17 December 2016
An Act of God

First we had PM Theresa following orders from God and now we have – ready –
Justin Bieber. Oh. You know that already.

We know what TM’s God is instructing her in Christian charity, with results that
aren’t very – well, Christian - are they? And I don’t mean her shocking revenge
antics in regards to those ridiculous £995 leather trousers. You can though.

JB is now following the Bible religiously. Sorry. He is holding Bible study groups
during his Purpose world tour. Purpose? I’m afraid to think what ‘purpose’. Oh
please say it isn’t religious instruction. Spreading ‘the word’ and all that.

You know I don’t have to say the obvious. Nevertheless: God told him – guess –
to change his ways of course. “I was pretty lost and woke up one morning and
felt like God was telling me something.” “Oh Justin. Wake up. Can you get me
extra tickets? You know. Jesus and the family.”

Justin claims he now wants to live like Jesus. Tricky that. Easter could prove
pivotal. Hmmm. “Not be Jesus – I could never- I don’t want that to come across
weird.” Justin. You are; he’s dead and let’s not forget, son of God and all that

Let’s offer him a few ideas: Jesus/Justin could give all his money away. Or
Jesus/Justin could follow that mind-manipulating-mantra: ‘what would Jesus do?’
but then, where would his music career fit into the Jesus narrative exactly? No
worries. Surely God will let him know – soon.

“He created a pretty awesome template of how to love people and how to be
gracious and kind. If you believe it, he died for our sins.” Oh well then,
Jesus/Justin knows he can’t literally be him – dead and all. Bless.

Clearly James Blunt hasn’t received messages from God: "If you thought 2016
was bad - I'm releasing an album in 2017". Jesus – noooooooooo!

It’s Crackers

The i listed the top 10 Christmas cracker jokes. Such as they are. Can you
guess the answers? First test: How will Christmas dinner be different after
Brexit? Oh really. You know the answer. No
Brussels, of course. Second test:
What do workers at Sports Direct get for dinner? Come on now.
About five
. See. Easier than you thought. Third test: How do you recognise a
Christmas tree from BHS? Yes.
All the branches have gone. Leaping (geddit?
‘Lords a…’) to number ten: What’s the difference between the clementine and
Donald Trump? Oh really. Nothing.
They’re both a little orange. Now you know
why it came in last. Let’s try another one. Prince Philip looks out of the window
on Christmas Eve: “That’s some reindeer.” The Queen replies: “63 years. Yes,
that is a lot.” Oh dear. At least you will be able to groan on your own.

Wonders Will Never Cease

Wonder Woman has been dropped as UN ambassador.  Ambassador? Huh?
Ambassador? Really? Yes. Honorary ambassador for young girls and women.
Really. A comic ‘heroine’? Really.

45,000 protested via a petition while dozens of employees protested at UN
headquarters. The petition stated: “Although the original creators (of Linda
Carter on telly in the 1970’s) may have intended Wonder Woman represent a
strong independent ‘warrior’ woman with a feminist message, the reality is that
the character’s current iteration is that of a large-breasted, white woman of
impossible proportions.” And let’s not forget ‘scantily-clad’.

The best ‘protest’ of an anti-feminist images was on Channel 4’s Gogglesprogs.
All the children’s reaction to a ‘strong, feminist’ image was perfect. I wish I could
remember the specific programme they were reviewing, but I only caught the
episode whilst changing channels. They all asked why the woman was wearing a
bathing suit when the men were fully dressed. They said they wouldn’t watch the
show because of skimpy pants. Ah. Victory. Children are clearly more
intelligent, wise, rational, discerning than adults. No surprise there.

It’s a Girl Thing

I’m thinking the children wouldn’t be fooled by the FA’s suggestion that to
increase appeal to girls, female football players should – be prepared – be
provided with pink! whistles, colourful bibs that “smell nice” – gag-reflex here.
“Smell nice”! So sexist. So regressive. So creepy. So 1953.

Not creepily insulting enough, the FA went on to suggest teams use “female-
friendly branding and colouring” and introduce slogans such as “Get in shape
with a mate” or “Get together with the girls”. Oh, and lighter balls. I know. Well, it
was their suggestion.

Gag, gag, gag. 75 percent of 15-year-old girls wanted to be more physically
active. No mention of bribery-by-pink and smelling ‘nice’, naturally. The FA said
they were merely following their research. Right. “Allow girls the time to check
their phones within a session or incorporate a Twitter break”, so that the pink-
preferring-girls can tweet about the session. No really. And mandatory selfies?
Oh yes. And they would need time to check their hair.
Young female players’ response: they accused the almost exclusively male FA
of treating them as “brainless Barbie dolls.” Dame Heather Rabbatts DBE
became The FA’s first female board member when she was appointed in 2012.
So, where was she when these brainless-Barbie recommendations were made
then? Missing while shopping for pink shoes and a matching pink handbag? Oh
we do hope not.

Students in Durham wrote to the chief executive, (let’s name him) Martin Glenn,
saying they found these ideas “insulting”. One added: “What on earth are you
playing at?” Perfectly put.

It’s sport, you bloody idiots! Not a hen-do – which is bad enough.

Help Getting a Foothold

We love you Rio Ferdinand. The ex-Manchester United defender donated
£500,000 worth of Christmas toys in Manchester.

Rio made the generous offer on behalf of himself and his Italian restaurant
Rosso to the 'Cash for Kids' campaign; the official charity of Manchester radio
station Key 103.

Rio said: he “'couldn't bear' to think of any child going without a gift on
Christmas Day…We're not looking for a thank you, we're just trying to help
people out.” Time for thunderous applause here. “Manchester has got to get
behind what we are doing. We are trying to help people.” And again…with
maybe a few “Rio! Rio! Rio!”

The Cash for Kids Mission Christmas campaign provides help for children living
in poverty or have suffered abuse, deprivation or neglect. The charity said: “We
can't tell you what a difference this is going to make.”

Rio didn’t stop there. He also donated 11,500 sleeping bags to the city's
homeless community. Tissues?

Rio established his charity in 2009. The Rio Ferdinand Live the Dream
Foundation aims to support young people from economically deprived
communities break into sports and entertainment careers. All together now: “Rio!
We love you!”

Are we thinking he did this on his own; no instructions from God?

The Last Supper

“Please Sir, can I have some more?” “Absolutely not! You can’t, Theresa!” Not
only was PM Theresa refused to be included in the dinner, she was totally
blanked, snubbed, ‘given the cold shoulder’, left out, oh yes and humiliated.

Having seen the tape at least 15 times, you must know that Theresa was
intentionally demeaned when she was banned by EU leaders from an annual
end of year dinner in Brussels.

European Council, President Donald Tusk, deliberately did not invite Theresa to
attend the gathering with the other 27 leaders of the EU, despite previously

To set out Britain’s position on Brexit after dinner, she was forced to wait until
the very end, with one witness saying Theresa was only allowed to speak “long
after the waiters were waiting to clear the dishes away”. Oh no! Not the naughty

We saw TM, head down, fidgeting with her cuff for an interminable 11 seconds,
searching for someone to give her a bon-ami-back-pat, an air-kiss, a smile -
which were going on around her. Theresa gave up and took her seat at the table
ahead of Brussels summit. Awkward? To say the very least.

Although world leaders aren’t known for their – erm, maturity – are they?
Theresa responded vindictively with Trouser-Gate and Tusk responded to Brexit
with equal vindictiveness. But if you have seen the cringe-making tape, you have
to feel empathy for the woman – regardless of how hard that is. You know.
Christmas charity et al.

You Have Been Warned

Spoil alert - transformation coming. Labour ‘leader’ – Jeremy Corbyn is about to
have a make-over. Oh dear, oh dear. We’ll only have a few weeks of the old
Jeremy, if only. I’m not referencing his age – really – just his ‘old’ politics circa

A new image consultant has been brought in for the “image relaunch”. Hmmm.
How exactly? He has had the same scruffy beard since he when? 1965? Will
our New & Improved Jeremy address Aleppo, Brexit, corporate tax-avoidance,
the NHS, prisons, social care? The list of his seeming indifference is endless.
Jeremy. Clue: you’re the opposition party – so oppose. Oh right. Labour isn’t a
proper party; it’s a protest party. Silly me.

Perhaps he’ll get a new homage-to-Mao cap. Perhaps another tie. Oh. Two
might be too many. He will appear more frequently on telly. Oh joy. He will be
impressing us with his left-wing populism. Oh I just can’t wait. They will make him
into a revolutionary figure. Oh I just can’t wait. Now that Castro is dead, there is
a vacuum. A pity JC now has suits, instead of revolutionary fatigues. Tut, tut.
What to do? What to do? Oh I just can’t wait.
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