26 October 2014
An About Face

“Oh my GOD! Who IS that?” Renée Zellweger got out of bed, made her way to
her en suite mirrored bathroom to brush her teeth - and freaked out. She had
gone to bed with her normal, natural, old (not in a pejorative way), recognisable
face and discovered someone totally unrecognisable, totally different had
replaced her – well actually her face. “What the HELL? Who ARE you?"

Within seven hours of the dramatic world-wide breaking news story (she had
shown her face at the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards) there were more than
100,000 tweets, 70,000 internet stories and it was shared more than 60,000
times, generating millions of hits in the
Daily Mail. Even the Guardian – yes,
Guardian had more than 1,500 comments and remained the most-viewed
article on its website for more than 24 hours. Zut alors!

So naturally I am feeling compelled to add to the unrelenting speculation as
surely you have been. Did she, didn’t she? What has she done to her face?
Where’s Renée?

Everyone has analysed her new face: she’s jutting her jaw out, she’s had her
eyes moved, new eyebrows, new forehead, Botox. Actually it seems the very
shape of her face is radically different. No longer round and rather ingénue-
ish. Quite pretty and even unique in the world of plastic-Hollywood. Can you
have facial liposuction? If you can, she did.

With the transformation, she doesn’t look any younger – which is the point –
no? – she just looks like a totally different person and curiously not really pretty
and actually ordinary. Really ordinary. Pass-in-the-street-ordinary.

I just looked at her before-and-after photos and are we sure ‘the after’ hasn’t
done away with ‘the before’ – or am I watching too many crime dramas?

The new-and-(not)-improved ‘I’m feeling good like I knew I would’ Renée told us
it was down to “an increase feeling of peace”. What? Down to “happy, healthy
lifestyle not surgery. The claims are ‘silly’ and a nefarious truth which doesn’t
exist.” Oh of course; a nefarious truth which doesn’t exist. We should have
guessed that. A nefarious truth...hmmmmm. Not a nefarious lie then. Hmmm. A
convincing Freudian slip. Did she have any idea what she said? I don’t.

RZ told
People magazine: “I’m glad folks think I look different. I’m living a
different, happy, more fulfilling life (in an ashram?) and I’m thrilled that perhaps
it shows. My friends say I look peaceful. I am healthy.”

Was she writing horrible tweets, stealing from the elderly, on crystal meth
before she found ‘peace’? Has she been relocated and given a new identity?
“For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule
that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself.
Rather than stopping to recalibrate (born in Texas, surely English is her first
language), I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how
to conceal the exhaustion.” All right. Now we want to know. But what exactly has
the old Renée been doing ‘for a long time’ that brought on all ‘the exhaustion’?
She hasn’t made a film in four years.

All the other Hollywood celebs have been busy de-toxing, spending 5 hours a
day with their personal trainers, going vegan, drinking 10 bottles of water
before lunch. Shouldn’t someone have told RZ? Surely she watched the scary
‘It’s aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!’ transformation of Joan Rivers. Do you reckon there
will be The New Renée masks ready for Halloween?

Days after the new Renée appeared, people have not given up. Feminism...
plastic surgery...celebrity...and the issue is? I know. Lying. To save face she
should face up. I know. You must admit you are thinking of all those idioms as
well. A face-off, about face, egg on your face, face the music, take at face
value, fly in the face of...had enough yet?...a slap in the face, face facts should
do it.

She will next be seen in the courtroom drama
The Whole Truth which is set for
release in 2015. Really. I’m not making this up. But face it, Renée has been.
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