|LETTERS FROM LONDON
|REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
18 August 2019
|To Coin a Phrase
Let’s begin with: what!? Or is this a joke? Or are you having a laugh? Or all.
Sajid Javid has come up with a brilliant new plan. I know. How is that possible?
He is going to inspire all those lowly peasants with – erm – new 50p coins. Yes.
Really. Why exactly? Embossed with the words “friendship with all nations”.
Beyond eye-rolling. More head in hands. These will commemorate the rabid
Brexiteers’ no-deal Brexit. Join the queue.
It’s a Crime
This week our new ‘law&order’ PM has dubbed it 'crime week'. Al/Boris is
handing over £2.5bn to create an additional 10,000 prison places, £100m for X-
ray scanners and metal detectors. No early release for the naughty. Naturally
Al/Boris goes to jail. Oh if only! But they let him out after yet another staged
photo opportunity. Oh not another!!!
Overcrowded, deniably dangerous, violence, self-harming, suicides, etc. we
have the highest incarceration rate in Western Europe. A bit of irony here. Al is
demanding no early release while prison sentences have gotten longer year-on-
year. Hmm. Research, Al. More: more prisoners detained on indefinite and life
sentences than all other countries in the Council of Europe. Clues: r e h a b i I i
t a t i o n via education, internships, drug therapy, etc. But there is an obvious
problem. The courts are being sold off and closed – as you naturally do.
Oh and lest we forget Al’s revised plan to increase ‘stop-and-search’. The very
same that has been proven to have “detrimental effects”, “unintended
consequences” and “victimisation and unfairness” according to the College of
Policing and a separate Home Office study found “no statistically significant
reductions in crime.” Again. Anything to ‘charm’ the peasants. Anything. And
lest we forget the Tottenham riots, eh Al?
Lord Wolfson, the chief executive of clothing chain Next, said the UK can avoid
gridlock and chaos in the event of a no-deal Brexit because Al’s government has
stepped up preparations (hahahaha). The fanatical Brexiteer told the BBC,
which hasn’t met a Brexiteer it didn’t like, is always more than willing to listen to
any Brexiteer: “We are a long way from gridlock and chaos.” A wolf in sheep’s
clothing…? Sorry, but…. Planning to boycott Next, if I were ever going to shop
One cabinet minister told The Sun: “The EU will give us a better deal, because if
they don’t Ireland is f*****. No deal will destroy it.” The minister is said to have
added that Irish PM Leo Varadkar had “overplayed his hand” on Brexit and was
now “in deep trouble”.
Leave Us Alone
US national security adviser says he and The Don were “leavers before there
were leavers”. Indeed. And what exactly is that white wiry thing on your upper
lip? Yuck. He told reporters that if Boris goes for a no-deal Brexit, “we are
supporting that enthusiastically”.
Bolton is standing with pen in hand ready for decades of trade negotiations -
after all those who view themselves as ‘Irish-Americans’ and the Congress and
the lobbyists are eliminated. Oh knowing the US history, that won’t be difficult.
Sent to Mexico possibly? Mass culling? Bolton said a bilateral agreement or
“series of agreements” could be carved out “very quickly, very straight-
forwardly”. But Congress, etc won’t throw Ireland under the bus. You know, that
Boris bus. Oh. Which one? The London debacle buses or the Brexit bus?
“We’re with you, we’re with you.” Oh dear. And Brussels? “The fashion in the
European Union is when the people vote the wrong way from the way the elites
want to go, is to make the peasants vote again and again until they get it right.”
Hitting your head on the desk yet?
And Reuters adds that as Britain prepares for its “biggest geopolitical shift since
World War Two, diplomats expect London to become increasingly reliant on the
United States”. Help!
As the war-mad-moustached ‘charmer’, there is surely pressure to solidify the
51st state relationship with his favourite warmongering. Hmm. Israel, Iran, the
middle east for starters.
Oh dear oh dear. Time for a reality check. Via the BBC World Service, the
government's own analysis suggests that a UK-US trade deal will bring only 0.1%
growth in the UK's economy fifteen years from now! But has the BBC, etc
informed us? Fifteen years of only 0.1%? Clearly not. Only the FT has dared.
Best to keep the peasants ignorant. Disgraceful!
When compared to global plastic pollution levels, UK’s plastic straw consumption
is almost negligible. Huh? Plastic straws only make up around 0.00002 per cent
of all marine plastic pollution (in terms of weight). However, because they usually
float, they are perhaps more likely to wash up onto beaches. Hmm. In order to
standby its ban on plastic straws, the government has used statistics that appear
to be based on zero evidence. So it seems justification for the ban seems to rely
on unverified assumptions. Oh not again!
As for the plastic bags, you know there is an obvious dilemma. The government
says that “sales of plastic bags by the seven biggest retailers in England have
fallen by 90% since the 5p charge was introduced in 2015”. Wait. Importantly
this only refers to the number of single-use plastic bags that were sold by
supermarkets. Crucially, it does not include sales of bags for life, which clearly
use more plastic and still account for around 28% of all plastic bag sales. There
is no evidence of a dramatic decrease in the sale of bags for life. And the limited
evidence available suggests the introduction of bags for life might have actually
increased the overall amount of plastic being used. Quelle surprise. Waitrose
bag for life weighs almost four times as much as the supermarket’s single-use
bags. Only Co-op, M&S and Waitrose provided the figures. Between them, they
sold 58.8m bags for life in 2018/19. The others have refused. Hmm.
Last year The Times said an average UK household uses 44 bags for life in just
one year. And the managing director of Iceland admitted the supermarket was
actually using more plastic – not less – as a result of switching to bags for life.
That’s a decrease of less than 2% since the year before.
A Waste of Space
Oh that H&MM brand. Another week, another stunt, another attention-grabbing
attempt, another f*** you. Ah, life as rebellious teenagers. Oh oops. H&MM are
getting closer to 40 than 13. Do you suppose they sit around, her wrapped
around him like a boa constrictor plotting and planning how they can accomplish
their royal mission?
This week it’s intentionally breaking the unwritten dinner party rule. You know,
you know it, everybody does. Partners, spouses, etc aren’t seated together
because they can talk to each other any time, any place, anywhere whereas
they are meant to be scintillating conversationalists, charming dinner guests,
clever, amusing – with a bit of luck rather than boring the person on their left
and/or right into a coma. You know you have experienced that.
As well as their refusal to be seated apart, it is claimed H&MM have been doing
their best to shock with success. Surprisingly, they surprised the hosts and the
dinner guests with their PDA on display. Come on now: ew. Evidently people
have “stopped inviting her to dinner” at all. And clearly Harry as well.
And then there is that oh so tedious PDA that has caused Harry’s friends to
collectively “roll their eyes” at what they believe are her “American ways”.
Reality check necessary. Regardless of their status, no one wants to watch two
people rolling all over each other. Clue: get a room. And they certainly have
enough of them that we pay for.
Let’s see. The hostess specifically and assuming meticulously plans the seating
placement, so isn’t it incredibly rude to ignore them? Her? Of course it is.
Etiquette? Manners? Consideration? Respect? It isn’t simply ‘tradition’, it’s
logical! It isn’t only British dinner party rules. Oh really. This pair is getting truly
tedious. I suppose MM could have worn totally inappropriate outfit to achieve
her/their purpose. Oh right. She has done that already – more than once. Why
it's becoming a H&MM tradition.
And now the kids are being termed hypocrites? No! Never! Not H&MM! Oh those
endless private air-polluting jets enjoyed by the new royal eco-
ambassadors…three in two weeks….