you” can still have an orgasm.

She has claimed Hunt found her through a Google search and that he had no
idea about FGM at the time. Well, he clearly knew enough to ask such a
ludicrous, crass, unforgivable question didn’t he? A Health Secretary? Those
thousands of potential FGM victims will be thrilled. Fool? The man is an idiot. An
alarmingly dangerous idiot at that.
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