LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
4 April 2013
April Fools


  • Cold Play more popular than the Beatles who were more popular than
    Jesus. OFGS! Surely this is an April Fools joke. Not laughing. Cold Play?
    Worthy winners of anything? Surely not! Their Rush of Blood to the Head
    won the BBC pole of all time favourite albums. Clearly the voters needed
    more oxygen in the blood to their brains. Fools.

  • Well, I dunno; heir to a Baronet, educated at one of Britain’s most
    expensive private schools, a member of the exclusive and infamous
    Bullingdon club at Oxford, £30 million in the bank, Tory Chancellor George
    Osborne has gone all working class don cha know.

    GO has slipped, as the slippery git he is, from his normal Received
    Pronunciation (approved cut glass accent) to his newly acquired
    Estuarine accent. Oh George. Drinking a cup of tea at supermarket
    Morrison's distribution centre, GO was there to share his elitist position on
    his Dickensian benefits reforms.

    Examples: if you Briddish wanna work... wannit... outta work... twenny...
    we've'ad'a... ad nauseum. An abscence of 'ts', replaced by 'ds', dropping
    the 'gs' in 'ing'. Oh George.

    Public speaking expert Caroline Goyder has trained news presenters,
    barristers, MPs. She is writing a book on the importance of voice in
    power: “It is completely different to any speech I’ve heard him make
    before. There are tensions even within the speech - when he’s speaking
    the speech-writer’s words he gets uncomfortable and falls into this
    Estuarine accent because he’s not comfortable with the message and the
    policy. It’s was fascinating to watch.”

    His voice still remains annoyingly high-pitched regardless of his attempts
    to exude authority by trying to lower it.

    GO has not only altered his accent (which seems quite American - the
    use of 'ds' rather than 'ts'), he has gone all American monosyllabic.
    American pollster whose speciality is political phrasemaking, Frank Luntz,
    was invited by GO to inspire Tory MPs at an away-day to keep it simple:
    use small words. Keep it simple, keep people simple and stupid. After all,
    wadda they know anyways....

    With 7 new classes replacing the traditional 3, where oh where do we put
    George now?

  • Aspiring to the new 'elite' class, look-at-me Pippa Middleton has told
    London Mayor: "Bring it on, Boris." Bring it on....really.

    Writer supremo Pippa has suggested in the conservative magazine, The
    Spectator: "Back home in London after my Alpine challenges, I can now
    pursue less demanding hobbies in my spare time, such as ping-pong.

    I’m informed (how la di da) that Boris Johnson, former editor of this
    magazine, wants to be ‘whiff-whaff’ world king even more than he wants to
    be prime minister. (Cue tittering)

    I’m also told the Johnsons are almost as competitive as the Middletons. So
    I’d like to lay down a challenge to the Mayor.

    My only stipulation is that I can use my favourite Dunlop Blackstorm
    Nemesis bat, which I used when I played in the Milton Keynes U13
    National Championships, don’t you know. Bring it on, Boris."

    If she beats Boris, will she offer to teach him how to make ice cubes or
    suggest candles for a birthday party?

    Sporty (ie thick) Pippa isn't satisfied having reduced the numbers of
    Waitrose customers with her silly articles in their monthly magazine, she's
    determined to cash in on as much publicity and attention as she can
    create before 'the baby' is born and Pippa is left asking everyone who will
    listen: 'does my bum look good in this?'

  • Over 400,000 have signed a petition in 4 days to get Work and Pensions
    Secretary, Ian Duncan Smith, to live on £53 a week as he has claimed he
    could do "if I had to". Hopefully he will - have to. IDS calls it 'a complete
    stunt'.

    But he must move to a council flat in a tower block with mildew on the
    mattress, the lift in need of repair and loads of scary killer dogs.

    He knows "what it is like to live on the breadline." Breadline? Did IDS
    mean queuing at Gail's or Paul's for a £5 loaf? That reduces his weekly
    allowance to £48 for the trebled utilities/transport/food. Basically £7 a day
    - or two cafe lattes - unless he spends a bit of his £134,565 yearly salary
    putting his money where his mouth is.

    IDS will spending the night in his £2m Tudor 4 bed house with tennis
    courts and a swimming pool until he is dragged out.

    Alex Hern in the New Statesman revealed IDS's parliamentary expenses:
    £110 on a Bluetooth headset for his car, £12.42 on a USB cable. Writes
    Hern: "His monthly phone bill has been over £53 every month in the latest
    financial year, so that's another week each month he can't eat, travel, heat
    his house or really do anything." Not exactly fool proof.

    “It's never permitted to be surprised at the aberrations of born fools,”
    Henry James.
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