19 December 2015
It's All on the Cards

Oh dear oh dear. The politicians’ Christmas cards have been revealed. And
aren't they just so revealing as usual.

Let’s start with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s. Why it’s a winter wonderland
don’t you know. Snow-covered bicycles – chained, a traffic light - glowing red, a
red phone box - redundant. Chain, stop light, inches of snow – oh dear, clearly
JC has no plans to go anywhere soon. ‘I’m frozen in nostalgia and time and I
like it.’ Apparently the photo is from 2009; the last time it snowed several
Christmassy inches at Paddington Underground Station. As an anti-aesthetic JC
clearly missed the rather aesthetic quality of the photo, but he did wish a ‘merry’
Christmas didn’t he?  Major concessions.

PM CallMeDave sent a very clear message: he’s in charge – of where you ask –
why it’s Number 10. The photo was taken the day of his election win. Not
obvious at all, Dave. Ah look. He has his SamStepford WifeCam by his side.
‘Christmas; it’s all about smug me, me, me.’

In keeping with his comic image - oh you know he looks like a cartoon character
- Chancellor Georgie-Boy’s Christmas card features a cartoon snowman in front
of Number 11 with vacant eyes, donning a hard hat and his very own hi-vis
jacket – clearly a reference to G-B’s endless photo ops on every possible
building site in Britain - a Pinocchio carrot nose and proudly displaying the red
Budget Box. Yes, an apt Pinocchio reference here. And not a banker in sight.  
Oh oops; G-B meets them secretly (see
The Independent for disturbing details if
you dare). So Christmassy, Georgie-Boy. Are we to assume G-B has a sense of
humour then? Irony? Really? Considering what he’s doing to the country, are we
to assume he’s simply having a laugh at our expense? Expense? Sorry, but….

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - from Fred and
Gladys. Charles and Camilla, aka Fred and Gladys, have chosen a photo
snapped on a private estate by a friend which was never intended to be publicly
released. This year’s summer in Scotland Christmas card shows C and C
displaying seemingly authentic affection via mutual hugs. A collective ‘ah’ here.
We’ll ignore reports of ‘a separate but together’ life style and decide to assume
they are happy. Right?

The ‘Normals’ – Wills and Kate to you – have released a playing-happy-family
photo. Dad, Mum and the kids. Although it must be said as there have been
endless comments on the fact that George is always dressed in – um – rather
regressive, while sweet outfits. It was October, but who’s doing dates.

On the subject of happy-family, hopeful-royal-in-waiting, what would Christmas
be without Pippa’s helpful hints? A total disaster surely. Pippa has written for
Waitrose on how to do Christmas. I know, I know; embarrassingly simplistic,
cloyingly twee and obvious. Let’s do the tree shall we? Oh wait. We must clarify
the celebrations.

“Christmas makes me smile (oh dear). It’s like no other time of year (um) – a
celebration, an anticipation (quelle surprise). It’s an excuse to push the boat out
and make an effort, decorate the home outside and in, sharing time with loved
ones, eating, making merry, laughing and cracking terrible jokes (oh please let
me push the boat out and make merry). Somehow life always seems too busy to
enjoy these rituals at any other time of the year. It’s a tradition that embraces
generations young and old, and welcomes timeless customs passed on through
each and every family. (Did PM mean we’re too busy to decorate outside and in
for Swan Upping, Harvest Festival, April Fool’s Day rituals? I must mark my
diary: ‘crack terrible jokes at generations of young and old’).”

Here’s the tree. “Then begin hanging decorations evenly around the tree. Slowly
build up making sure there’s an even balance of colour and shapes to fill the
tree. (I hope you’re taking notes here). I find walking away to do something else,
then coming back to see the tree helps – you’ll immediately notice what is
missing. Then add the angel as a finishing touch.” Gosh. Words fail.

As for presents? Well here she goes radical; she suggests buying in shops and
online. No really. Once these presents are purchased, PM suggests using
separate wrapping paper patterns for each family member, young and old–
clearly to avoid confusion, chaos – or fun. “Once I’ve found the right gifts, the
next problem is making sure each item is small enough to pack into a stocking.”
No presents under the tree? Only stocking fillers? Is my mouth open – in
disbelief that is. Not drooling.

Now aren’t you so relieved to know how to celebrate that special time of year? I
am. I do hope all my personalised patterned wrapped presents fit into the
personalised stockings…otherwise who will know who gets what online and in-
store presents? Oh dear. Oh dear. Christmas is so anxiety-producing.

Make merry….
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