|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
21 January 2017
|All Trumped Up
OK, OK he’s done the deal. He’s President. But let’s backtrack a bit for our
amusement. Our favourite knife-in-the-back wielding sacked politician, Michael
Gove is being endlessly praised for scooping the first interview with The Donald
before he became Mr President.
This was a major coup? Really? Why exactly? Why do we care – at all? We see
The Donald pontificating, lying, changing his positions and tweeting all day,
every day. Mind-numbing. MG had been “invited” to inspect The Donald’s
memorabilia covering the wall – like the Playboy magazine cover on display
visible next to MG’s head. Classy. We’ll have to assume this ‘coup’ was to earn
MG’s £150,000 per eight-hour week by The Times. Surely not to grovel, fawn,
kiss his ring.
Mike proved himself to be the perfect sycophant. No surprise there. Was that a
little bow as the meeting ended? Yes it was. Oh the man knows no shame. But
we knew that already didn’t we? And just to establish his obsequiousness, Mike
did a thumbs up selfie with the Donald. Aughhh!. Representing Britain. Aren’t we
Notice the German reporter kept his dignity throughout sharing the ‘exclusive’
interview. Yes, no selfies, no thumbs up. Oh right, a professional rather than an
obsequious, ingratiating, grinning like a cat, red-faced fool: “He likes me! He
really, really likes me!” Oh dear. Mike: “Because he predicted Brexit, he has
some ownership of it.” Did I call Mike a fool? Mike also said: “He even
compliment me on my appearance…the first time anyone had ever said
anything nice about my looks.” What!? Really? In his lifetime? His mother, his
wife, his children, Boris? Oops. I nearly forgot. Mike has a contract to write The
Donald’s biography. This is all getting a bit surreal.
In 2013 The Donald had tweeted: “…do you think he (Putin) will become my new
best friend?” Head in hands here. So Mike clearly had plans to occupy that
coveted position. Fool? I’m thinking idiot as well.
I feel compelled to report on one of The Donald’s grand plans. Mr President will
be a “great cheerleader for the country.” Oh let’s imagine The Donald in a tiny
bra, tiny pants and big pompoms. In an interview he vowed to “show the people
as we build up our military, we’re going to display our military. That military may
come marching down Pennsylvania Avenue. That military may be flying over
New York City and Washington, D.C., for parades. I mean, we’re going to be
showing our military.” Military – geddit? He wanted to have tanks and cruise
missiles to be included in the inauguration parade.
Now we all know this is about “mine’s bigger than yours” don’t we? Bigger than
North Korea, bigger than Russia, bigger than China? No worries. He will inform
us as his every thought (should I be giving him that much credit?) pops into his
little head. The man is unhinged. I know, stating the obvious.
Wait. What happened to Nigel you ask, as surely you do? After begging The
Donald for a job, he now has one. He will be a political analyst to Fox News. Are
we thinking this is where he belongs? Hmmm. Possibly lower.
We’ve just moved collectively into a parallel universe. The Donald has referred to
Theresa as “My Maggie”. You might be thinking The Donald is – confused – but
not exactly. Downing Street sources report ‘Mr Trump made it clear he is keen to
have a good personal relationship with Mrs May and used Reagan-Thatcher as
his “reference point”’. Oh dear. I foresee a major disaster looming. Beyond
chalk and cheese. One never edits a single ‘thought’, the other only functions in
total secrecy. Can’t wait. OK. Exaggerating, but curious.
Her first act of supplication will be to unveil the bust of Churchill. Ah. Back where
he belongs. Theresa has said that although she does not want to “emulate”
models from the past (oh please), she is confident they can have a “very special
relationship”. “Very special”, oh let’s not even go there.
PM Theresa May was determined to elbow her way to the head of the queue for
an audience with The Donald. Unfortunately, she won’t be able to bring the April
edition of US Vogue with her (out in March). Oh dear oh dear. You did notice –
US Vogue? She will be gracing the cover with the photograph by Annie
Leibovitz. You remember Leibovitz, celebrity portrait photographer who told the
Queen to remove her crown for her photoshoot. As you do. Not.
Well, what came first? The cover or the damehood? Having lived in the US for
what? – 40 years – whatever, Anna Wintour suddenly deserved to be made a
dame in the New Year’s Honours List. Just saying. Did I say the cover was done
in total secret? Oh Theresa.
A senior source said: “The Vogue shoot will form a central part of Operation
Trump. Theresa knows she needs to raise her profile in the US and Anna
Wintour was only too keen to help.” Indeed. ‘Operation Trump’….
Theresa is recreating her image to be more ‘Trumpish’. Oh do despair. Theresa
has written an article for Murdoch’s the Sun newspaper (how low can you go,
really?) to reassure the peasants she, oh I mean, they can make Britain the
“great nation respected around the world”, to mirror The Donald’s tedious mantra
– oh you know the one: “Make America great again!” Surely she’s hoping to
become ‘his new best friend’ - for the hour at least. Oh the thrill…. They
naturally can bond over a hard Brexit.
Theresa reminded us: “Brexit overwhelmingly won!” Right. By 52 per cent. The
woman just beggars belief. Quelle relief: now we can keep out all those doctors,
nurses, ambulance drivers, scientists, innovators, entrepreneurs, dancers,
musicians, artists, students, skilled workers and we can finally queue up to be
the first to into those fields to pick fruit and veg. How exciting.
Let’s not forget those Remain quotes Theresa’s passionately delivered as Brexit
warnings. But surely you know those already. Are we beginning to doubt her
integrity, ethics, honesty, commitment, fashion magazine preference? Oh surely
not. Wave goodbye to the banks…not drowning – yet.
Just to add insult to injury, did I mention Sky TV ran a banner at the bottom of
the screen TRUMP PRESIDENCY: days/hours/minutes/seconds TO GO!? Did I
mention it made me rush to the loo to throw up? OK. Not really, but it should
have. Sycophancy defined: fawning, adulation, worship, obsequiousness. That
should cover the British media and the government’s pathetic poodle relationship
with The Donald. I’m losing the will to live here.
Oh dear, it isn’t over. BBC will cover ad nauseum the first 100 days. Now I have
lost the will to live.
It’s All in the Family
Goodness me. First it was the Middletons, now it’s the Markels. It involves one of
those relatives the families would like to bury. Possibly literally.
Remember Ex-Waity’s uncle, Gary Goldsmith and his ‘Maison de Bang Bang’
where Ex-W and Wills holidayed? Drugs, prostitution – the usual. And the
Markels? Harry’s love obsession’s half-brother, Thomas Markel Jr was arrested
during a drunken row when he allegedly held a gun to his ex-girlfriend’s head.
As you do when you ask someone to leave.
His father said: “He just needs some time to heal and reflect on life. But he wants
to apologise for everything. He is in the spotlight now and everyone gets to see
Thomas’ ex-wife Ms Dooley told the Mail on Sunday: “They used to be very
close but there has been some separation over the years (hmmm…really?), I
don’t want this to be embarrassing for Meghan. Tom has had a little fame and
publicity since Meghan started dating Prince Harry.”
No one actually cares really do they? But you can enjoy the irony before Harry
steps in…. Oh, and don’t tell the Queen.