5 January 2019
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All at Sea

Oh Sajid Javid, we can see what you are doing and it isn’t pretty – or nice or
practical or honest or going to get you the prime minister’s job. “100!!!
‘migrants’! Was that in December alone!!!” Mon dieu! Mon dieu! Three at a time!

Migrants? Not refugees? Not asylum seekers? Oh let’s create as many new
Leavers as possible. Let’s get those undecided over the line with their outrage
over having any more ‘foreigners’ on our sacred shores. Skilled, educated
Iranians? Iraqis? Desperate with children in tow? No. Not from that country we
backed the invasion of! Surely not!

Take immediate action! Call in the Navy! Get those Navy gun boats out!
Those migrants could be armed! They could make demands! They could be
passing themselves off as 12 year-old children when they are really 42! They
could even want to have a life! We can send them to the Greeks, they already
have over 750,000 and Italians, well they have only 150,000. It will cost us at
least £20,000 a day? Oh a drop in the ocean. 312 were intercepted in all of
2018! It’s out of control!”

SJ, or as one Cabinet source claims he uses phrases such as 'The Saj will sort
that out' and
'just you watch what The Sajid is going to do’. Oh dear! Referring to
himself in the third person? Hints of the Royal 'we'....

The Saj had’ to return from his £840-a-night safari in the racist South Africa.
Emergency! It was a “major incident”! He did say: "If you somehow do make it
to the UK, we will do everything we can to make sure
you are ultimately not
because we need to break the link." The Saj – a true humanitarian.
Collective head shaking and sighing here. He will be just perfect to replace
Theresa; perfectly inept.

Problem solved: the government will be hiring those small inflatable boats from
cross-channel people traffickers – ‘hiring’? - to transport vital supplies – what
vital supplies exactly? - from the continent when Brexit plans are set in place. Oh
right. There aren’t any – plans that is.

Copy and Paste

Assuming you know that ‘emergency’ cross-Channel ferry services with the
possibility of a no-Brexit have been given the £13.8m contract that we will
happily pay for. “It doesn’t matter that
we don’t have any ships” Seaborne
Freight has revealed… or been in business only 20 months… or has no trading
history… or owned by the brother of a huge donor to the Conservative party…
or have been involved in financial scandals or were going to manufacture
kayaks. Not joking. All right. The kayaks bit.

The service would run from Ramsgate to Ostend, with the doubt of the town’s
ability to accommodate it to help ease “severe congestion” at Dover - if it in fact

‘Severe congestion’ if they are a delivery service. Huh? You are not going to
believe this – but you should - and surely you know already, but it is just so
entertaining to repeat it. Seaborne Freight appears to have ‘copied and pasted’
a key section of its website
from a takeaway outlet.

The terms and conditions on its website include a section on “placing an order’
advises on what to do “before agreeing to pay for any meal/order”. Oh that is so
not all. The website also urges users to ensure they enter correct delivery details
which are “detailed enough for the delivery driver to locate the address in
adequate time” and
warning “undelivered orders will be chargeable”.

Seaborne was one of three firms awarded contracts totalling £108m. The
Department for Transport says the tender was “competitive and open to a wide
range of operators”. DFDS of Denmark is getting £42.3m and the French firm
Brittany Ferries is getting £46.6m. Quelle relief. Companies with ferries. The
Official Journal of the European Union, which logs government procurement
contracts, says the awards were made after a
“negotiated procedure without a
call for competition
”. Quoi? Quels imbéciles!

And let’s not even mention mockery that is the rail system; the gift that keeps on
giving. The Mirror describes it as a ‘gravy train’. “Private train operators have
creamed off £3.5 billion from running our railways over the past 10 years. These
gigantic profits come despite passengers having to deal with overcrowding,
delays, cancellations, strikes and among the highest ticket prices in Europe. It
got worse yesterday as fare increases were introduced.”

Let's see. From the welfare state to the prison service, Carillion to the criminal
justice system and of course Gatwick Airport; Chris Grayling, the Transport
Secretary, is doing a splendid job.

Dead and Unburied

Evidently it isn't just EastEnders that relishes bringing the dead back to life – or
the entire cast for the last 30 years, Luther has been inspired to return Alice to
us. Thank you, because without her, Ruth Wilson, the series we have waited for
since series 4 in 2015, would have sent us into that telly coma we often find
ourselves in - until we wake up to something watchable. Well, she did fake her
own death - again.

Let's not ignore the gore. Really? Really necessary? This is not 24 Hours in A&E
- is it? Alice and Luther have sex. Hmm. Well, after five years, she's back to
save the programme.
Spoiler alert: not the next series. You guessed right. But
wait. She came back from the dead once, why not twice? Hints of vampirism?
OK. Not serious. But the plot and plot lines were not only risible, but annoying.
Oh Ruth, don’t go!

A Bump in the Road

The American press seems to continue to have a lot to say about ‘Hurricane
Meghan’. They haven’t warmed to, as
they call her, “a D-list actress”.  They
have a lot to say.

The D-list actress doesn’t have the best – ok - most honourable actions in
regards to her relationships. She was living with handsome celebrity chef Cory
Vitello when she got a friend to introduce her to the prince she didn’t know
existed. “Prince Harry? Harry who? erm – Prince who? Why, I do believe I have
never heard of him.”  

According to those sources we rely on for the behind the royal scenes, MM and
H are being
banished to the so not glamorous Frogmore Hall because of her
outrageous demands and uncontrollable temper and rudeness. No.
The Queen is
not a happy bunny
. All right. Simply not happy will do. And evidently neither is
Wills, which we know, don’t we? He requested the move. End of, MM.

Now Palace sources have said the MM broke out into “fire-breathing dragon”
once again by lashing out at Harry: “I’m getting penalised for being a breath of
fresh air and
breaking a few stupid Royal rules!” Could take your breath away
couldn’t it? Possibly demanding to attend the British Fashion Awards and then
forced herself on stage – cradling ‘the bump’ constantly? Hmm. That might be
one of the rules….

Now about that ‘bump’. Some mothers are
beginning to doubt if she is in fact
pregnant and her obsessive actions are highly suspect. Gosh! Really? Well,
wearing the tightest of tight dresses is a bit weird… responding that she is “very
pregnant” to anyone who asks how she is. Really. The doubters say she must be
having triplets. Well, ‘the bump’ has been rather prominent even at only four
months and she hasn’t taken her hands off since. Hint: really pregnant Sophie
Ellis-Bextor was interviewed for at least 15 minutes and no hands on. Hmm. They
are just saying….

Evidently MM has had IVF treatments in the past. She secretly visited fertility
doctors before the marriage to Harry. Hmm. Just saying “hmm”. H&MM had
been to an IVF clinic. OK. Come on now. Forget conspiracy theories; it is a bit –

And Harry? He has said
even if he were king, he’d do his own food shopping.
Oh dear me. Help! Some sort of reality check needs to be performed here.

Fat Cat Friday

Just to put you on a positive, celebratory mood to begin 2019, the first Friday of
this year is being referred to as Fat Cat Friday. By lunchtime on 4 January, the
UK’s top bosses have already stuffed their pockets with as much cash in
earnings as the average worker will get for the whole year. So how much are we
talking about? CEOs of the country’s biggest companies are on average
around £1,000 an hour
, 133 times more than most earners, according to the
think-tank High Pay Centre. See. Now don’t you feel cheered?

A Leap in the Dark Side

Best to add a bit more madness to begin the new year. The Canary reported:

“Here’s what he (the Donald) told me: ‘So China is on the moon. They’ve done it.
They’ve gone to the dark side [he meant far side] of the moon before anyone
else. Even before the USA. They’re bad people. But they’re clever people. And
clever people know you have to keep things quiet. You have to not be seen. The
dark side is perfect. You can do whatever you want there. The regulators aren’t
there. No one is there. No one is saying you can’t do this and you can’t do that.
The regulators there can’t even say it’s climate change.” And then he
for ten minutes.

When he’d recovered, he said: ‘I’m going to build a factory there. I’m going to
speak to some good people I know in China and we’re going to do this. It’s going
to be great. There’s no gravity. We can build tall. Let’s
make it gold so it shines
some light on that dark side
. The small gravity will make shipping cheap. You
can’t charge big shipping for something that weighs nothing.”

At a loss for words….
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