LETTERS FROM LONDON
REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
14 July 2018
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Talk to the Hand

He Came He Saw He Conquered. Working hand-in-glove? No, hand-in-hand.
And then, no working together regardless of hands. The Donald totally rejects,
disrespects, disdains Theresa. And what does she do? Holds his hand – AGAIN.
Not only that, she is photographed laughing hysterically and bowing! in
submission. Pity the poor Queen having to shake his hand thanks to Theresa.
Wonder where it has been exactly.

Goodness me. Not a good look, Theresa. In fact, utterly embarrassing. Dignity?
Oh, she lost that long ago didn’t she? And you know how much the Big Baby
Trump, oh let’s just start calling him that – referencing the big balloon as well as
his maturity – loves a grovelling sycophant. In for the kill really - killing the deal.
Hideously obsequious around him, she constantly held out her hand for him to
hold. Time to clear the room….

White House aides on the trip revealed Big Baby Trump has been privately
criticizing Theresa for “many months.” And we have BBT telling the Sun: “I never
said anything bad about her. I think she is a nice person. I get along with her
very nicely.” He has a “very, very strong” relationship with Theresa. As a
principal torturer? By flipping back and forth his opinion of Theresa as a display
of contemptuous indifference. Theresa who?

In the House of Commons, Labour’s Dennis Skinner asked of Theresa: “Does
she want to hold his hand again? Is that what it’s all about?” Evidently so. Yet
another hand holding, all right, hand shake at Chequers. Is Theresa in red at
each meeting and greeting as a metaphor? Red cape…bull? Her attempt to
coordinate with his tie?

All that cringe-making stooping and bowing led to BBT saying: "I am just saying I
think he (his new best friend, Boris) would be a great Prime Minister. I think he’s
got what it takes… I have a lot of respect for Boris. He obviously likes ME and
says very good things about ME. I think he is a great representative for your
country." Phone call scheduled. “Yo dude, buddy. How’s yer hair doin’ today?
Mine’s like lookin’ real good, like hunder percent. I’m jealous. But, I’ve had more
like wemen than like you. Hahahaha. I’m aaawsome!”

He left Phil&Theresa standing in the enormous courtyard for a long mocking,
mortifying six minutes before he stepped out of his armoured car – and with
Melania of course. Or was that a cardboard cut-out? Theresa’s red-carpet
display of honour and lavishness was hide-behind-the-sofa humiliating. A
glamorous, glittering banquet at Blenheim Palace and don’t forget the military
bands. Were they playing God Bless America?

Speaking of…Green Day’s 2004 hit song American Idiot has been rising up the
UK charts ahead of the Baby Trump’s visit. Obviously originally written about
George W Bush, it is currently number one on Amazon Music and Google Play.
It has also entered the official UK charts, in and out of the Top 20 over the
course of this week. American Idiot is also receiving resounding success on
iTunes. Tribute to just another American idiot.

Back Off

Goodness gracious me! All those aids, staff, spin doctors and what does the Big
Baby Trump do? He only turns his back to the Queen – rude to anyone, anyone
ninety-two, but THE QUEEN! It’s simply ‘not done’. No one turns their back on or
to the Queen regardless of what position they take on the monarchy. Big
Baby…royal protocol.

Well, he is a Republican, but not that kind. He is obsessed with her and was
determined to meet her. Bad enough, right? Not really. He made her wait 15
minutes! She was seen checking his lack of punctuality on her watch. Not
looking good (I know). The Queen was not best pleased!

After arriving 15 minutes late, after turning his back on her, he stopped in front
of her so that she had to make her way around him. Awkward! Rude! Now if
Prince Philip had been there, he could have shown him how to walk - behind the
Queen.

Oh there is more. BBT looked unkempt, even slovenly. It’s the Queen! He left his
jacket open to reveal his sufficiently substantial stomach. Lovely.

Body language expert Judi James says he acted a bit like a sheep dog in a bid
to assert his dominance. And the meeting... “Trump did appear to be on his best
behaviour although his flapping open jacket and slightly swaggering walk looked
a little casual next to Melania's pitch-perfect tailoring and poker face.”

Oh, and he sat in Churchill’s armchair. WE are not amused, Big Baby (Trump)!

Boris Bolts

And BT’s preferred Boris? Where was Boris? Sometimes you just can’t believe
Boris. Well, you can’t. We know that he lies, repeatedly changed Brexit sides,
but referring to his narcissistic strategy, he actually got a photographer to snap
him writing that letter at his Foreign Office desk. Well, glaring while posing at the
camera really. The photo shoot worked. The photo dominated the newspaper
front pages. What’s new really? Boris has always done anything and everything
for attention. We won’t even mention his hair again will we?

But if we simply couldn’t help ourselves…at their meeting, inevitably they must
exchange signature-hair styling tricks. “Have a like favourite mousse, eh Bojo?”
“Hmm. Mousse? Chocolate? Oh. Right. You are referring to hair products,
Donny. Alea iacta est.” (OK. The die is cast.)

He’s all yours, Donny. Take him back with you. He has dual citizenship, so he’ll
presumably be allowed into the country. Although he does have Turkish blood,
so maybe not. And no matter how much we would like Boris and US
Ambassador ‘Woody’ Johnson to have been separated at birth – they aren’t.
Both being rather repellent, repulsive, repugnant however.

Smoking Guns

Be careful? American nationals had been told to be careful on the streets of
London during those planned demonstrations against The Donald, oops, Big
Baby Trump. The US Embassy warned to “keep a low profile” and “exercise
caution if unexpectedly in the vicinity of large gatherings that may become
violent” on Friday.

The Don’s former chief strategist Steve Bannon: “Trump’s got a big group of
support here, with Nigel and the hard Brexit crowd that has all worked together
for years. I’m here to be a surrogate on British media. We have to be bold. I
think Trump coming here underscores the point that he's about bold action.” Ah,
our Brexit President handed over to us by panting poodle Theresa. ‘Give us your
paw, come on now, give me your paw and we’ll give you a treat.’

Loved Up

So the Baby Trump was right. “The British love me.” Owen Jones is not quite
certain. When the BBC broadcaster had attempted to portray the British as pro-
Baby Trump on the Victoria Derbyshire show, Owen had to remind her:

“I find it baffling just as a BBC editorial decision there. You know what the polling
says about Donald Trump in this country. He’s slightly less popular than cholera.
He’s one of the most unpopular people on Earth… We’re talking about this
country… You know, overwhelmingly people oppose what Donald Trump stands
for and think he’s a misogynist and a racist.”

He followed up on social media with the views of the UK public: “I was on the
BBC earlier and they read out exclusively pro-Trump tweets and cited them as
evidence of Trump's popularity in the UK. The polling is very clear – Trump is
overwhelmingly unpopular here – and the BBC are misleading the public if they
suggest anything else.”

Host Chloe Tilley was reading out tweets supportive of Baby Trump.

“I’m struggling to keep up with the number of comments coming in to us from our
viewers about Donald Trump’s visit. And there are many people supporting it.”

From ‘Nicky’ on email: ‘I’m really pleased that Trump is here. His visit is a long-
awaited one. It’s a shame on the UK that it’s never happened before. All these
protesters are wasting their time and their life. They should go home. They’ve
got Trump all wrong. Trump is fantastic. He’s going for world peace; he has the
courage to speak the truth. I personally love him and his policies…He resonates,
whether you like it or not, with some people.”

Well, Nicky we don’t like him, we don’t like you, and we don’t like some people.
Nicky is evidently a racist, homophobic, sexually-obsessed, misogynist moron.
Stay home, Nicky.

Clearly it is time to DO SOMETHING about this consistent, YES, continuous
right-wing bias the BBC has taken in every, YES, every area. Isn’t it time to
simply withhold the licence fee en masse? Do we really want to pay for such
blatantly outrageous dogma? We have finally noticed the pay, political
programme, news coverage discrimination – and we won’t even mention Brexit! -
but can Nige as he is on every other programme. Oh I give up. Hopeless. I will
continue to boycott, clearly a pathetic attempt. We are choosing Cholera, Owen.

Dis-May-ed    

We have seen the back of Davey. Is he still smirking? Of course he is. That’s
what he does as well as not much else. Oh wait. He’s doing that other grimace in
his limited repertoire. He’s laughing. “Theresa has my full support. Am I
laughing? I think I am. She tried to bribe me with Boris’ job! Ha, ha, ha. That
bumbling buffoon!”

Smug, thick, vacuous and clearly manipulative Davey has been replaced by –
oh dear – not Dominic Raab. Step away for your own safety. He’s no longer the
Housing Secretary, but he is a boxer and a karate black belt. Impressed? I didn’t
think so.  Protecting himself from exactly?

Certainly not from the controversial right-wing think tank, the Institute of
Economic Affairs, effectively its parliamentary wing, the Free Enterprise Group,
funded by the US. With his unreserved support of the IEA in its advocating
everything from privatising healthcare to opposing minimum pricing on alcohol,
Dominic is surely the perfect choice. Oh Theresa. Theresa, words fail.

A few of his enlightened words: he advertised for people to work for him for free,
voted against making homes fit for human habitation, described British workers
the laziest in the world, this is good - has an alleged fondness for the idea of
bringing back (Dickensian) workhouses.

From his own little mouth he claimed: "The typical user of a foodbank is not
someone that's languishing in poverty, it's someone who has a cash flow
problem episodically." What a relief that means they aren’t suffering from life-
threatening hardship and deprivation. “Oh Mr Raab, my five children are losing
weight and consciousness from lack of food episodically.” When a disability
activist told him "people are dying" under Tory austerity, he dismissed her calls
for cash as a "childish wish list". Collectively: loud groan followed by head in
hands.

"Feminists are now amongst the most obnoxious bigots" suggesting it was time
for men to start "burning their briefs". Are we thinking he thinks he has a sense
of humour? Ha, now that is funny. ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’?

Oh and interestingly enough, Dominic was born to a Czech Jewish father who
fled to Britain as a refugee before the Second World War. How quickly we
forget, eh, Dom?

Last week he said he was "relaxed" about the prospect of crashing out of the EU
at the end of 2020 with no deal. Possibly it was better with Davey as he was so
inept and disinterested, we were safe from crashing out. Ah. Thanks for the
memories, Theresa….

Jobs for the Boys

Continuing in Theresa’s “boys’ jobs”, Kit Malthouse was named as the eighth
Tory Housing Minister in eight years. Is that a record?

Ideal choice, Theresa. KM intends to stay on as director of County Finance
Group Ltd, the loan company he co-founded in 2001. He told Commons
authorities he was giving up his role as chairman of the firm in March, when he
took a job as a welfare minister. He didn’t. Hmm. Are we having a problem
identifying any Tory in the government who isn’t a consummate liar? Drawing a
blank?

Under his watch as deputy leader of Westminster Council, he was accused of
adopting a “ruthless” policy towards homeless people including “hosing them out
of doorways”. "The idea that everyone begging is down on their luck is a
fantasy." Remember that? Do I seriously have to say: Dickensian – again???

Theresa has vowed to completely eliminate rough sleeping by 2027 - despite it
more than doubling since the Tories took power. Another government fantasy.
Did we mention all seven of the new posts went to boys who do boys’ jobs?

Shut Up and Dance

Finally! Something to be amused by! Who knew? I mean, really, who did? Only
his closest friends? Such as Mikey (Gove of course). Our new Foreign
Secretary is possibly placed more appropriately than we had thought. Keep
reading and you will understand. Jeremy Hunt is a dancer. Not joking! But a
‘foreign’-inspired style dancer. And, he has a sprung dancefloor in his house to
prove it!

So what is a sprung dancefloor exactly? Did you know? It is a floor that absorbs
shocks, giving it a ‘softer feel’. It enhances performance and greatly reduce
injuries. Oh where we could go with this…

And what does he do on his special dancefloor? Disco? No? No ‘Stayin’ Alive’
then. No ‘I Feel Alive’ indie pop, then? (ex Health Secretary et al…see what I did
there?) Mikey revealed to a journalist: “Jeremy is a superb Latin American
dancer and his lambada is amazing. He also has a sprung dancefloor in his
house in London to enable him to practice and if you ever want anyone to liven
up your party by cutting the rug with dash and distinction then Jeremy’s the man
to invite.” Are we certain this isn’t a PR release? Thinking of planning your next
party around him to “liven up your party by cutting the rug”? What is seriously
wrong with this picture? Wellll, he was Shadow Culture Secretary 2007 to 2010.
Do you suppose that is where he became the dancer to invite?

Come on now: gobsmacked? Possibly dumbfounded would be a good choice. Is
that why he has that frozen smile on his face? Is there more we should know,
eh, Mikey?
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